Kloumr's Gallery

The life and times of a two-timing mommy

2010-06-21T19:48:00.000-07:00

This last Thursday morning when I went to get Benjamin out of his crib, I knew right away something was wrong. He was sort of laying and moaning in his crib with big rosy cheeks.

He had a high fever. Higher than he has ever had-- 102.5 under the arm. So we put him in the bath to cool him down and scrambled around to make plans to keep him home with us for the day. I took the morning shift so that I could make it to an important awards luncheon that my office project had been nominated for. I was nervous to miss the morning portion, but also didn't want John to have to miss a full day at his job either.

Once it was 8 am, I called the clinic. I got an appointment for the afternoon and also talked to the nurse on the nurse line. She assured me that even though B's fever was high, that by not giving him Tylenol it would give it a chance to really work to fight off the sickness. It made sense. So we spent the morning lying low and snuggling on the couch.

I made it to the luncheon alright. I was glad to have been home with Benji but also felt torn about missing the morning sessions of the conference. This event is a once a year event where many of the practitioners in my field come together to learn and network. There are a lot of people that I have relationships with that I knew would be there and would be great to catch up with. I was glad to have made it there for the second half of the day.

After the luncheon, I ran into one my friends who was there and who also recently became a mother. She rushed up to me to say that she had been hoping to see me, but had to run because she had just gotten a call that her son had had a really bad allergic reaction and she had to go get him. I shared that I had been gone all morning because of Benji's illness. It was funny to walk away from that interaction and realize that although I was concerned for her son and family that I was in a small way relieved that other people also deal with with the same pulls of being a working mom. It is tough just for the challenge of balancing your time, your priorities, and of course, never feeling like you can give your all to anything. Most of all it is a bit isolating and it is hard to remember that beneath the surface lots of us are struggling to do both. Ironically, we just don't have time to give it much lip service... so we continue to feel alternatively guilty and okay about it all.

An hour or so later, I got a call that scared me to death and something I never want to hear again. Jff called from the ambulance- he and Benji were on their way to the Children's Hospital ER. At his doctor's appointment, B's fever had spiked and he had had was is called a fibrile seizure or a fever seizure. He had seized right in John's arms.

I raced out of work and made it to the hospital just a few minutes after they were admitted. Although I knew that John had had fever seizures several times when he was a toddler, it was very scary. While I was frantically driving to the hospital, I reflected that even though I feel a very strong tug from work, when things really get serious, there is nothing so important as my son's health and well-being.

Benji was released after some pretty traumatic experiences with a cathader and an IV. I left the hospital with my boys and a powerful reminder that work is work. And that it is never really as important as it seems.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat. A wonderful life.

2010-03-30T18:25:00.000-07:00

Routines, rituals, patterns. We all have them. Those of us with kids have them hard-wired into our lives. I have been thinking about this recently, because with an eleven month old routines are the spice of life, or rather my bread and butter. They are what keeps the kid, thus me, sane. That being said, as much as I like predictability, wow, sometimes I miss the days of fill in the blank instead of multiple choice questions.

But then today as I was thinking about the evening routine at our house I realized that, strangely, out of routine comes meaning, and then memory... So in the end, it is the routine, the tradition that makes the special moments shine.

Every night when we get home from work with the sweet, sweet boy here is what happens:

1. I spend the first ten minutes with him hugging, kissing, and giving him loving touches. I miss him so much during the day and am soooo excited to see him, I can't help it. He is so lovable and will pat me and smile for about the first three minutes and the last seven are him entertaining himself while his dad and I fawn over him. Tough life, huh?

2. Play. Lately outside as much as possible. Crawling on the sidewalk, walking with the walker, picking up leaves, trying to eat them, ripping them apart, stalking the kitty, and pointing at air plaines as they pass over. Every day this is a little different because he changing soooo fast. Tonight he learned how to hold his feet up so when he is sitting on his little bike/push toy, I can push him along. (It is absolutely, totally engaging to watch him figure stuff like this out every time we play).

3. Dinner. In the highchair, bib on, hands up, cut up food on the tray. Black beans, avocado, corn, bits of cheese, and peaches are currently the niblets of choice, but he will try anything. Drinks of water and feeding him meals that are mushy enough to be fed by spoon. This takes the better part of an hour. Hose off, sometimes bath (a whole other routine for that), or sometimes just a vigorous wash cloth rinse by dad.

4. More play if there is time. In the bath, dance party, or pulling everything out of the bookshelf in his room.

5. At seven on the dot we usually start the PJ routine. Change diaper. Tickle and blow on the tummy until there is great amount of laughter and commotion. Both mom and dad engage here, but dad carries the torch for best tickling by far. Long-sleeve onesie, footy pjs, and yes, another routine. The Medicine routine...Singing the "medi-song" which gets Ben to open his mouth and take the medicine (while smiling) like a champ.

6. 7:10 Benji and Dad pick out books to read. Jff literally picks out six books and says, 'do you want to read "Sticks" or "Chicka, Chicka, Boom, Boom"?' And Ben smacks the one he wants to read. They settle in to the rocking chair in Benji's room with the yellow blanket and the three chosen books, usually "Kufflebunny" last.

8. When the books are all done, they call for "Mama!" and Benji gives me a great big smile when I walk into the room. Hooray! It is time for milk and by now he is usually doing the sign for it as I settle into the chair. As we are getting comfortable, Dad says the good night prayer that he used to say when he was little.

9. We do the good night feed in the dark and by the end he is a rag doll. I put him on my shoulder for the walk over the crib, while I wait for the burp. I linger with his soft cheek against mine, his little breath rhythmically coming out in little bursts, smelling his sweet little boy scent. There is nothing better than this in all the world.

10. 7:30. I put him in the crib with his blanket. He makes a little sound of contentedness, grabs his blanket up to his face, and rolls on to his side. I tell him I love him and I will see him in the morning. He is out.

11. I close his door, take a deep breath and get ready, to get ready for the next day, all the while loving my life, no matter how routine it is right now. It is the little moments in all of this routine that make my heart sing and reminds me how lucky I am to GET to do this with my own child. Truthfully, I can't wait for him to wake up and start all over again tomorrow.

On Blogging

2010-01-12T19:24:00.000-08:00

Wow, well would you look at that... My blog is still here. Amazing. I often have experiences during the day where I think, 'I should really blog about that' and then, well you know the rest: I don't. Mostly that is because someone or something has hijacked all of my free time. But, enough about that. I have other things I must get to. See you!

I'm the Hippo

2009-12-09T19:14:00.001-08:00

The article, "Is my kids making me not smart?" had husband and I rolling this evening. Although I am not a stay at home mom, I feel like I can relate to much more of this article than what is healthy. "So you see--- I'm the hippo." Brilliant.

As good as it gets

2009-11-16T19:14:00.001-08:00

Written 11/10/09

I am not going to lie… that once in a while I envy moms who stay home. Not because it is easy, but just because it is simpler… They get all the time they want with their little one during the day and then when dad comes home they can go see friends, go to the gym, etc without losing out on time with the most important person to them. They don’t have to partake in the constant craziness of managing both work and home – never feeling like you can do enough in either place.

Working moms constantly have to choose: more effort at work and less effort at home? More of a social life and less time with my child? More me time and less family time? More exercise time and less time to make healthy meals? The choices are constant and not easy…

That is why I have felt so lucky this week: husband has made it possible for me NOT to have to choose, I have been able to do both. This week we are in North Carolina for both vacation and work. I was faced with the dilemma of a required work conference and continuing to nurse Benji (not to mention leaving him for 4 days). So husband agreed to accompany me and the boy to North Carolina- take vacation from his job, care for Benji while I am working, and be away from home for this week.

Although the retreat center where we are staying is not the easiest place to care for a baby (no television, wifi, refrigerators in the rooms), husband has stuck around so that on every break from the conference I have been able to run up a flight of stairs to our room and spend time with both husband and Benji (including nursing). He has been completely beholden to the schedule of the conference and done a marvelous job doing interesting things with our son.

I have been able to be completely focused on whatever I am doing for a change. While I am in sessions, or like today, leading a session, I was able to be completely on, engaged and energized by the work I do and the people I do it with. When I am not in the conference, I am able to enjoy being a family with the boys, playing, laughing, snuggling, and being on vacation. Today as I was talking with a colleague, we ran into husband and Benji in the main area of the lodge. My colleague, like many other people here, cooed and sweet-talked Benjamin. It all felt completely normal to be discussing family and work in the same paragraph. I got to see him while I was also engaged in real adult conversation about something that mattered to me. I have to say it felt like something more moms should be able to experience.

So tonight as I reflected on the realities of my life right now, I couldn’t help but feel so lucky. I know that I wouldn’t REALLY want to be home every day, no matter how much simpler it might make things. I like my job and feel engaged by the work I do. I have supportive family-helpers. I have friends who have supported me through returning to work (and a few who have shown me how it is done). Most of all, I have a husband helps me juggle mommy-hood with a career, even when it means traveling across the country with us.

Happy Halloween

2009-10-31T12:32:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween!! Benjamin is celebrating today by wearing his penguin suit.

This morning Benjamin and I met a friend out for lunch at Cafe Twenty-Eight. Delish Fried Egg Sandwich and Garlic Tomato soup!! What a cute little restaurant. After late breakfast/ early lunch we headed next door to the Wild Rumpus bookstore. Benjamin didn't have as much patience as I did, but we had a great time looking at the animals (birds, 4 tail-less cats, a reptile, 2 chinchillas, rats, and ferretts) and all the beautiful books. Now we are off for a little Halloween party with our Mom and Baby friends. Can't wait to see all the babies that have grown up!

Hope you all have fun trick or treating tonight!

Vanishing Acts

2009-10-21T19:46:00.000-07:00

I really have about ten other things I could be doing right now, but I have a few things on my mind to share.

Tonight I finished ready Jodi Picoult's book, Vanishing Acts. It is only my second Picoult novel (after reading the first one- the title escapes me - about the young couple murder/suicide story, I swore I would never read another one) and again, I am not sure if I will read another of her books. I can't quite explain it but they are so laden with grief, with foreboding, with unhappiness. I end up feeling emotionally drained after reading. I also think a lot about what pushes her to continually explore the gray area between right and wrong and do so with many of the same scenarios: children growing up together and turning into lovers, a search for identity, a jail stay by someone you would never expect, unhealthy romantic relationships... I could go on. Regardless, the book was entertaining but also not what I would probably chose to read again...At points it made me feel physically ill thinking of losing Benjamin.

Another rash of pregnancies. Spreading like wild-fire and I love it! Can't wait for more little kiddos to be a part of our life (not to mention our social scene). I also have to admit here that once you are pregnant it is totally easy to guess when someone else is pregnant, and it is hard to wait to get the official word. Most notable of the latest pregnancies are: a) my sister with her second, due in April. I am super excited that Benji will have another cousin and that Emma will have a sibling. b)a couple that husband I met about a year ago now through another couple that we know. I remember being at a Christmas party with them last year and having them both pepper us with questions about being pregnant and our plans for having a baby. Congratulations to them! My how time flies, now we have a six-month-old.

Speaking of the six-month-old, I keep thinking I should post some of my reflections on being a mother here, but duh! I have no time. I remind myself that I need to write them down, lest it is so easy to forget the thoughts that we have about the precious times in our lives. Needless to say, I am in awe that Benji is already almost six-months, they time has flown by. I am in awe of how much I love him. I am in awe of how much I love being a mother. I am in awe of how much I love being a family of three. I am in awe of how very different life looks from this vantage point.

Today, I stayed home with Benji. Normally husband and I work from home together on Wednesdays and tag team all day. I had comp time built up from some late nights where I didn't get to see him and Jff had some pressing out-of-the-house things to do for work today, so I was a stay-at-home-mom for the day today. It was great. Benji and I went for a walk around the lake and it rained the entire time. He slept in the BOB and stayed very dry and cozy in his fleece snow suit and I wore a combo soft-shell/hard shell coat and got soaked, but it was nice to be out. Although I love my job, I sincerely wish to work one less day a week so that I could have a four-day work week every week to do things like walk and spend time during the day with the boy, but for now it doesn't fit with the position I have. So, I will just have to hope that by the time we have our second, something will have shifted that will make it easier to go part-time in my position.

A group of us that took a mom and baby class together this summer are in the process of planning another gathering and I am excited to see all of Benji's little buds. I really like the moms and hope that we will all stay in touch in the long run so our kids will know each other.

Lastly, Benjamin's baptism this last weekend was great. I really enjoyed it and he did wonderfully. It was fun to have so much family there to celebrate with us. I am also glad it is over, it was just another thing in a long list of events this fall that have made the weekends crazy. Benji celebrated his baptism by cutting his first tooth!

Faultless Customer Service

2009-10-05T19:53:00.000-07:00

Several months ago we bought a new can of starch. The next day as I was ironing, the starch fell off the ironing board and the plastic spray tip, the "actuator" broke upon impact. The can was still intact, but with out the plastic nozzle I couldn't spray the starch anymore. I was frustrated that it was a new, full can. I thought I was going to have to throw the whole can away, but I couldn't bring myself to create that much waste so I just put it in the closet.

The other day I found the nozzle-less bottle and realized that I could possibly contact the company for a new tip. I wondered if I should use some of my rare moments of free time on such a stupid task, but decided it was worth it, hoping I would get some sort of response.

In about three minutes I found the Faultless Starch/Bon Ami Company website. A second later I was using their customer comment email form to ask them for a new actuator tip. That was at 9 pm. The next morning BY THE TIME I GOT TO WORK, I had a response. The customer service representative emailed me back to ask about the condition of the can and if a new plastic piece alone would fix the problem. Upon confirmation, they sent out a new actuator for me.

Last Friday, a few days after emailing the company, I get a letter in the mail. In the envelope are four new actuator tips, five coupons for free cans of any variety of Faultless Spray Starch, and a very nice letter. The letter describes how to safely reattach the actuator tip, and what to do if I thought that the can was actually damaged:

"It would be helpful, should you have any product difficulty in the future, if you would return the questionable can so that our quality control laboratory may examine it. As we try and provide the best product possible; the data that we collect from returned cans allows us to continually improve our products and keep updated on the occurrences out in our distributors and retailers. You may send the product by domestic surface mail through the USPS as this is a ORM-D classified product and is safe for ground shipping; naturally we will reimburse you for the product and postage upon receiving the item."

After reading the letter, I was floored. I had not expected such accommodating service. Now that is customer service!!!! Through a simple letter, a few coupons, and fast service that company has solidified a customer for life- a lesson they could teach a few other companies lately.

Baseball's homerun

2009-09-28T19:44:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's because we celebrated husband's birthday at the game this year, maybe it is because we had a game on while I was in labor with Benji (this is true, believe it or not), maybe it is because we got a new HD Television, or maybe it is because this summer watching the game in the evening while doing the bedtime routine became habit, but either way I have become a huge fan of our hometown baseball team.

I have always liked baseball. I remember watching the Cubs in the evenings at my grandparents house in the summer time. I remember my other grandma also being very knowledgeable about baseball. I played softball most of the way through my childhood. But this year it became something more. Recently I was able to quote a player's batting average accurately. I know names, positions, and many more rules than I ever have. Now when my dad and brother, Nate, start to talk sports with husband, I can contribute to the baseball portion with knowledgeable comments.

No matter how interested I have become, however, I have never done what I did tonight. I, wondering why the game was not on (and with Jff gone), went to MLB.com to find out. I actually had to laugh while I was in the process at how proud husband would have been of me AND how far my baseball "phase" has progressed.

Do you speak cupcake?

2009-09-23T13:50:00.000-07:00

Fun article: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/23/dining/23cake.html?_r=1&em

I love how something so simple as a cupcake crosses cultures but also melds with them.

Tidbits

2009-09-11T19:59:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile... mostly because working and trying to be a mom to a 4 month old is a little like patting your head and rubbing your belly at the same time: at first you do neither very well, and once you get the hang of it, you don't want to add anything else to the mix lest you lose the rhythm.

Here are some of the latest tidbits:

My long-time friend and buddy in all outdoor adventures just got his PhD AND is completing the Wisconsin Ironman on Sunday. The PhD was a long road that started the year I moved out of Wisconsin. Training for the Ironman started in earnest last year, although he had been competing in some tris for a while. Both are amazing accomplishments, but at the same time: A-MAZING. Maybe just working and being a mom at the same time isn't that hard.

Tomorrow I am running a retreat for 35 students from 9 am until 11 pm. I am excited to see all of my returning students (yay!) get to know the new students (fun!), and do really intentional work with them to make this year really great. I am also a bit nervous... I am hoping they all like each other (hmmm... how to make a group out of a bunch of very different people), I have a lot to cover and to facilitate, and oh yeah, I will have to find time to pump all day long. Luckily husband is bringing Benji up to visit during lunch, otherwise I wouldn't see him at all tomorrow (what a great husband to support me so much in my job!)

We were up at the cabin for Labor Day Weekend and had a great time with the family. It was great to have BOTH of my brothers there, especially A since we have seen him rarely this summer. He is at a bit of a crossroads in life and it was helpful to hear a little bit more about it from him. I think he is about to make a huge leap and move to Hawaii to see about a girl. It is a risk, but really when it comes down to it he needs a breath of fresh air, he needs to be on the road to find out, and he needs to make a break from the parents for a while (they have too many opinions that are shared too often). I am praying for him that he can make his own decision and ultimately finds happiness no matter what happens in the process.

I have been feeling really lonely lately. Working and moming leaves little time to see friends or to generally socialize. It is so darn isolating when the routine is the only thing you have time for! Plus, our group of friends that we see has shrunk considerably since we are now with child and most of our friends are not. I was really afraid of this and it has come true, sadly. Many of the people we used to hang out with make little or no effort towards us, and even though it makes me sad, I am becoming more at peace with it. Instead I have been incredibly thankful for the friends who do continue to reach out and remind me that I am worth calling, even if my life is a wee bit different now. These friends are, of course, the ones that who have always been there through life's stages and changes. I think for a moment I thought that I had encountered a big enough change that it had shaken even my most ardent buds off, but to my great relief, it is not so. With all the crazy of returning to work I had forgotten, how many great people I have in my life. Thank you to the gals who have shown me so much love lately! Also some great new friends have emerged in the process of becoming a mama, and for that I am also thankful.

In two days ultimate frisbee, fall edition begins. Yippee! After years of playing every season, I was out from last November until now. I am thankful that I am going back for the best season- sunny fall weather, close to home, and my favorite team that has been around for quite a while now. Benji will be in good company on the sidelines with all the other kiddos and happily I will once again be out on the field once again running around! Can't wait.

Thanking my lucky stars for the 185th time

2009-08-31T20:23:00.000-07:00

Today I caught myself doing something that I do often at work lately. I had been having lunch with a professor who I did some of my graduate work with, but who is a colleague of mine now (we both run civic engagement programs at the college- his has to do with public policy, mine with community engagement and service). We spent two hours talking about things we had been reading lately, we referred back to some of the things we had read together two years ago, we talked about linking those ideas to our programs and we talked about how to link our programs more closely to each other this year.

I got up from our long lunch and started across campus to my office. It was beautiful out and as I was walking, two of my students summoned me over to a bench they were sitting on in the quad. They had a few questions about the program that they are in and that I run. We sat in the sun and talked for a while about some ideas for this fall and about our upcoming retreat.

I got up from the bench and continued on my way back to my office, thinking to myself, "man, where has the time gone? I better get back to work".... And then I remembered that I was working. That I get paid to do things like talk to people, create relationships, and organize a program where students learn about themselves and at the same time provide resources to non profits in the community. That I like doing this so much that it often doesn't feel like work. I like it so much that I often forget that I am working altogether.

Hmmm. I decided today that I like that feeling, especially after reading about a dozen facebook posts about teachers returning to their classrooms today. I am not returning to my classroom this year. Instead I am thanking my lucky stars for approximately the 185th time that I left my classroom and ended up working in a job where I often am having so much fun that I forget that what I am doing is actually earning money.

The realities (a.k.a. tragedies) of bring little ones into the world (or trying to).

2009-08-27T08:30:00.000-07:00

I couldn't help but think about the tragedies and triumphs that shape our lives today...This morning I was reading a blog that is kept up by a friend's husband. My friend had recently announced that she was pregnant, only to read that on Friday they found out that she was in the middle of miscarrying. I cannot begin to understand how that feels, but all day today my mind kept returning to my friend and her family. How do you get over something like that? How do you move past the deep sadness that something like that brings? Time strikes me as one of the only things that can help you heal an internal, emotional wound such as that.

Meanwhile another couple I know have been trying to get pregnant for over a year with their second. Their first pregnancy required little effort and now the second, long considered a 'when' and not an 'if' is not working. They are beginning to despair that they may not end up having a second with out a great amount of intervention by medical professionals. That has got to take some of the great happiness out of the triumph of pregnancy.

Tonight we hosted the mom and baby class "reunion" at our house (the class I attended with other mom and babies this summer). Five of the seven moms, dads, and babies were here to enjoy a little bit of time together and to catch up since our last class a little over a month ago. As all five babies were laying together on the floor and the parents were snapping pictures, I couldn't help but think about how lucky we all are to have had babies who are very healthy and all have a great start at life. We were able to share stories of breastfeeding mishaps, nursing strikes, and back to work challenges all while not really having to worry in the large scheme about the well-being of our children.

Yet still, I am reminded by the tragedies that remain for some of the moms from class... although A has a very healthy little boy, she has vaginal nerve damage that after four months still has not gone away and that causes her a great deal of pain. Another of the moms had very serious complications with her uterus essentially detaching from her body after the birth, and now questions whether or not she will be able to have another baby.

Ultimately, this bringing a child into the world (or even attempting it) is not for the weak or faint-hearted. It is the closest that we humans get to playing God and yet we are still a far cry from being able to control what really happens or even understand the reasons for why things happen the way they do.

Lower the drinking age to 18, raise the marrying age to 25.

2009-08-24T20:00:00.000-07:00

The blog post, The Children of Divorce, posted on Minnesota Public Radio's website previews an upcoming story on the "divorce boom" that occurred in the 70's in this country.

The post caught me totally off guard, but then immediately made sense to me... After all, I am the product of the "divorce boom", my parents divorced 30 years ago, exactly at the peak of all the divorces. I am anxious to listen to the hour-long documentary on Wednesday.

The blog post contains the following excerpt, discussing the impact of all of the divorces on the people most affected: the kids.

As a result, some of the children of divorce whose lives Wallerstein has followed (their average age at the latest interviews was 33) have grown up to be pathological commitment-phobes, expecting all relationships to end in disaster and pain. Others, going to the opposite extreme, have rushed into reckless, spur-of-the-moment, almost invariably doomed marriages in their late teens or early 20s, or selected clearly inadequate partners who are too weak and needy to leave. Even those who are happily married remain haunted by fear of abandonment and have trouble dealing with any disagreement or conflict.

As I was reading this, I immediately recognized myself in some of this, as well as many of my closest friends who have also been affected by their parents divorcing. I will wait to comment more until I listen to the entire documentary, but one thing is for sure... I often forget that there is a reason I see things differently than many people that I spend time with. I grew up differently, I experienced divorce twice, and that has an impact that I often forget to take into account when wondering why I am just a little bit different in the way I relate to others.

Dear Lady-in-the-Grocery-Store-Line: A Public Letter

2009-08-18T07:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Lady-in-the-Grocery-Store-Line,

While we stood behind you in the check out line, you raised no immediate red flags. You looked like you were functioning just fine in the 21st century. Looking back, maybe it should have been the enormous quantity of pre-packaged meals that should have tipped me off, maybe it was the slightly hair-brained expression on your face... Either way, though, I was not prepared for the fact that really, under the disguise of a modern woman with normal looking clothes that you were an old lady who lives with 84 cats, smells like it, and gets uppity when anyone suggests you move more quickly.

As you were checking out and packing your groceries, I thought nothing of it. That was, until the check-out woman told you your total. You slowly walked back to the pay station and JUST THEN seemed to start thinking about your method of payment ("Oh, I have to pay for these meals in a box? Who knew."). All the while I was at the end of the conveyor belt waiting for MY groceries. I watched you thinking, "there is no WAY she is going for her checkbook," but OH YOU WERE... As you start writing out the check, I could see that the early thirty-something brown hair was allowing the massive stock of gray hair underneath peek through. Then you decided to take it one step further... You set down your check book and browsed through your coupon book like you might have forgotten that one coupon you clipped 3 months ago that gives you twenty-five cents off your total grocery order of over one hundred dollars... All the while you did a fabulous job ignoring the eight people that have lined up behind you to also pay for their groceries.

When you finally resumed check writing you were so unconcerned about the AMOUNT OF TIME you were taking, it was quite remarkable. When you finished writing the check, ALL EIGHT OF US staring at you were waiting with baited breath for you to rip it out. But no, you had to first log it in the register in the very back of the checkbook. Finally, finally, finally, once that was done did you have the courage to rip out the check, your baby, your masterpiece and hand it over to the check-out lady (who had been rolling her eyes at you for the last 10 minutes while you wrote out your check).

Thank you, dear Lady-in-the-Grocery-Store-Line, because you blew my mind. In one simple decision over which line to pick, my life was changed forever. I LOST TEN MINUTES BUT GAINED A NEW APPRECIATION FOR THE SPEED AT WHICH MOST PEOPLE ARE ABLE TO PAY FOR THEIR GROCERIES and use something new... called a Credit Card. That one swipe sure is amazing, but it may take a while for it to catch on. Anyways, you also gave a good, long laugh because I have never, ever seen someone so oblivious in my entire life. Keep on a writin' those checks and checking those coupons, and don't forget to argue about some prices while your at it. We are all waiting until the next time we are in line behind you. Can't wait,

LOVE,
KLOU

Like No Place Else

2009-08-16T12:25:00.000-07:00

Fond memories of the unique aspects of living in Madison, WI while I went to school; this article was fun to read. Although I didn't think it was necessarily well written, "Temporary Refugees live it up during annual Homeless Night" brought back memories of living on West Wash, watching all the old couches pile up on the street, and taking in all of the funny ways that students dealt with stowing their stuff for 24 hours in August.

What did I do during this time? I remember borrowing a part of a friend's garage who lived off campus, driving a truck load of stuff to campus on the 15th, and in other years getting lucky with early move in dates. It is fun how something like that becomes so ingrained in the culture of a place. Like so many other things: no where else but Madison would this happen...

What I have in store for me...

2009-08-13T19:34:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday afternoon we were sitting in the park and I was leaning up against an old Oak tree feeding Benji with Jff looking on. Suddenly Jff says looking at the tree, "this tree is a perfect G.I. Joe tree." I didn't respond right away and he went on comtemplating silently. Finally, I admitted that I was puzzled (looking back more about where the comment came from than why it was a G.I. Joe tree... but anyways). He simply explained that the bark would allow one to wedge the G.I. Joe Guy into the tree and then throw rocks and sticks at them until they fell out of the tree. Fantastic.

It made me think about another recent example of how much I have to learn about boys and the way that they think: recently, we were on a walk- passing by the elementary school close to our house. In the parking lot was a dad with two young boys playing around on skate boards. As we passed, one of the kids purposely aimed his skate board at his friend's skate board and hoped right on. I braced myself for crying as the four year old hit the other skateboard with his and fell down pretty hard. Instead of crying, he got right back up and said, "I'm doing that again! It was fun!"

Oh, what an interesting learning curve it will be...

One Year Later: Lessons of the Journey

2009-08-11T20:20:00.000-07:00

Almost exactly a year ago, I got pregnant with the boy we now know as Benji. Even now, looking back, it seems like such a monumental decision. When people ask about how it came down to our decision to begin trying (or more like not actively trying against) I still don't quite know what to say... There was a lot of discussion for the entire year ahead of time... What things would we miss, what would being parents be like, what would change, when would be the best time.... Just like a zillion other couples we talked endlessly about all the things that would be impacted by that simple choice not to use contraception...and then have a baby.

The part that makes me laugh is that seems like an eternity ago. Most of all, I feel incredibly relieved to no longer feel the pressure of that decision. There is no longer all the wondering about how things will work out. Now they just are. I have climbed the mountain and know what it looks like from the top.

What I can't help wanting to tell friends who remain childless and are no doubt weighing THE decision is that the whole thing is a learning process, a letting go process, and a making-peace-with-what-ever-happens-process. In retrospect one of the most powerful lessons that I learned in the last year is that in an era of total control, instant gratification, and constant information, pregnancy and childbirth is a lesson in not knowing and in rolling with the changes. And in the end, out of that comes the serendipity and inexplicable, indescribable joy in life.

So for those of you out there who feel no need to have children: there is no judgment from me. I support people's individual decisions and deeply believe that not everyone is supposed to be a parent. However, for those of you silently contemplating, waiting in the wings for others ahead of you to take the plunge, fearing the loss of your figure, your dink-y lifestyle, and your robust social calendar, remember these things while you contemplate:

You are never READY to have a baby. There is always more you could do without a little friend making everything more complex. At some point though, you just have to choose to get off the treadmill and give up your climate-controlled life. You won't fall apart, in fact, you may be surprised that you end up being a better person with more flexibility and compassion.

After a baby you are more accepting of all the ways that people are just doing the best that they can. If you haven't already, you will learn how to be more patient with your self and to let go of that obnoxious perfectionism (that drives everyone around you nuts anyways.)

You are giving some things up when you have a baby. Get used to it. (You won't miss them as nearly much as you think you will.) You are gaining more than you will ever know.

Don't wait so long to start. You will look back and wonder why you did. There are no guarantees in this life and nothing goes according to plan. Grandparents and other important people won't live forever.

This is one of the most amazing things you will ever do in life. No matter who you are, the feeling of bringing another person in to the world is absolutely incredible. Don't be afraid of it, embrace the privilege of it all.

You may never look exactly the same as you did prior to carrying a child inside of you for almost ten months. Somehow though, it doesn't matter quite as much how you look in a bikini anymore. The stretch marks on your stomach are not marks of failure but rather the pride you feel in your physical and mental strength.

And, oh, good luck when the time comes for you. I along with all the other parents in the world will be cheering for you.

A Ponder

2009-08-09T14:23:00.000-07:00

It seems the possibilities for heart break are much greater when you have a child.

Let's Talk About Sex

2009-08-07T19:37:00.000-07:00

... Or at least contraception, birth rates, and STDs. There have been some really interesting articles lately, especially related to contraception. Although none of them are asking why there still isn't anything on the market that a man has to be responsible for, more discussion about the older options might lead us to that, especially in a time when many literally cannot afford to have an oopsie!

The Best Birth Control: Why more young women should start using IUDs

Withdrawl Method Finds Ally

Recession's toll seen in U.S.'s birth rate

D.C. to offer STD tests in every high school

RSS Feed that one, baby!

2009-08-06T10:56:00.000-07:00

If you are interested in wine, or interested in being interested in wine, or just like to read well-written blog posts about wine, or hate wine but love to hate it... Anyways, a friend of mine who used to write for a terrific neighborhood newspaper that was recently shut down has his own blooming wine blog, The Onologist's Wine Blog. I am not particularily into wine, but the way he writes makes me want to be. He combines his discussion of wines with reviews of restaurants where he eats, and posts fabulous pictures to boot. In short, it is so worth your time to read.

How to Lick a Slug (and Love the Outdoors)

2009-08-05T15:02:00.000-07:00

Nicholas Kristof's article, How to Lick a Slug is a fabulous look at social change around the outdoors in the United States. It makes me both sad, but thankful that both husband and I grew up with a chance to really love and engage in the wonder of natural places.

Whether it is the Boundary Waters, the Quetico Wilderness, the Lake Superior Hiking Trail, the Waimea Canyon in Kauai, Rocky Mountain National Park, the Muir Woods, Acadia National Park, the Blue Ridge Mountains or Skiing in Lake Tahoe, I am drawn to the power of the outdoors. Thanks to the appreciation that was fostered in me from the beginning, I never feel quite so happy as I do when I am exploring or just drinking it in. (Thanks, Parents!) I hope that there is a resurgence of this feeling in this country, or as Kristof so defly points out, these areas will not be around in their natural splendor forever.

I feel proud that husband and I are already doing our part to make sure Benji appreciates the incredible joy that can be found as soon as he leaves the indoors, and all electrical outlets, behind.

Today's Mail

2009-08-03T15:05:00.000-07:00

Today I got a wedding invitation from a former student of mine. She graduated from high school in 2005 and is now just about to graduate from college. Time flies, I can't believe that I will be watching a girl that I taught and advised in student council from the time that she was a sophomore until she was a senior, get married. Unreal.

I hate the cliche, "wow, that really makes me feel old", but it does. However, great happiness to be so proud of the woman my former student has grown into. I can't wait to watch her tie the knot. I believe that she will be fantastically happy. I absolutely love watching my former students grow up, and she has been my favorite of all.

Thanks for the mail, ABS!

Working Mama: Take One

2009-08-02T20:35:00.000-07:00

This week, I will become a working mama. This change has been haunting me for quite a while and all too soon it is now just a day away. Although I have accepted it is going to happen, I have been really sad about it. I feel like something important is slipping away, I feel conflicted, I feel like my heart will break when I only get to see my baby boy a few hours out of each day.

The hardest part about all of this is that I have few friends who can really understand this experience (and consequently help me through it). Like most things in motherhood, this is something that can only be truly understood after you have gone through it yourself. Of the friends of mine who are mothers, few have gone back to work.

The thing is that I love my job. I have a lot of work to do before my students return this fall. I am excited about it. I like the program I manage, I love the students I work with, and I like the challenge of it all. I feel extremely lucky to have made a career change successfully before Baby B came along. My job, although not as fun as having free time, is pretty enjoyable. I know that I am meant to be out in the world, working towards a better life for others.

So although I can't wait to get back, I also can't imagine what it will be like to not spend every day with the Benji-man. We have seldom been apart in his first three months and I am sad that I won't be with him as he is trying to learn how to nap in a different bed and deal with all of the changes that are about to hit him. Knowing that I cannot be the one he wakes up to, snuggles with, and smiles at all day long makes me want to apologize to him. When I think about it, I feel like a part of myself will be missing during the day now. There is no better word for it all than heart break.

I always return to the fact that in the long run I would not enjoy being a stay-at-home mom. Already this summer being home has left me often feeling lonely and a bit isolated and sometimes even bored. Although I have a mommy network, it is not enough for me. I still itch to use my brain, to pursue adult things rather than planning enriching activities for Benji all day. I really admire people who can stay home, can be that self-contained, and who find great fulfillment in it. I just know I am not one of those people. So the going back to work has to happen eventually.

Oh, the mental gymnastics... Thank God for Mom and Baby Friends. I just got an email from another mom who is going back to work from the group this summer:

It's my last week off and I'm having a hard time thinking of going back to work. 12 weeks really went fast and my littly guy is growing up so fast. :( We moved Kai to a crib, I'm weaning off the breastfeeding and now I'm not going to be with him all day anymore. I think I'm a little hormonal but having a tough time with the situation. Would be good to chat with you all...

The irony is that those of us who are going back, now don't have much time to get together to commiserate...Most of the moms I know who have gone back assure me that the first week is the worst and after that it all gets better. I have a feeling that on Tuesday I may need to "cry it out" and just try to focus on why I am glad to be back at work. I know that all day long I will be fighting the urge to call and check up on him. I am no good with transitions and this one just feels very unnatural.

I will update after a week of working mama-dom. Wish me luck!

Motherhood by the Numbers

2009-08-01T09:55:00.000-07:00

So far:

Months being a mother: 3
Days away from Baby B: 0
Ounces of milk in the freezer: 150
Average hours slept per night: 7.5
Nights of post 10 pm bedtime: 10
Date nights with husband: 2
Times spit up on: too many to count
Diapers changed: a million
Larger cars purchased: 1
Movies watched: 8
Days left until returning to work: 1
Minutes to myself: approx. 200
Babies adored: 1

Funny Story

2009-07-30T04:02:00.000-07:00

My status on FB just now:

Trip to New Jersey: ______ Airport 9 am, boarded plane 3 times, sat on tarmack twice, deplaned 3 times, sat in the airport 2 miles from own house for most of the day, returned home at 5:30 pm with a canceled flight and luggage that made it to Newark. Total miles traveled yesterday: 4. Attempt #2 tonight- can't wait.

I think it's a funny story, but only after the surealness of it all has dissipated.

It got me thinking about the major problems this country has with long-distance travel. The airlines and the entire airport system in this country is a major mess on the edge of crashing and burning. (No pun intended.) And it is our best option from getting from point A to point B without driving. Yikes!

My work conference will be half over by the time I get "there". What a waste of time and money this all is.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

2009-07-29T07:03:00.000-07:00

Today. I have been dreading this trip since the beginning of July. We are headed out to the east coast for a work conference of mine. Husband and Baby B are coming along so that I didn't have to be without the baby for 5 days. I am relieved they will be with me, but I am also wondering how this is all going to work with them with me.

So, when I come back it will be back to work and back to reality!

Month 3

2009-07-21T10:08:00.000-07:00

On Thursday Benji will be 3 months old. Although I feel like he has been a part of our life for a long time, I also feel like I can't believe that he is already that old. Wasn't it just yesterday that I gave birth?

Then again, as he is growing up, he is now much easier to "manage" (I have no better word for it). He has lost the fussiness of a new baby. He now interacts with us- smiling, making sounds, "playing" intentionally, and actively enjoying life. He can hold his head up, look around, follow objects (and people) with his eyes, and hold things in his hands. Now, he only cries for specific reasons: he is tired, he is hungry, he is uncomfortable. His personality is clearly emerging now... A little shy around new people, fascinated by the world around him, constantly observing (so much so that he has a hard time "shutting off" when it is time to go to sleep), happy but serious, and loves to play and move.

As of late, I have watched him become more physical. He is a very big, strong baby and he loves to move. While playing on his tummy he moves his legs like he is trying to crawl and has rolled over on to his side already by pushing with his legs. He kicks very hard while sitting in various seats and if he is supported by us, will stand on his legs. When he spreads his arms straight out on either side of himself, he has a huge wingspan...

In terms of sleeping he is taking more consistent naps and is better about going down with less coaxing. At night he normally will sleep for 5-6 hour chunks, and he has had one 8 hour night (we are waiting for a repeat performance that hasn't happened yet). Up until now he hasn't been good at sleeping anywhere other than his swing at home, but is finally now able to sleep a little while we are on a walk or shopping.

If nothing else, he is a man with a schedule in mind and is nice and predictable. The challenge lately is deciding how much of that schedule to abide by- how much do I stick around the house because he wants to sleep, and how much do I ask him to try and sleep while we are on the move? I feel like that is slowly getting a bit easier to figure out... But traveling still gets him off and he is a far cry from what I would call a "flexible" baby.

Benji's feedings are finally spreading out and that makes life feel incredibly more sane than it was. Although he still pretty much refuses pacifiers, he does suck on his hand or blankets and can hold himself off just a bit before a feed. I no longer live in fear for when he would just start screaming out of no where to be fed and couldn't be brought down without eating (this proves to be challenging while you are in the middle of Target). The next phase will be getting him to reliably take bottles during the day (he will always take the bottle from Jff in the middle of the night). I will soon need to figure out where and how often to pump at work, just as he will need to be soothed by bottles at daycare. That part makes me sad, as much as I want to work, it just feels wrong for us to be separated when I have what he wants most. :-)

So as we move past the three month mark, I am sure that life will continue to get easier. Even though Benji always continues to change and grow so that new tricks quickly become outdated, we have gotten to know him pretty well. We have spent almost a 'semester' studying him and now are feeling like seasoned pros (most of the time). The newest challenges appearing on our horizon will be traveling to the east coast with him next week (for work), day care, returning to work, and oh, the illustrious teething that seems to be right around the corner! Can't wait for more of our little person to emerge!

A Refocus of Sorts

2009-07-21T05:57:00.000-07:00

The first thing I should say here is that before I had Benji, I was really afraid of this blog becoming a mommy blog. I was determined that I would not just write about Benji, but that I would rather continue on writing about the random things I always had.

Call me naive, but this is much harder than I had originally thought...

Why? Well, first of all, I usually blog about things that I think about and have some commentary on. Now, I THINK and reflect a lot about Benji and being a mom (this is part of what you sign up for when you give birth- your brain changes). I have a hard time not writing about my experience as a mom all the time now. Second, especially right now, I am just not out as much doing things that don't involve Benji. I am not back at work yet, I don't often go places without him, and more to the point, my life all of sudden has a bit of a different focus to it. It is no longer about what I want to do all the time, but rather what I NEED to do a lot of the time.

So, I hope that is a bit of an explanation for the fact that I will be writing a bit more about mom stuff. The funny thing about this explanation is that I don't really know who reads this blog other than the few who comment on it or who talk to me directly about it. I am assuming there are about three people who read. That is fine with me, in the end, I write it for myself and not for an audience, and that is ultimately why I feel like I can just let it evolve. My apologies to those who are uninterested, but let the fun begin.

A New Favorite

2009-07-16T15:21:00.000-07:00

I found a new favorite dish the other night when we attended a summer BBQ for the organization that I am involved with. As a board member, I needed to be there but desperately did not want to go yet another place where we would have to introduce Benji eight thousand times, pacify him once he is sufficiently over-stimulated by all the new faces, and all the while maintain polite, coherent conversation with many people I do not know well.

One small bonus of the evening, aside from the fact that Benji provided a great reason not to stay long, was tasting a great cole slaw that a fellow board member had brought. It tasted very fresh, and after eating lots of different salads this summer, it was very new to me. Everyone raved about it, and after a little bit of research, I found the recipe on epicurious.com:

Cabbage and Corn Slaw with Cilantro and Orange Dressing:

1/3 cup frozen orange juice concentrate, thawed
1/3 cup unseasoned rice vinegar
1/3 cup canola oil or vegetable oil
2 (8-ounce) bags coleslaw mix
4 ears of fresh corn, shucked, kernels cut from cob
2 medium carrots, peeled, coarsely grated
1 medium red bell pepper, stemmed, cored, cut into thin strips
6 medium green onions, thinly sliced
1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro

Whisk orange juice concentrate, rice vinegar, and canola oil in small bowl. Season with salt and pepper. DO AHEAD Dressing can be made 1 day ahead. Cover and refrigerate.

Combine slaw mix, corn kernels, carrots, red bell pepper strips, sliced green onions, and chopped cilantro in large bowl. Toss with enough dressing to coat. Season slaw to taste with salt and pepper. Let stand 15 minutes for flavors to blend. Toss again and serve.

Our 1,095th Day

2009-07-15T07:22:00.000-07:00

Four years ago last week Jff and I walked up a mountain in the rain and he asked me if we could, sometime in the future, get all dressed up, take lots of pictures, and get legally bound to each other.... So three years ago today we got hitched. We had an amazing time and to be honest, the fun still hasn't stopped.

Since July 15th, 2006 we have had many adventures together. Jff graduated with his master's degree, under went a massive job hunt and in the fall of 2006 landed what would become his dream job. He is still at it. I began living a dream where in which I began my slow departure from the world of high school education, I taught part time while returning to grad school. We continued to travel, play outside, and do many sports together. We updated our kitchen, updated many other rooms in the house, built a deck, and started to remodel our basement. I quit teaching altogether and found a job in higher ed while finishing my master's degree. Jff began publishing his work papers left and right, with requests to speak and travel to different places to share his expertise. We traveled for three weeks in Europe visiting Denmark, Czech Republic, Germany, France, and Iceland. I was given an oral history project to run at work. I wrote my master's thesis. Jff and I found out that we were expecting our first child. I landed my dream job. Benji was born and is almost three months old.

All of these adventures have been scary, crazy, and amazing, but most of all a wonderful part of our life together. Every day I feel incredibly lucky to have met Jff when I did. And the best part of three years together? I get to see him every day. I get to watch him be an amazing father, grow professionally, and to do great projects at home. I get to be his playmate and his biggest fan. I get to disagree with him and I get to discuss the matters of the world with him. I get to ride next to him in the car, wake up next to him in the morning, and end my day with him every night. I get to cry with him and do a ton of a laughing with him. I get to raise a child with him.

I would be remiss in writing this whole blog post with out mentioning how both of us owe our continued happy and wonderful life to many of those around us. We are blessed with a terrific network of friends and relatives who every day enrich our lives as we enrich each others' lives. We have great friends to go on adventures with, to discuss matters of the day with, and make light of our ups and downs with. We have family who love us and share their lives with us in ways that make our life together better. Most of all? We are lucky we have people who will babysit for us when we go out for our anniversary! Happy day, Jff!

Project: Quiet Book Rehabilitation

2009-07-09T19:54:00.000-07:00

Last September my Grandma Peterson passed away after a long struggle with COPD and debilitating demensia. Prior to being sick my Grandma had been a powerhouse all her life. She golfed a mean game, could talk to anyone about anything, loved the Cubs, cooked, sewed up a storm, and could organize stuff and people better than anyone I know.

Now that she is gone, reminders of her are everywhere for me. Everyday I see the samplers that she crossed stitched for my birth and for my marriage to Jff. I love the Christmas decorations she both made and gave me every year. I treasure so many other little things that she left behind for me. Thinking of her before her illnesses changed her makes me incredibly happy.

The one thing that I can't help but miss is that I wish she would have lived long enough to have met Benji. She had a such a way with babies and just was always brimming with so much love. I have been thinking a lot about my childhood with her and wishing for the same sort of person in my son's life. Because of this it has prompted me to track down some of the things that she made for me when I was a young girl.

One of the most important things in my memory was the "Quiet Book" Grandma made me. Since I don't think anyone will make one for Benjamin, I would love for him to be able to enjoy it (and take part in one of Grandma's legacies) as well.

This artifact was well loved and unfortunately was hidden in a box in my parents basement for a long time. My mom recently dug it out for me, and I realize that it needs a little TLC before it can be a favorite toddler toy of Benji's. Here is my plan:

Page 1 needs a new purple felt triangle with a small velcro piece sewed on the back. Page 2, the mitten could use some new eyes since the old marks faded when I washed it.

Page 4 needs a stain removed and all of the ladybug's black dots re-attached.

Page 5 and 6 are in good shape.

Page 7 needs a new (two layer) felt balloon with a snap sewn into it. On page 8 the football laces need to be re-washed and bleached to be white again.

Page 9 and 10 need some new beads, a replacement string of four beads, and some strings re-attached.

Then it will be as good as new! Hopefully, then it will endure many more years of love from Benji and any future kids.

Quiz: How do you know you have hit rock bottom?

2009-07-04T15:57:00.000-07:00

I know that I really shouldn't be sitting on my computer on the Fourth of July, let alone posting on my blog (twice), but I have to say this somewhere:

Sometimes facebook makes me sad. It makes me sad when the same person takes a thousand and five Facebook quizzes a day. No, I am not talking about the occasional interest in "What Seinfeld character you would be?"... or "What color would you be?" (I admit I guilty of taking this one... for some unknown reason) I am, in fact, talking about the constant stream of results from various quizzes that are then relayed in my status updates. It tells me that the person in question either a) has WAY too much time on their hands, b) maybe having an identity crisis, c) didn't get enough quizzes in middle school in their Seventeen Magazine or d) have nothing more inspiring in their life to engage in rather than taking Facebook quizzes constantly.

Option e) "all of the above" leaves me tremendously distressed.

Today I believe I witnessed an Option E, or a hitting of rock bottom of sorts: one of my "friends" on facebook, a compulsive quiz-taker, took the quiz "What would I be if I were a 4th of July Firework?".
Scary, wrong, disturbing, and most of all, uninteresting.

Peach White Wine Sangria, Please

2009-07-04T15:28:00.000-07:00

If I could drink right now, this would be my drink of choice: Peach-White Wine Sangria*. Perfect for using a lot of garden basil and for delighting in the summer season.

*Thanks to notmartha.com for highlighting the recipe.

A message in my cereal bowl

2009-07-03T07:05:00.000-07:00

This morning as I was putting fruit on my cereal, I had a thought that I have often:

There are a zillion and five paint/dye colors out there. However, it still seems like there is no true way to capture the colors that are created in the wild. Those colors are so deep, so vibrant, so fluid that it seems there is no way to really replicate them with synthetic mediums.

Examples?
The sunset I saw a few nights ago as I drove home through the River Valley. In parts of the sky there was barely any color and in other parts it was the deepest pink. I know that millions of paintings have tried to replicate this, but I don't think they ever quite succeed.

The cattails that we walked through last night. Husband, baby B and I went for a walk through a wet land nature preserve and in the evening light the greens were so incredibly vibrant in contrast with the beautiful dark water, it was breath taking. There is no comparison to the green of a living thing.

My blueberries this morning were that deep, deep blue with a bit of lighter color over the top. Hardly words to describe, but a color that makes you feel that it is fitting that you EAT blueberries, as a way to experience them to the fullest.

Fall leaves, especially the color of leaves from Maple trees. Last fall, on the morning of LLC's wedding, as I drove through the tree-lined streets on the way to the church, my breath was taken away as the sun came through many of these bright red leaves. I don't think I will ever forget that feeling or that picture in my mind.

It strikes me as I write this that maybe that is why winter is so hard for me (and many others)... I miss the vibrant colors and textures of the world while it is covered in white flatness that is either too dark or too bright. So I guess a reminder, in the middle of the summer, to enjoy the existence of color today, even if it is just in your bowl of cereal.

Attempting a Blog Post...

2009-07-03T06:37:00.000-07:00

This post was written over two weeks ago and at first I wasn't going to post it since it remained unfinished, and frankly didn't have much to say, but in hopes of at least getting something posted to my blog, here it is:

Tonight I am on my own with the monkey man (as husband calls Benji). Husband is giving a talk at an evening event for work. Benji is currently sleeping in the swing which is giving me a short break. It is times like these that I have tremendous amount of respect for single mothers or stay at home moms whose husbands travel. It is hard to be on all day AND all night.

So just some random thoughts to give me a break from baby world for a few minutes:

Neighborhood watch, part two: today, the house across the street is getting re-roofed. The workers started early this morning and are still going. It has been fun to watch what is going on over there. I honestly don't know why I am so fascinated with watching projects in the neighborhood or why I think I need to write about it... I think I just like watching things get done, funny how it is a productive FEELING even if I am not personally accomplishing anything.

A woman who is both a personal friend and a professional mentor came over this afternoon to visit Benji and also to update me on some of the work that we do together. It was fun to see her, she is really a wonderful person. The only downside is that the visit reminded me of all of the changes that will be taking place this fall at the institution where I work. This fall will be interesting as the center where I am based out of will change. So currently, I am virtually boss-less and my program is home-less in a sense. There is a lot of work to be done when I return to work in the middle of August, all with shifting boundaries and responsibilities, and with a lot of shifts happening at home due to daycare, etc. It feels a bit overwhelming and for now I would rather have my head in the sand of summer.

For Father's day we went to a Twins game with my dad, step-mom, and brother. Benji was also in attendance. It was a great game- we had excellent seats down near the field behind left field. However, it was the first time that I actually was hoping for no homeruns because the crowd would get so crazy loud that it would scare Benji. There were four home runs of course.

Abrupt end-back to Benji duty.

New Toys

2009-06-17T19:38:00.000-07:00

Last Friday we bought a new (used) car. We are now the proud owners of a 2008 Subaru Outback Wagon. It is charcoal gray, has heated seats, a built in roof rack, and it is really fun to drive. When I was in high school I drove a old Subaru wagon and loved the hatch back, and I have to say that I am still incredibly taken by the "fifth door". I have already used it for diaper changes while we are on the go, the stroller fits in beautifully, and it is a perfect way to travel with gardening supplies, outdoor equipment, and home improvement goodies. I think we will love that car, especially in the winter time. After a very long and drawn out decision making process (that included a very complex spread sheet thanks to husband) we didn't find the perfect combination of fuel efficiency, cargo space, and comfort, however, we did end up with a car that we like a lot until there are better options on the market.

So in the Subaru today, I tooled around the south metro. Visiting my sister, going to my step sister's garage sale, and visiting the in-laws. We returned home with some great new (used) toys and for Benjamin from the garage sale.

New toys for everyone!

People watching

2009-06-16T17:01:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday Husband, Baby B, and I ventured out for a walk and a picnic by one of the lakes in the city. The weather was absolutely spectacular- lots of sun and a great breeze. The sailboats were racing on the lake, people were out paddling, swimming, walking, biking, and roller blading. We found a shady spot under some great trees on the northeast side of the lake near the rose garden where we spread out our blanket ate, napped, read, people watched, and played together.

Throughout the course of the afternoon we watched as set up was taking place for a wedding ceremony among the roses across the street. We saw the wedding party milling around in their brightly colored dresses and nice tuxedos, the old fashioned car for after the wedding, and the bride and groom posing for pictures near the gardens.

As all the walkers and bikers went by, they would remark about the gardens or maybe the wedding that was going to take place. Then, as the time for the ceremony was near, people began to gather just off the walking path, near where we were, to watch as the bride processed in and the ceremony got underway.

From where I sat, I couldn't see the wedding but I could see all the onlookers. It was really fun to watch the group grow in size, the people stand quietly and most with big smiles on their faces. No one crossed the street or tried to go anywhere near the ceremony, they just stood and watched from afar with great happiness for complete strangers as they got married. I found the whole scene very touching. It just seemed so marvelous, so friendly, and so happy. I don't know why, but it really made me feel good about people- that they are inherently good, that they do delight in each others happiness, and that we really are social creatures. It is great to know that people revel in each others happiness and that weddings, although they happen every day, are still sacred events to most people.

A Day in the Life

2009-06-15T17:50:00.000-07:00

Since I don't do much other than baby lately, here are some pictures of what we have been up to...

The only way I garden lately... with Benji along for the ride. Although, when it comes to relaxing on a blanket by the lake, Benji is a pro. Looking at sky, tree branches, and leaves provides hours of entertainment.

Lately, we do a lot of swinging which means that Benji swings and I quickly do any of the following, (sometimes at the same time): shower, eat, laundry, use the bathroom, change clothes, or pick up the living room.

Bath time has become almost a daily thing around here- it generally follows a diaper blow out, a large spit up, or a fussy spell. Benji is a fantastic swimmer, most of the time doesn't pee or poop while we are in the tub, and will even patiently let me shower after the bath while he sits in his bouncy seat in the bathroom.

We do a lot of snuggling in our PJs- even though now that the weather is nicer we are spending more time on walks outside by one of the lakes (most of the time NOT in our PJs), every day involves a lot of loving and snuggling.

Sleeping... I would love to say this is a common activity at our house... At night: not too bad. During the day: rarely are we willing to sleep without constant companionship.

We do our fair share of laughing and smiling...

We also do our fair share of expressing our discontents...

I would be remiss if I didn't mention the ENORMOUS amount of time that we spend feeding (as evidenced by Benji's CHUNKER status), but I don't need to show you a picture of that.

Overall, we just do a lot of hanging out.

The Mommy Network

2009-06-11T19:09:00.000-07:00

At the very beginning of my maternity leave, I confessed to my mom who was helping us out with Benjamin, "Mom, I don't know if I am going to be able to stay home for the whole summer..." I was nervous about taking care of Benji all day everyday by myself, especially while during the first week it took three adults to keep this house going (and I was still exhausted and overwhelmed!). I felt a little worried about being lonely or feeling isolated in my house daily with my little bundle of joy (and constant need).

Today, Benjamin is six weeks old. Time has flown. Now, instead of worrying about staying home, I worry about how to balance it all when I go back to work. I think of all the things that I could be doing during the day instead of being at work (don't get me wrong- overall, I do want to go back, I just want it all- work and time with B everyday). In the time since I worried about being isolated at home, I have discovered what probably a lot of people already know about: The Mommy Network.

This is not a website, no it is not a phone tree, or a twelve step program. It is the unofficial, just under the radar, collection of activities, things, and people that function to be a stay at home mom's social network. Don't get me wrong, everyone's is different, and you do have to make some efforts at finding it, but the shocker is that it is there for almost everyone that looks. I didn't think I would have one, or access to one, and I was very wrong. With very little effort, I now have many things, friends, and activities I wish I could continue doing come this fall when I will back at work full time. Here are some of my recent discoveries:

Mom and Baby Yoga Bonding Class: A new yoga studio opened up a few blocks north of my house and this is a class that is being offered. Benji and I went to our first session yesterday. Not only did I learn a lot of different ways to massage and soothe him, but I learned a lot of poses that he and I can do together that will help me get back in shape. The best part? Other mothers and babies to meet, an instructor who is also a mom and a doula and is very connected to the natural community, all of this in my own neighborhood. Most importantly, Benji loved it. He was very calm during and afterwards.
Walking Dates: My friends CS and I started walking around our respective lakes together last week and it is really great. Last week we got to talk and stroll around my lake and on the way home, we ran into our other friend heading out to the park with her 1 year old. We stood on the corner of my street- a gaggle of strollers and boy babies, catching up, soaking up advice (me), arranging to share hand me down clothes and gear. Then a few minutes later another mother on the block came down to talk professional opportunities with CS and join in... And I thought I didn't really have that many friends with kids... Several friends have disclosed that they are expecting their second!(yikes!)
Mom and Baby Class: This is a discussion group offered through the hospital where I delivered and it is for mothers of new babies. It is designed for new moms to share discoveries and more importantly to ask questions of each other and the facilitator. There are a lot of things that are personal discoveries about your own child, but there are also many things that are helpful to hear about what other solutions people have found. It is nice also to hear that other moms feel generally as clueless as I do at times.
Coffee Shop Dates: There is a coffee shop a few miles from my house that has a really cool play area for young kids. Because of this, moms flock to grab a cup and meet other moms and kids. I met another friend who is a mom for coffee here the other day. It was really fun to be able to watch her young one, feed Benji, and be out with the predominantly mom crowd all while we chatted and drank. It felt so fun to be able to go out to a place that was very kid (and mom) friendly.

I like that in the last few weeks of being at home my days have changed quite a bit. I am much more able to get out (by myself) with Benji and we now have a lot going on. I feel slightly guilty at times that he is napping in the car or in the Bjorn as we are out and about, but in the end, I think what they say is true: the secret to happy babies and kids is happy parents. It is fun to feel like there is more to my life again than feeding a baby all day long, but also not going back to work yet.

Neighborhood Watch

2009-06-06T19:51:00.000-07:00

Last night, as husband and I were on a neighborhood walk with the boy, we were musing about all the beautiful tree lined streets in the area where we live. Although not notable during the winter without leaves, in the summer around here there is this beautiful green canopy along the boulevards that provide nice shade and a great neighborhood feel. I love how this gives the area where we live a historic and established vibe and the trees are just plain beautiful to look at.

Sadly, now both the Ash and Elm trees are falling victim to strains of fungal diseases that spread quickly along neighborhood blocks. As the trees are cut down, massive stumps, with diameters of up to 4 feet are left behind on boulevards leaving an unsightly bare spot along the street.

As we were walking, I noticed that these stumps a few blocks from our house had recently been ground up into mulch. Although the stump was still there, it was just cut away until there was a trench about 2 feet deep where soil could be filled in and grass will eventually grow. I was so interested in this (many of the crevices were really big and I was curious how they were cut up) and was delighted to see new trees planted near the old stumps.

Today when Benji and I returned home from meeting a friend for coffee, I saw this truck pull up with what looked like a giant saw blade in front of our house. I realized with excitement that it was going to grind up the huge, ugly stump (with millions of suckers growing out of it) across the street. This is the sort of stuff I love to watch!

The guy driving the truck got out and with a remote control (fun!) guided the saw blade into the stump. It was amazing (and great fun) to stand out in the yard and watch this massive tree implement kick up dirt, grass, and tiny pieces of wood from the stump site! The noise was terrific, the dust was being blown all over, and the force with which that blade dug into the wood and dirt was breath-taking.

The whole episode made me wonder who designs tools like that (brillant) and if in another life I was meant to be a landscaper...

It takes a village...

2009-06-01T15:40:00.000-07:00

Several months ago, our friend, neighbor, and unofficial community organizer KK approached us with a question. "Would you want people to bring you meals for a while after you bring the baby home from the hospital?" A group of people had done this for her family after they had had their little girl and she thought it was a great idea. We didn't know what to expect, but we agreed that if our friends were willing, we would accept the help.

KK spearheaded the meal effort at my baby shower, creating a sign up sheet for the month of May. For everyone that signed up to bring us a meal, Katie communicated with them about foods that we had wouldn't/couldn't eat, as well as reminding people when they had signed up. Right before we had the baby, Katie gave us a list of people who were bringing us food.

When KK first showed us the sign up sheet, I was blown away. There were so many people that signed up! Neighbors, friends, couples that we knew had chosen a time that they would like to share a meal with us. I was so flattered, I didn't know what to say. I was worried this was a big imposition for people and didn't want them to think that we expected them to do this. Most of all, having never had a baby, I didn't know if we would need a whole month of meals.

A month later, we have a baby that is now over four weeks old, a refrigerator and freezer that are completely stocked with food, most of the pyrex dishes in town waiting to be returned, and two well-fed new parents. Over 20 families/individuals have brought us meals...some more than once. Many people have brought over meals and joined us for dinner, some people have dropped off meals and stayed to see Benji, others have invited us over for a meal. We have had such great food: many different versions of "comfort food", a great variety of salads, some good pizzas, amazing desserts, and overall many different dishes that we have never had before.

Overall, the meal plan has been nothing short of absolutely wonderful. Like most things related to pregnancy and having a baby, you don't realize until AFTER you have experienced it what is helpful and what is not. (Note to self: Meals for new parents: catalogue as HELPFUL and NEEDED. Will do for others.) It has been so nice not to have to worry about what we are having for lunch or dinner on a daily basis. It is one less thing to worry about when Benji is refusing to take a nap or when time gets away from us and it is already dinner time. Because I am breast feeding, I am a walking hunger machine, and knowing that there is always something prepared in the refrigerator, is AWESOME.

Beyond having food for dinner that we haven't had to cook, seeing everyone has also been great. In the space of four weeks we have seen so many of our friends. Although we don't get out as much as we used to, it is really nice to share a meal with close friends, introduce them to Benjamin, and have some semblance of what our life used to be like for a few minutes. It also has felt good to share our new existance with those friends that aren't quite there yet; those that we know we don't want to lose touch with. Being new parents can be isolating, especially when you are used to leaving the house a little bit more often.

I am always busy contemplating community and how to more actively create community among people. I like it when people share ideas, resources, and support each other. I think one of the greatest gifts that our friends, especially KK, but everyone that has brought us a meal has given us is the sense that we have a support network and that people are genuinely there to contribute when we need it. Thank you to everyone who has in some way shown us your support. It makes me feel so glad to be able do this for other people when I get the chance!

Delivering Benjamin to the World

2009-05-25T20:36:00.001-07:00

I have this silly pattern in my life where I often over-think things that end up turning out fine, or really, much better than expected. The entire time that I was pregnant, I was incredibly nervous about the thing that came of the end of being pregnant: labor. As I got more and more anxious to be done being pregnant, I also got more and more anxious about the whole process of giving birth. It was not because I didn't know what to expect, I had read about it, I had been preparing for it, and we had been practicing how to deal with it.

In the end, I wouldn't say that my nervousness was unfounded- it was many of the things I had feared: painful, difficult, scary, and mentally challenging. However, it turned out much better than I had expected: I had no complications or unnecessary medical procedures, I was able to have the birth I wanted, and most of all it was one of the best experiences of my life. I had forgotten to factor in that one final outcome: a baby that you had created placed on your chest a split second after all that hard work. That alone makes the entire process not only worth it, but also worth doing again.

My birth story started, ironically, in a less than happy way. During my normal pre-natal visit to the clinic on Friday the 24th of April, I gave the usual urine sample. It was not until the following Tuesday the 27th that the clinic finally got the results and realized that there was protein in my urine. This sent up red flags and I was called into the office immediately that afternoon. After another urine test and a series of blood tests, I was released to go home (with the urine negative, and the bloodwork not back yet). They were worried about a disease called HELLP Syndrome which impacts pregnant women by attacking the liver and kidneys while they are still pregnant.

I returned home to take care of husband who had been home sick from work with the flu. I laughed with him about the fact that my urine test had been positive- such a fluke I thought. I had had the healthiest pregnancy possible, it was impossible to believe that in my 39th week I was going to be diagnosed with a really dangerous disease of pregnancy. Then the phone rang and it was my mid-wife. The bloodwork was back and my liver enzymes were abnormally high. I was instructed to come right to the hospital, ready to give birth. They would need to induce me in order to protect my health- with the HELLP Syndrome, when the pregnancy ends so do the symptoms and dangerous side effects. There was no negotiating. Sick husband, or not, opposition to being induced or not, I was expected at the hospital in a few hours.

Tuesday night in the hospital included getting a Cervidil insert which is used to "ripen" (their word, not mine) the cervix- sort of a "pre-heat" to induction. The midwives knew that I did not want to be induced and so instead of taking the Cervidil out after 12 hours they agreed to let me keep it in for 24 hours in hopes that that alone would send me into labor without having to take Pitocin. An IV drip with Pitocin would take place Thursday morning if I was not already in labor.

All day Wednesday I had slight contractions, which is normal with Cervidil. I spent the day reading, watching tv, and visiting with friend BW who works at the Birth Place. At four o'clock, the Cervidil fell out and almost immediately my contractions started to get much harder. By five o'clock, I was in real pain with very intense back labor and our doula had arrived at the hospital. Real labor was beginning.

The next four hours were a blur. The thing is that time flies when you are giving birth because you are so focused on dealing with each contraction and then relaxing in between (mine were only about 2-3 minutes apart around this time) and you are just trying to deal with the pain so that you don't pay attention to the hours ticking by. I remember looking out the window at one point- amazed that it was dark out and that it was already 9 o'clock.

At that point, the midwife came in to check me and I was 5 cm dialated. During the check, my bag of waters broke and I remember feeling an incredible amount of warm fluid washing over my leg on to the bed. What a strange feeling! One of the most shocking parts of the whole labor to be honest. But once my water was gone, the baby's head was pushing much harder on my pelvis and that back labor I was experiencing got much worse.

Because I did not want to take any drugs or medication for the pain, and because the pain was so intense at this point, the midwife proposed using sterile water injections in my back. This is a procedure that usually is performed in home births but it works to numb the area of the back for a short while. The only drawback? Apparently, it is very painful to have the injections in your back. In my experience, the shots were a minor nuisance compared to the pain of the contractions in the muscles in my back. The benefit of the water injections? They did help, but only for a few contractions.

By the time it got to be 11 o'clock, I felt very out of control- all the muscles in my legs were shaking, I had a hard time breathing through the contractions, and I couldn't find a position that helped manage the pain. I was going through what is called "transition" in labor, which is typically a time when labor can stall out, it is probably the most painful, and it is compared to "hitting the wall" when you run a marathon- essentially doubting that you can make it. This was the worst part of labor by far, and literally, I can hardly remember much of it because it was such an intense time. The only thing I remember really is not wanting the baby to be born before midnight because I didn't want an uneven birthday in April-- hmmm... a little out of my mind, maybe?

The last 'stage' of labor was the pushing... and somehow in all my knowledge of birth, I had forgotten how long this stage can last. I remember getting into bed around 12:30 or 1:00 a.m. as my contractions had gotten to the point where it felt better to push through the pain- I was happy it was the last part of labor. I just didn't realize how long I had yet to go. I pushed for two solid hours which turned out to be the hardest physical exertion I have ever experienced in my life. Later I was told by both my doula and midwife that my pushing stage was harder than most they had seen- a lot of people push for as long, but not nearly as hard as I needed to. I had the nurse, the midwife, my doula, and Jff all gathered around the bed coaching me along as I screamed (literally) my way through the last two hours- sweating, drinking water between contractions, searching the depth of my being for more energy to continue pushing. Everyone kept telling me how well I was doing and each time I would ask if they could "see the face yet"; I couldn't believe how long it took Benji's head to spin through my pelvis.

Finally, Benji's head emerged (along with a hand he had right up by his face that had made it extra hard to get him out) and I could hear the midwife suctioning out his nose and mouth. A few more pushes and at 3:17 a.m. he came all the way out. Within a second of birth, with his umbilical cord attached, he was handed up to me to hold. He was not even crying yet and covered in his special coating of vernix from the womb.

I still don't know that I have the power to convey my experience. I was so tired, relieved, and very much in another world right then. I was beyond exhausted- I was not exactly in the birth room mentally. I think I realized that I had the baby on my chest, but for the life of me, I don't think that I thought that it was a real human being that I had created and had just pushed out of my body. Jff reports that after about 3 or 4 minutes, I came back to reality and began to talk to the baby and him. It seemed so amazing to me at that point, that after 9 months I was finally meeting my child, that he was right there and that his crying sounded exactly like I thought it would.

Afterwards, when he weighed in at 8 lbs 12 ounces, I knew why my labor had been so hard. When I heard that his APGAR score was a 9 out of 10, I knew why working hard to have a very healthy pregnancy and a drug free labor had been worth it.

Other than that, I cannot explain the pride that I feel around this amazing experience. I recall the events around Benjamin's birth with amazement, nostalgia, and a greater belief in myself and women in general. Although I might try, words cannot explain what those twelve hours of labor or the few days afterwards were really like. I reflect on it often and will always have a special place in my heart for the people that helped me at the hospital as well as for the friends and family who helped us welcome Benjamin to the world. Those first days with him at the hospital were full of unknowns, but also an all encompassing sense of absolute wonder that this baby was mine and that from the first minute I knew him, I loved him more than I have loved anyone.

After all of it, I love that Jff and I did it together, that I had the birth I wanted and didn't know if I could achieve, and that at the end of it emerged the most amazing little person I have ever met. I truly believe that there is a reason why people pass into motherhood somewhat changed and that is because no matter what kind of birth you have, you still do one of the most amazing things humans will ever experience-giving life.

AND... I'm back!

2009-05-13T16:26:00.000-07:00

Sorry for a break in the action, I had a baby while I was gone.

Benjamin was born April 30th at 3:17 a.m. and weighed 8 lbs 12 ounces. He is sweet beyond words and I can't believe that he is ours.

My next post will be about the birth, since I feel compelled to write down the story somewhere, especially after reflecting on it with my doula and Jff yesterday.

That being sad, I am a little at a loss about this blog's continued existance... First, I am not sure I will have time anymore (surprise, surprise) but I am also patently against turning it into a parenting blog where I talk only about my child (those blogs are fine, but not my cup). So pardon the transition period for a while, while I decide if I still have interesting thoughts to share that don't always include Benji.

Thanks for reading.

Hill's Science Diet Recognizes April 27 as National Hairball Awareness Day

2009-04-27T16:58:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am a pet nerd. I get emails from Science Diet monthly because they sometimes contain great coupons. This month's newsletter contained the above headline---one of their best ever.

I just thought I would share it in case you too are one of the millions of Americans suffering from pesky hairballs...I hope you find comfort today and always.

Thoughts, shared.

2009-04-21T20:56:00.000-07:00

Tonight husband and I met a couple that we know for dinner. He is a state legislator who Jff campaigned for in 2004 and she was my Ob/Gyn before I got pregnant (She is not my delivery doctor because I didn't want to deliver at the hospital where she works). It was fun to hang out with them and to do a bit of shop talk interspersed with personal fun. It seems like it would be strange given how we know them, and that they are married, but not one bit. Very fun.

When we got home, there was a call from my yoga instructor on the machine. Calling to see how we were... "and how the baby is." Now this might sound strange, but he has been my yoga instructor for three years- which means that summer or fall or winter or spring I have seen him every Thursday for the last three years. Plus he also teaches other fitness classes that LLC and I would occaisionally make, or husband and I would run into him on our "running days" at the YW. About four weeks ago, I stopped yoga because it was causing groin pain AND things just got a little impossible. I also have been doing any walking I can do outside (mostly) and haven't run into him at the Y. Although he is mistaken about the baby, I couldn't believe how nice it was to notice he hadn't seen us at all lately and to call to see how we were.

In other news, all is getting wrapped up at work. Amazing, never thought it would happen. But if I am there through this Friday all other things that are left will be trivial matters that can be handled by someone else. Hooray! Hooray! Another week would be bonus time for really wrapping EVERY thing up, although I don't know if I want there to be 'another week'. I have very few clothes that still fit, this belly is getting too large to lug around, and man, days at work really wear me out!

Last weekend we hung out with friends and had our first bonfire of the year- it was fabulous. Although I can still smell campfire in my hair every morning when I it wet in the shower, it is a great sign of everything NOT winter. So is the slight garden redesign that was hatched last weekend- I am excited to embark on that adventure sometime this summer. Garden and outside plans are so fun in the spring- it is as though a great new fun adventure is unfolding before you every year as you begin.

Two weekends ago marked the first weekend of clothes drying on the line. It was marvelous to put clothes out and have them dry two hours later. All winter I have dried a lot of maternity clothes just by hanging them to dry in the house. Lack of sun and wind make for slow drying periods and with my lastest lack of clothing, I need them as fast as they are washed!

Many of my students are saying good bye for the summer this week as next week are final exams already! I am closest to the students in the program that I run, and some of them are so cute- friending me on FB so they can see baby pictures and updates, others hoping that I will be there next week so when their parents come pick them up they can introduce them to me... I guess the benefit and joy of working with first-years. If you help them get through the first year of college- helping them create some good memories and personal achievements, they love you at the end. Much easier than teaching high school. Amen to career changes and great jobs.

In more random drivel, the nursery is not done being decorated because I can't figure out what to do with it. You know what? I guess I don't really care.

Today Ben and Jerry's was giving out free ice cream cones (I assume to test out new flavors and get people hooked) so at 2:30 today husband picked me up from work and we went to get free ice cream. Two testers, a good dose of sunny weather, and a half hour later I was returned to work. Yummy- both to the new flavors and seeing husband in the middle of the work day.

Finally, we are working on moving down to the basement for the summer. The coolness, the bathroom on the same floor, and the nice sitting area for middle of the night feedings will be nice. It will also be great to use the space that we worked so hard to finish in an everyday sort of way and not just on weekends.

Nerdy life revealed through landscaping reflections...

2009-04-18T16:36:00.000-07:00

Today we have landscape work happening in our yard thanks to husband and brother-in-law. No amazing garden will result, there are no beautiful stones or bushes being put in, but there are some pretty awesome drainage pipes now in our yard!

All day we had neighbors stopping by to check on the pregnancy and also to find out "what was going on in the yard" and when I would respond that we were putting drainage in, they would say, "Oh, I thought it was going to be something fun" and I wanted to say "OH, it IS fun."

It is fun because we can now prevent the swimming pool of water that collects near our front steps when it rains, because we no longer have to worry about moving drain pipes on the sidewalk, and the best part: we are making sure we will never have any water problems in the basement since we have the water moving out to the street now.

Admittedly to neighbors (and probably most of you) it is not very noteworthy or interesting, however, to me it feels downright exciting! Hmmm, could that possibly be a reflection on my nerdy, nerdy life?

Accumulated Thoughts...

2009-04-18T08:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday as husband and I were walking by the lake, we watched a couple paddle by in their canoe. It was a perfect day for it and I wanted nothing more than to be paddling that boat. It looked so wonderful and the water was so calm, now I feel it like a craving. I want to be out on the water. Maybe we can find someone to babysit for us this summer so we can head out.

Last weekend we picked up sticks, raked the yard, cleared out the gardens and mixed in some compost. It felt great to get that done and to really get ready for growing season on the outside. Darn, I didn't start any seeds this year.

For husband's 30th birthday, his parents and I got him a LCD television. He had spent the last year talking about them, researching them, and basically drooling over them. I was really intimidated to try and purchase a TV for him without his knowledge of them, but thanks to advice from a few friends, a consumer reports password, and some internet research, I managed to find one that he is very happy with. It has a great picture, it is energy star, and best of all was one of the best deals I could find. Although the TV doesn't make me super excited like it does him, I am really excited how excited he is about an electronics item that I purchased ALL BY MYSELF! (Thanks to KS for helping me move the TV box around).

Yesterday we found out that the three month baby streak continues in our neighborhood and amoungst our friends- and so far- all boys. Friends C &J had a baby boy in the end of February, we will give birth sometime in May, our neighbors will have their little boy in August, and now, our other friends who live near by are due in November.... Who is signing up for the January or February slot? The time to act is now.

Last night we had friends C & J over with their 7 week old. When the baby would cry, Nora the cat was totally out of sorts. Crying, running around, not sure where to sit, hiding. I wouldn't have guessed, but it gave us a glimpse of someone who is going to have a hard time with the new addition for a few weeks.

I think there is something special about spring when experienced on a college campus. This week, with its warm weather and sunny evenings has reminded me how great it feels when the weather changes and you are in college. As I walked through the park that is the middle of campus the other evening on my way to my car students were playing frisbee, drinking SODA (I am sure), and studying in the grass, it brought me back to the days of studying on the newly green grass, in my crazy creek, behind Slichter Hall. What a fun time of year- anticipation for summer, the promise of no studying, and lots of fun things going on with friends. The pace at work, as a result, is absolutely frenetic but still kind of fun.

I have to go to the mall this morning for a few things- just a quick trip, but for some reason, I am really excited about it. Strange!

The Yogurt of Legends

2009-04-17T21:48:00.000-07:00

Since our three week vacation to Europe last year, I have been thinking about, tasting for, and shopping for yogurt that fit the bill of the Danes or the French or the Icelandic peoples. The yogurt in Denmark was my favorite: much more runny than ours, much less sugary than ours, a pleasant tartness and a full taste that always made me want more. The French yogurt was less tart, but again smoother and creamier with much less sugar than that of which you can find here in the grocery store. The Icelandic yogurt, very different from either the Danish or the French, is a type of cheese but it was excellent. Custard-style and thick but again a pleasant tartness and a wonderful texture.

Anyways, I have not been able to recreate my yogurt experience since returning to the U.S. I have looked at Ikea, specialty European food stores, Co-ops and high-end grocery stores to no avail. I have played around in my mind with trying to make my own, but have never quite had the confidence or good directions... Today the New York Times changed all that:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/15/dining/15curi.html?em

Now I just need to find someone with a yogurt starter, a really good liquid thermometer, and some patience. Then maybe I can spend more time eating yogurt again instead of dreaming about the good stuff I used to eat once upon a time on my European vacation.

Less than a month to go; big as a house.

2009-04-06T15:29:00.000-07:00

I am now at the point of pregnancy where I am undeniably, uncontrollably noticeable. My belly just sticks way out. People stare, they offer me a seat, they talk to me as if they know me.

The thing is that I am so used to being pregnant that I forget to notice, as evidenced by the following:

I often surprise myself when I walk up to a counter and can't truly be very close to it. I always forget to stop short and first feel my belly hit and then look down in what must look like a bewildered expression of "huh? Oh, how did that get there?". I am also having the problem of opening doors into myself, or more specifically, my belly. I constantly misjudge how much space to leave when I am opening a door towards myself and usually I end up opening the door into my belly.

Even though I am aware that I am pregnant: I am constantly reminded by the soreness, the tiredness, the yanking up and down on clothes that don't fit quite right, or by how out of breath I get doing simple things. I don't often spend much of the day thinking about it. While I am at work talking to different people, visiting different offices, meeting students, I am not focused on myself or what I look like but on what I am doing. The same thing goes for when I am out shopping or doing anything else in public. I am just living my life - one that just happens to include a large stomach appendage at the moment.

Because of this, I am often caught off guard in public. I forget that I am walking around with a major physical 'condition'- kind of like having casts on both arms or a tattoo on my forehead. I completely forget it is there, even when I can feel the baby moving... (Doesn't everyone get kicked from something inside of them every few minutes or so?) When I see people watching me, I have to remember that they are just curious about my belly (the physics are pretty astounding, after all) or are surprised when they notice how much of me there is currently.

However, what I have to get used to most recently, the real shocker, is how willing people are to make comments about my 'condition'. (Wow, I thought I lived in the the tight-lipped land of the North.) But no, just this last weekend I got several: "Any day now, huh?", "Oh, wow, you have a little one in there, but not for long", or the preferred, "When are you due?" from absolute strangers.

At first when this happens, I am really surprised. I find myself looking down at my belly as if I have a "helpful hints" card tapped to the top of my bump that will help me answer related questions, or better yet, as if I have to remember that I am pregnant before I can answer questions.

I wonder if people know that it is kind of embarrassing to stick out this far and it is not necessarily exciting to get random comments as you are walking around. But then I realize it is just people's way of acknowledging that they are looking at me, excited about a baby, or wanting to share in my (apparently absent) joy. I think people say something out of excitement more than anything, no matter how unneeded the comments are. (Plus, I am sure some mothers-to-be like all the attention).

The most wise response to me and my very obvious state at this point are mothers with babies or toddlers in strollers. They most often observe me by not staring at my belly, but looking at my face (they are not fascinated by the physics, they have experienced it) and giving me a small smile and a look that says, "good luck, I remember when I was in your shoes."

So next time you see someone who is as big as a house, you might take a moment to remember, there is no need to acknowledge their state. They are regular people, doing regular things, probably not even thinking about the very obvious thing that they live with 24/7, that is mind-blowing to you.

LIFE: A Journey Through Time

2009-03-30T19:21:00.000-07:00

On Sunday afternoon, friend KS and I went to go see the photo exhibit LIFE: A Journey Through Time on display at the Museum of National History on the University campus. The exhibit, a seven year project of the photographer, Frans Lanting, is absolutely amazing.

I don't know exactly how to adequitely explain it because it is at the cross-roads of science, art, and natural discovery. The press release describes it as "lyrical photos trace Earth's history from the beginnings of primordial life to the ascent of mammals through otherworldly landscapes and breathtakingly intimate portraits of animals and plants." And although the photographs were separated by time period-some just showing depictions of what earth might have been like prior to the ice-age- they were all beautiful and breath-taking.

After walking away from it I realized it was ultimately some of the most captivating nature photography that I have seen in a long time because of its focus on the symbolism as well as the subject. I loved it. I would highly recommend visiting this exhibit- the photographer literally traveled the world- bring back with him the beautiful realities of the world we now live in and how long it has taken life to get here. A day later I can't help but think about some of the images I saw.

Check out the interactive video here: http://www.lifethroughtime.com/experience.html

Saturday: Spring Delivered.

2009-03-24T18:47:00.000-07:00

I forget every year how fun it is when spring begins. There is always a day that sticks outs in my mind each year when, according to me, spring officially begins. This year, I am pretty sure it will be Saturday just because it was such a great day.

First of all, I slept in. Lately with a big belly, with a max of two sleeping positions, a huge internal heater, and an internal alarm clock that gets me up 8 times a night, that is no easy task. It felt great!

Then husband and I were out the door for a walk/run. This consists of him running around the lake, me walking up one side of the lake and us meeting in time to walk home together. It was a gorgeous morning out with people by the zillions out enjoying the walking and biking paths. We stopped to talk to several neighbors and friends around the neighborhood.

When we got home husband began to tackle some small house projects. As he was checking things off at a rapid pace, I was moving some of the last extraneous items out of the nursery. Happy as a clam doing some more "organizing".

At 1, my friend and professional organizer, LLC came over so that we could tackle some ways to better use the closet space in the nursery for toys, bedding, clothes, and the many different items of baby gear. I had measured ahead of time and she came with ideas. We discussed, measured some more, moved a few things and then headed out to do some fun shopping at Storables! (Yippee!)

After about an hour of finding most things on our list and generally having a great time looking at all the containers in the store (and comparing, measuring, and reconsidering) we left with a couple of big bags and lots of excitement about the new closet design. Before we could go home though, we needed to stop at Potbelly for some delicious shakes to sip on. Yummy. The best part? We were walking around with no jackets on, eating ice cream.

Upon returning, we set to work on the closet. I wish I had taken before and after pictures as LLC did, because it looked great. We had gotten several different kind of organizers and brought more clarity to how I was going to store items, use the closet, and be able to keep it flexible all at the same time. When we were finished-it looked great!

Next I headed outside to help husband clean my car. He had washed the outside, but the inside was the worst part. So I got to enjoy the weather while getting my car ready for spring: rinsing the salt out of the floor mats and getting all the sand off the floor. As I was doing that KK from down the block stopped over and talked to me while I cleaned. Then we went inside and I got to give her a tour of the nursery. Fun! She admired the closet and the bright green walls I had picked out.

After the car, husband and I cooked dinner together and then packed it up to bring over to our friends who recently had a baby. We ate with them, took turns holding their tiny little boy (who is soooo cute) and hung out and talked to them for the rest of the evening. It was great, I was even given a private demonstration of how the breast pump works when on a live human (which I swear I will return the favor to another girlfriend who is pregnant while I am still nursing. Invaluable.) We had a great evening talking baby and watching some of the basketball tournament.

We drove home through a newly awakened city. The breeze was still warm and it felt great to not rush home in order not to freeze. All the dirty snow banks were long gone and it was so great to know that the next day I would wake up to more sun and just a little bit closer to summer.

Irony

2009-03-24T18:04:00.000-07:00

The other day as I was walking to the mailbox nearby, I saw a big truck and happened to notice a sticker in the window that said "YES, this is my truck. NO, I won't help you move." I thought this was funny until I realized that in the bed of the truck were several pieces of furniture... that looked like they were being moved.

Sad.

Buddy, INDEED, you lost.

A much needed adjustment

2009-03-21T21:30:00.000-07:00

For much of my life I have been skeptical of chiropractors. Although I never knew exactly what they did, I knew it involved cracking things and that made me nervous... Someone needing "adjusting" just seemed like it was more mental that physical.

After months of severe groin pain due to pregnancy, a lot of recommendations that I see a chiropractor, and the realization that the baby might not be in the right position for birth (because of how out of wack my muscles/bones are) I finally made an appointment.

On Friday as I was sitting in the Chiropractor's office and she was asking me things like: "Does it hurt when you put on pants?", "Does it hurt to get in an out of bed?", "Does it hurt to walk up stairs?", and "Does it hurt to stand up from a sitting position?" and I answered "yes" to all of them, I realized that I probably should have made an appointment sooner. I have been enduring constant and high levels of pain for way too long with out doing something about it.

So after lots of questions and an examination, the doctor started moving me around. She cracked my back, she used the table to jolt my lower back, and she pushed really hard on my pelvic bones from the front. This took all of about five minutes and upon standing up and walking out of the clinic, my pain was gone. I am not exaggerating, it was completely gone.

I got out of the car at my next stop, the post office, and actually ran across the street! I felt amazing. I felt like maybe I could have continued to jog after six months if I had not had all this pain. Life felt really good again. It is amazing how much energy you can use up dealing with pain that you don't even realize you are thinking about.

So now I am on a strict regimen of icing, heating, and icing along with some more visits to the chiropractor. Her diagnosis was a "pretty twisted pelvis" which is also why the baby has been in the wrong position up until now and why I have had so much muscle pain. I am really hoping to correct both. I will let you know, but for now, still feeling pretty good and ready for some more jolting and pushing to take place on Monday!

Special Edition: Pregnancy Books

2009-03-13T09:47:00.000-07:00

Although I am a bit short on friends with experience as mothers, between the library and my few friends who are mothers, I have gotten great suggestions on books to read on motherhood. I have had a blast, learning through the following books. And although I would normally wait until after baby was born to send out these reading suggestions (to REALLY know what I was talking about), I am pretty sure that I won't have as much time or energy to write blog posts after the baby is here. So, here is my top five list of pregnancy/mom books, please note that What to Expect When Expecting is not here- it is not a personal recommendation.

Maybe Baby: 28 Writers Tell the Truth About Skepticism, Infertility, Baby Lust, Childlessness, Ambivalence, and How They Made the Biggest Decision of Their Lives Edited by Lori Leibovich
* a great read while contemplating kids

The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy:Or Everything Your Doctor Won't Tell You by Vicki Iovine *recommended and given to me by my pal AT, funny, down to earth, written by a woman who had four kids right in a row.

Secrets of the Baby Whisperer: How to Calm, Connect, and Communicate with Your Baby by Tracy Hogg *given to me by neighbor KK, husband really liked this one, very practical.

The Milk Memos: How Real Moms Learned to Mix Business with Babies by Cate Colburn-Smith and Andrea Serrette
*the book is very illuminating, helpful, and poignant. I loved it, found at the library.
*self-described as IBM professionals, wives, friends, dreamers, and most of all, mothers. Some days they hold it all together, and some days they feel like mice on unicycles, juggling torches. They’re delighted to share what they’ve learned about mixing business with babies, and not losing your mind (or your job) in the process. There is also a blog and chat rooms now because of the book.

Spilled Milk: Breastfeeding Adventures and Advice from Less-than-Perfect Moms by Andy Steiner *borrowed to me by another mom in our child-birth class, a great read on how not to take yourself too seriously while trying to learn what most describe as "challenging".

There are certainly many other books that are good ones, but these were just a couple of my favorites. An honorable mention should go to the book given to us by LLC and SK called The Baby Name Wizard: A Magical Method for Finding the Perfect Name for Your Baby by Laura Wattenberg
*a great book to browse because of the information it gives you about potential names.

Enjoy!

The task of the cup

2009-03-10T18:11:00.000-07:00

This might qualify as TMI for some of you, so only if you want, read on...

One of the most awkward things during pregnancy is that almost everytime you go to the clinic for a pre-natal exam, the nurse sends you into the bathroom with a small cup. You job is clearly to produce a urine sample.

However, the terrible irony is that once you start giving regular samples is about the time you can no longer see past your belly. A horrible, horrible coincidence.

Winter in Venice- Family Style

2009-03-10T18:04:00.000-07:00

Recently, I read a great article/blog post in the New York Times that made me feel like my traveling life is not over once baby becomes a part of our lives: http://frugaltraveler.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/02/27/frugal-venice-family-style/#more-125

Not only does the article do a good job of describing traveling in Venice with a baby, but it also does a great job of talking about visiting Venice in the off-season. Inspiring and an interesting read if you like to travel and are contemplating Italy.

The Dry Run

2009-03-09T19:35:00.000-07:00

If someone where going to tape one day to catch me being really stupid, they should have picked last Wednesday.

I had a meeting in the neighborhood and as usual I was running a bit behind. There I am walking down 20th Avenue (in high heels I might add), not thinking about anything except what a nice day it was outside and how I needed to get to this meeting. As I approached the corner, I could see a puddle the size of a small pond. And then I spotted a cut through area of the snow bank. I headed right to it. It was clearly well used. With no hesitancy, I took my first step, and then my second on the downsloping side of the snow bank. At that point- faster than I can clearly think through- I did the slipped-on-a-banana-peel-feet-go-flying-out-from-underneath-you-thing. I landed flat on my back and hit my head.

A second later I was scrambling to my feet, brushing off, still intent on making the meeting, although now angry at myself that I had failed to factor in the extra 20 pounds I am still working on balancing. I had a blazing head-ache and was just slightly worried about the baby.

By the time I got to the meeting, I had reassured myself that falling on my back had done nothing to the baby and my head was feeling better. I went directly to the counter of the coffee shop and ordered an Au Lait as a way to wake myself up a bit. Oops, forgot to say decaf...

An hour later, back in my office my boss advises skipping the trip to the gym and instead calling the midwives. Although I thought it was just a precaution, I followed directions. I thought the conversation with the nurse on the nurseline was going really well (she was unconcerned) until I told her I was 32 weeks along. At that point, I was rapidly told that one of my midwives would be calling me soon and to stay put.

The midwife on call did call right back and had one thing to say: come to the hospital. After getting off the phone, I was nearly in tears telling husband I didn't want to waste my time at the hospital, that it was going to ruin our evening plans, and that I was fine. But we packed up regardless.

It was great- it was just as though I was in labor- in through the E.R. up to the Birthing Center, into a maternal assessment room to be hooked up to monitors- one to track my uterus and one to track the baby. A gown 10 sizes too big put on me and into the hospital bed. I was told to hydrate (good thing I had that coffee few hours earlier).

I was thinking this was all a bunch of hooey until the nurse sobered me by telling us that I was indeed having contractions. (I was? I couldn't feel them!) She assured me that it was probably due to the trauma of the fall, but that they needed to "keep an eye on things for a while longer". The point at which the contractions (still almost imperceptible to me) were coming about two minutes apart is when the midwife had the "pre-term labor" discussion with us. What if it didn't stop? What if the baby was born?

For the first time all day I was freaked out. The only good news was that my cervix was "non-threatening"- not dialated, not soft, not ready to have a baby essentially. However, we were saved a seat- a.k.a. bed- in the hospital for the night for "monitoring". Fun!

Hooray, what a wonderful night sleep! The nurses only came in to wake me once an hour, the monitors were only slightly uncomfortable, and the plastic bed only made me sweaty most of the night. Husband was also immensely enjoying his plastic pull-out chair/bed. The only good news is that over night the contractions stopped almost completely and they thought the baby "looked good- good reactivity".

So the next morning we were released, breathing a deep sigh of relief as we considered it a good "dry run" and nothing more. I was thankful as a I headed home for a day of rest that my previous day's stupidity had not had anymore of an effect other than to remind me that pregnancy with all of its aches and pains, inconveniences and rules, is still way better than an emergency birth and a premature baby.

Weekend in Arizona

2009-03-08T20:22:00.000-07:00

Who knew that I could like a state with so little water, so much?

If I ever had the tough decision about where to have a second home, it might be in Arizona. We had a great time visiting for a long weekend.

Although we got in to Pheonix a little later than planned, our trip started on a fun note when the car rental company upgraded us (with a little coaxing) to a Prius. Fun to drive!

The next morning we woke up to green grass, beautiful sun, and a balmy 70 degrees. After breakfast at the hotel, we took off going North. We stopped only for a cord so that we could plug our iPods into the auxiliary jack. Off we went with great tunes playing, the car getting over 44 miles to the gallon, and the sun shining.

We stopped on our way up north to see "Montezuma's Castle", which is actually the site of an ancient Native American settlement built into the side of a sandstone cliff. We had a great time walking around under the sycamore trees and near the river.

After a stop in Flagstaff's historic downtown for lunch, we headed north to the Grand Canyon. Through a combination of walking and driving, we saw a good portion of the south rim, leaving just after sunset. We drove back down to the small town of Oak Creek Canyon (just outside of Sedona) where we stayed at a bed and breakfast type condo development called Los Posados (Hooray for the Suggestion from LLC!) It was a beautiful one bedroom with fire place, huge soaking tub, and a fountain in the courtyard that looked out on the red rock buttes just north of town. The next morning we enjoyed a three course meal prepared for us by a chef before heading off for the day's adventures.

We drove just a mile then to a hiking area on the edge of town. After examining the map, we set off on what seemed was going to be an easy hike around a couple of buttes. Because of pregnant status, we were much more conservative about what we took on, and still that was hard. In the end, we forgot our sunscreen, we might have missed a turn, and we ran out of water towards the end of the approximately six mile hike. Although I ended up barely being able to get into the car after that because I was so sore, it really was worth it to see the desert up close and to spend part of the day enjoying the natural wonders in about 70 degree weather. It was beautiful! Unfortunately, the sun burn was still to come.

We headed into Sedona for a late lunch, some window shopping, and a look around town. We ate at a bread company that had great bread, an amazing view of the red rocks, and only so-so sandwiches, but it was nice to sit outside and enjoy the shade. That evening we drove up through the Oak Creek Canyon (which reminded us both quite a bit of Oregon) it was beautifully green with lots of water running down from the mountains. The drive was a great look at the whole region between Sedona and Flagstaff.

The only draw back of a leisurely drive around sunset was that we arrived in Phoenix from up north a little late. That night we stayed at a golf resort that husband had booked on priceline and as we arrived and could feel the heat of the day disipating, I felt a little tinge disappointment that we were leaving the next day. I hadn't gotten enough of the beautiful warm weather! It was made worse by the fact that we had gotten a pool-side room and that it was slightly too cold once the sun went down to swim in the pool. But eventually that feeling was overcome by the desire to eat something.

We went out for a nice dinner and came back to the hotel ready for an early bed-time. The next morning I was excited to get up and make the most of our last Arizona day. Jff went out to get bagles for breakfast while I packed us up. Originally, our plan was to stay at the resort for part of the day to swim and enjoy the pool, but Sunday dawned with not as much sun and was a little slow to warm up. So instead of the pool, we headed out to husband's favorite Phoenix attraction: Talieson West one of the former homes of designer and architect, Frank Lloyd Wright. We spent two hours on a fascinating tour of his home with many stories about his life and design theories. Although pretty spendy, one of the best tours of a historical spot I have been on.

In the afternoon (after some fun with the GPS) we spent our last few hours in town at the Phoenix Desert Botanical Garden (which happily is very close to the airport). To our great delight, we found out that there was currently a Chihuly glass display at the Gardens. To make it even better, the blown glass pieces (titled The Nature of Glass) were interspersed with various type of cacti. It was truly beautiful and was really fun to see. It was a great way to spend our last few hours.

The only unfortunate thing about how fun the gardens were was that we got the airport a little late... The end of our trip was all aflutter in returning the rental car, taking the shuttle to the terminal, and in husband almost not getting a seat on our over-booked flight. In the end, we made it home safely and only cried a little bit about the snow that had fallen while we were gone. Nothing like coming home to a Minnesota hug of about fifteen degrees!

Marching forth, belly held high

2009-02-25T19:51:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it is lonely to make a leap.

A post on our terrific vacation is forth-coming, we had a great time. While we were traveling, though, there were clear reminders that things had shifted and might never be quite the same. We are both used to having very adventuresome trips where we are spontaneous and very active. I was reminded by swollen hands and ankles that even a light hiking trail for six miles was too much for me. There were stops for extra Tylenol, bathrooms, and more water throughout our trip. There were literally mountains to climb that were foregone for now.

Husband and I have taken many of the changes of pregnancy in stride, yet it is a big transition. Changes... something I am getting better at, but still need a fair amount of time to fully accept.

As we drove from the Grand Canyon back down to Sedona Jff and I spend a lot of time talking about changing parts of our lives. What we may still do with kids, somethings that may be put on hold for a while, what we still need to do to be ready for baby, and even the friends who will likely disappear after we have a third wheel. We are planning for the costs of day care, while most other people we spend time with are planning big purchases and vacations.

It can feel difficult to make decisions that you know are right for you individually, but that hardly anyone else is considering. It can be lonely and isolating to be in "special circumstances" for nine months, and then really different once you have a third member of your family.

I miss playing sports with my friends. I get tired of the choice to either stay home and miss seeing friends or to go with and watch husband and everyone else participate, while I feel pretty stupid just standing there. Tonight at the gym, another reminder: I had terrible stomach cramps after walking for 20 minutes and doing the eliptical for 10 minutes- I barely worked up a sweat. While there, I get to watch 90% percent of people kind of gawk at me while I walked past. Yes, I have a big belly, thanks for staring. I am going out with some friends this weekend, but several times have thought about cancelling because it feels awkward to be so big and different looking. I keep imagining people saying to themselves, "boy, she shouldn't be out, but rather home in bed." Husband and I just went through the horrible ordeal of not being able to find daycare- it took us almost two months, at least 15 disappointing interviews, and a spreadsheet with over 50 names and phone numbers on it. It was hard- there was almost no one who I could talk to about it.

I hesitate to even post this when I am done writing it. I have been incredibly happy to be pregnant and for most of it, at peace with all the changes taking place. I have been lucky to have a friend who up until yesterday was pregnant with me, I have a few friends who are already moms who have been great examples for me, I have friends planning a baby shower for me, and most of all an incredibly wonderful husband who is right there with me most of the time.

However, it can feel at times tough to take all the changes in stride and to have few people realize what is happening on the inside for me. When people say things that are well meaning, but extremely clueless, I have been good about just biting my tongue and knowing that some day they too will understand. It can be lonely to be one of the first to take the jump because you envy those behind you who will inevitably have your advice when they jump, but whose advice or comraderie you don't have now.

I guess it is one of those things where you only know by doing, and most people I know haven't been doing any doing.

So for now, I will continue to be thankful for the resources and friends I do have, and I will continue to march forth to May 2nd, belly held high, thankful that this transition time will soon be over and that some day I will just feel like a normal person again.

Tripping

2009-02-19T08:29:00.000-08:00

Today, Jff and I are heading out of town. We are heading to Arizona for a long weekend to escape part of February in Minnesota. Although it will only be three days, we will have a chance to get out of town, escape thinking about daycare, doing house projects, and looking at mud-brown snow piles on the side of the road. I am really looking forward to it.

It is officially the last time (for a while) that we will travel with only 1 suitcase shared between the two of us, with only a few simple things to do on the plane, and no one on our laps. It is the last time that we will leave our house in the morning with our stuff so we can hop on a plane directly from work. It is the last time we will leave the house for a trip with out diapers for a very long time. Amazing, really.

Last night as I was hoping that this trip would stack up against some of our best (and most recent trips), I made a top five trips in my mind:

5. a tie: Jamaica, summer 2006 and Washington D.C., spring 2007
4. San Francisco, spring 2006
3. Hawaii-Oahu and Kawaii, fall 2006
2. Oregon Coast, spring 2008
1. Europe, spring 2008

This was a harder task than I could have imagined because really, every trip has wonderful things about it that are unique and interesting. For instance, Jamaica was sunny, warm and beautiful and DocMI got married there, but our trip out to D.C. was one of great exploration and fun between husband and I. In the end, I guess each trip needs to be judged separately.

So here is to another great trip--as we look forward to the East Coast in July and Atlanta in October- these adventures with a third partner!

My Favorite Ikea Product: Good For You

2009-02-17T19:59:00.000-08:00

My favorite Ikea product by far: Good for You muesli.

After our time in Denmark this spring, I returned desparate to find the runny, low sugar, delicious yogurt and the very good muesli that we ate for breakfast every morning.

Of course, we found the muesli at Ikea (visiting there now consistently makes me extremely nostalgic for the time of our lives had in Denmark).

Although we still have not found the yogurt, I eat the muesli almost daily.

A tip if you are going to try it: go with the orange bag of Good for You. The banana chips, bits of dried orange, and slices of almonds are the best-- the green bag: papayas, apples, and raisins is still good if you need a change, but is not nearly as good.

A Loverly Valentines Day

2009-02-17T19:47:00.000-08:00

Husband and I don't really observe Valentine's Day in the traditional sense. It is not a day of romance, of pink or red cards exchanged, or of love letters for us. I don't exactly know why, but since the very beginning of our relationship we have never really done anything special for V-Day.

I think one year JFF got me a massage and one year I think I painted him a picture, but otherwise there just hasn't been energy put towards it. I think we celebrate each other and a pretty fantastic relationship all year round, so to do it on one day in February seems just a bit contrived.

Regardless though, we did take time to really relax on Saturday after a couple of pretty busy weeks. In the morning we had separate things happening, I got some good time by myself at the mall and got two new pairs of shoes out of the deal.

For lunch we headed to the French Meadow Bakery in uptown and had a fantastic, slow lunch. Afterwards we headed over for our yearly visit to the Conservatory where it felt like Florida with lots of beautiful, lush plants and nice flowers. It was a perfect sunny day to be strolling through the glassed in green houses.

Afterwards we made a quick stop for some dinner supplies, I took a very long and leisurely nap, we and then made really good lasagne for dinner. Snuggling and watching a good movie- a quiet evening in by ourselves was the order of the evening.

Overall, it felt like such a wonderful, relaxing day. So although there were no red roses, chocolates, or money dished out to the greeting card industry, it was a great day to be thankful for each other.

No Joiners Fee in January

2009-02-11T14:44:00.000-08:00

This time of year at the YWCA always makes me weary. All the news years resolutions clog up the track, the elipticals, and the darn parking lot.

I mean I understand why... The weather is crappy, the winter seems interminable, and winter coziness can lead to "figure" challenges by this point in the season. However, what I don't understand is the shockingly horrible behavior people exhibit while trying to navigate the over-crowding. Here are some of my favorites, observed recently:

People drive around the parking lot as though they are fleeing from death, often nearly killing others in the process. Drivers will spend up to about 10 or 15 minutes in the parking lot circling around just to find a parking spot, instead of going across the street and walking less than 2 blocks to get to the front door. I mean, why walk when you are going somewhere to exercise, right?

Even though there is a 30 minute limit for all of the 'machines', people will sign up for three or four 15 minute slots in order to make sure that they can use exactly the time-slot that they want. Therefore elipticals end up sitting empty for part of the time with people like me (who can no longer get cardio-exercise by running or bouncing) gazing longingly at them since we didn't get to the Y three hours ago to sign up for them.

People fail to notice (or maybe care) that when they check in and then have eight other things they want the desk attendant to look up, they hold up a huge line so that people are waiting actual minutes in order to check in by swiping their cards.

Finally, when using a locker, the bench between the lockers, or navigating personal space, some Y members seem to have forgotten simple rules of politeness and modesty. People blatantly leave their crap all over the floor while getting dressed, requiring an increasingly large pregnant woman to straddle the bench or hop over in order to get a locker or to leave. They will often point their butt right at you and then do a full bend down. If you do not avert your eyes quickly enough, you are left in fear of... well, anyways.

I know that soon the winter rush will be over and that the insanity that has gripped people will have lessened. But for now, I often have to take a deep breath before entering the vicinity of a place I normally really like to go, ready for just another reminder that the sign that indicates "No Joiners Fee in January" is really my worst nightmare.

All the News that's Fit to Print

2009-02-10T11:15:00.000-08:00

I am having a classic dilemma: convenience vs. economy.

I am currently debating about our subscription to the New York Times. Monday through Friday we get the paper delivered to our door. I prefer it to the metro paper, which has slid into very little of substance and certainly now has very little coverage of national and global news. I like reading the front page while I eat my cereal in the morning, I prefer the interesting stories in the nyt, and to be honest, I just like getting a paper every day. I prefer the real thing to the website, and feel like I take more time to read it at some point during the day if it is actually sitting in front of me rather than summoning me from cyberspace.

On the other hand, the paper used to arrive at 6:45 am, but lately it is not even in our door by 7 am. That means that it often misses my breakfast window and I end up reading online. Often times I will arrive home late, after a full day, and just have to toss the paper in the recycling bin after no one has looked at it (husband is an avid online reader who only sometimes takes time for the print version). Before I notice it, we will have several days built up on our coffee table during a busy stretch. The waste of both resources and money drives me a little crazy.

In a time where I feel as though I should be more responsible with all of our resources, I wonder if we shouldn't just cancel our subscription...But then I think that we would become just another example of how people are pulling back and making the economy worse, not because we have to, but because we feel like we should. Plus then we would be just like millions of Americans who put less an less energy into really understand what is going on in the world. I don't know what the right answer is- should I stay or should I go?

Bits and Pieces: What I am up to

2009-02-09T11:43:00.001-08:00

Although the Oral History Project has ended, I have still been busy... When people ask what I have been doing, I don't know what to say, but what comes to mind is "preparing for baby" and in my mind this takes many forms. So this is what I have been up to:

Searching for Day Care: i.e. calling a million people who don't call you back, finding lots of people who just filled their "infant opening", interviewing people who have gross carpet or seem sketchy in some other way, constantly thinking about all the possibilities in your mind that you need to take into account: your gut reaction, location, hours, price, number of kids, professional development, half-time vs. part-time, commute time, and then stressing about it all the time.

Preparing Nursery: Note: this has not gone very far, but alas Mom is coming next week to paint the nursery. She is also offering to buy linens from Pottery Barn Kids to match- fun! So far we have sanded, taped, cleaned out, and then put more junk in. The crib is just waiting to be set up, along with some other pieces.

Organizing: Finding space in our basement that will remain "open" for baby gear "yet to be used" and "already used". It feels good to be clearing out old picture frames, maximizing space in the laundry room, and building shelves in husband's work bench/ tool storage area. I like the feeling of purging, especially with a goal in mind. Already disposed of: small bookshelf given away for free, old end table given away for free, thousands of teaching files thrown out, and a few things listed on Craigslist. We also used the last big package of insulation that we had been storing.

Nesting: finalizing all home projects- finishing up the basement, repainting the living room (there's a good story), and other small things that we will never do once we have an added "friend" in our lives.

Bradley Birthing Class: Every Sunday night from 4-6:30 pm. Husband and I complain about this, but it is nice to have a certain amount of time dedicated to learning about nutrition, breastfeeding, the different stages of labor, how to have a natural child-birth if you want one, and many other fascinating things. I realize that the doula who runs our class is the compilation of about 35 books I don't have time to read on giving birth, babies, pregnancy, etc. So even though it is a big time commitment, it is worth it.

Homework for Bradley Birthing Class: this can range from attending a La Leche meeting, reading information, doing exercises, practicing relaxation, or preparing nutritious snacks for the class. Husband and I are marginally successful at getting all of it done.

Sewing Lessons: Friend LEH and I are making a quilt together for BBF. Although my mother in law quilts like a pro, and I have always wanted to learn, I never have taken the time. I learned how to sew a long time ago, but have never really worked at it, nor do I own a sewing machine. So, it is fun to be guided through making a quilt by a good sewer and perfectionist, especially when it is for the baby. I have discovered I especially like picking out fabrics and patterns. Least favorite part is making sure everything is straight.

Seeing Friends: trying to make the most of opportunities to be out and about, knowing that baby will make it a little more difficult to head to the bar with friends, see live music, or be spontaneous. The most commonly thing heard from new parents is: enjoy sleeping, but also get out- eat out, go to movies, and get out on the town while you still can.

Reflections on cliff jumping and pregnancy

2009-02-05T18:59:00.000-08:00

Long before I got pregnant I puzzled over the question of when it would feel like the right time. I was perplexed and yet comforted by the cliche that people would offer: "there will never be a perfect time, you just have to go for it." The subject always caused me to lament the loss of things like single time with husband, time to play sports and work out, and of course fit into all my clothes, not to mention time with all of my childless girlfriends.

Yet, as time moved on, I just had this slowly growing desire to be a mom, to have kids. At first it felt crazy to be so conflicted between two things I wanted: family and the maintenance of a carefree, self-centered life. But eventually, I had thought about "jumping off the cliff" so many times, and husband and I had talked about it so much, that I was just ready to do it (no pun intended) and stop thinking about it.

And you know what? I think I discovered one of the great paradoxes of pregnancy: that you are far more nervous thinking about it before hand, than just simply being pregnant. Once we took the leap, and discovered that I was, in fact, pregnant, I was no longer nervous. It was no longer a series of questions of 'if', 'when', and 'how', it just was...I think it is ultimately the shift from questioning to acceptance. And I don't mean that in a settling, "well, I might as well deal with it" way, I mean acceptance in the most simple and wonderful way of just letting go.

Early on I still worried about becoming out of shape, of not having time to see friends, and about missing out on many of the things that husband and I have enjoyed, but not as much. It became an awareness of changes and not just a bunch of empty 'what if' worries that nothing could be done about.

As my pregnancy has progressed, so has my delight in having a baby. I have realized how excited I am to be creating a human that is part me and part husband inside my own body. I have marveled at the fact that my body, without any external programming is building blood and bones, and eyeballs, and tiny little finger nails. I have been shocked and stunned by the fact that I have a living being inside of me this minute doing flips and kicking his legs to the point that my stomach changes shape. I can't wait to smell my baby, to hold him while he is sleeping, to stroke his soft skin. It seems that now that I have let my mind believe in those possibilities, they have in turn shaped new and exciting thoughts and realizations for me.

Again, tonight, I began to wonder if pregnancy actually changes your brain chemistry. Many of the things that I worried about even five months ago now seem a distant memory. I don't worry about not fitting into clothes, or not playing as much ultimate frisbee to nearly the same extent. Granted, not all things have changed: I am still glad that I will be a working mother, I still will want to spend time with girlfriends and have my own time with husband. I will miss not traveling or being less spontaneous, but I think the bigger thing is letting new excitements fill in so that you are not 'missing out' so much as you are doing different things for a while.

Recently a friend wrote to me with the following to say about kids: "I'm sure you've heard this lots but you are in for the best experience of your life! Motherhood is sometimes tough and almost always exhausting. It's expensive and time-consuming...and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world! It's also powerful, meaningful, and fulfilling beyond words."

Now as I look ahead, amazed as the changes that have taken place within me in such a short span of time, I can help but wonder what will be next. How will I feel when the baby is born? What will life look like to me a year from now? How will I think about all my worries and struggles about being pregnant? Hopefully, it will to be giggle at myself a bit and to say that same thing to other friends that my friend just said to me, and of course offer up the pregnancy cliche anytime I can.

My Next Phase Will Be...

2009-01-27T14:22:00.000-08:00

I sometimes operate under the silly assumption that there are periods or maybe 'phases' that I progress through in life. One at a time. Simple. Easy.

For instance, when thinking about last year where I worked not as a teacher and not yet in my current profession, I originally thought to myself, "this will be my transition phase- in grad school and working a easy part-time job." What I often forget is that things don't turn out as simple, clear cut, or as one dimensional as I initially think that they are.

I think that is what happened this fall:

I originally must have thought something like the following, "once I graduate, it will be an optimal time to just begin looking and applying for new jobs- it will be my developing my new career phase."

Great.

But I must have forgotten about that previous thought and also thought, "now that I am graduating, I will have plenty of time in the evenings without any homework- I will have a bit of a break and lots of time to do things that I have always wanted."

Sounds good!

But that one also must have slipped my mind... because I also recall thinking, "Husband and I finally have some time and space to start a family- this fall, winter, and spring can be my pregnancy phase- lots of time to read, finish up house projects, and prepare for baby."

Yep!

But somehow that really important 'phase' also got lost in the shuffle, because somehow this fall also became the 'having two jobs/completing the Oral History Project phase' and the 'implementing my thesis research for real in the neighborhood phase'. Hmmm...

I don't even have a sentence that can sum all that up into one phase with which to label my fall and winter. It became the 'new baby, new career, oral history project, new neighborhood initiative, and where did all my time go? phase'

So last night, finally, after walking between my two institutions, daily, in every kind of weather, at every time of day, for every kind of meeting, with my increasingly large belly, with an enormous amount of work over the last three months, I finally put one of the phases to bed: we launched the Oral History Project. None of the complements, accolades, or thoughtful comments mattered as much to me as moving on from a 'phase' that may have gotten a little too involved...

This morning I woke up ready to begin another new phase that really won't take any work and that is what I will call and lovingly think of as my 'one-job phase'.

That is... until May when another 'phase' comes along.

Oh Happy Day!

2009-01-20T10:09:00.000-08:00

Just back from watching the inauguration at a local cafe with lots of people from the neighborhoods surrounding campus. Husband and co-workers were also there. It was a great time. I can't count the number of times I ended up with tears in my eyes. The day all of a sudden feels brighter, the future seems lighter now that I know our 44th President is in office.

As friend CS said to Jff last night, what a relief to be finished with Bush before bringing a child into this world. This last weekend, husband and I talked a lot about what it will be like for our child to see an African-American President in office and to possibly only know that for the first eight (fingers crossed) of life. The way it should be.

Kind of like Ronald Reagan was to me while I was growing up, only much, much, much better. Oh Happy Day!

The MLK Day of Service

2009-01-19T18:10:00.000-08:00

What did you do for Martin Luther King Day today?

For years, I always had teacher inservice days. No students to really celebrate with in a meaningful way, but instead, just really horrible meetings on culturally-sensitive topic that were a far cry from inspiring or thought-provoking.

Last year, I had MLK Day off. It was just a three day weekend, nice, but probably filled with things that were not necessarily thought-provoking nor inspiring, just comfortable.

Today, I had to work. When I drove in alone and left husband warm in bed, it definitely felt like a bummer. But then the day started. Ten students who I work with showed up at 9:30 for a planned trip to a homeless shelter downtown for a day of service. We took the bus to the shelter, the volunteer director talked to the students about homelessness and the cycles of poverty that surround uncertain living conditions, and then we cleaned the shelter from top to bottom, including the sleeping mats. Before we left students were asking how they could become over-night volunteers or have a more consistent role with the center. On the way back in the bus, we had a thought-provoking and interesting conversation.

We returned to campus on the bus in time to eat lunch and then attend the MLK Day convocation in the chapel. After beautiful musical performances we listened to Hollis Watkins, a fellow civil rights activist (and member of SNCC) with Dr. King during the mid-sixties. He was excellent and definitely inspiring.

In the end, it was a good day... Appropriately celebrated.

Friends who are just an internet away...

2009-01-08T19:16:00.000-08:00

I feel like I probably revisit this theme a little more than necessary on this blog, but I can't help it.

I often wish that some of my friends from college lived around here. It would be fun to see them, to have more of a everyday social connection with them like husband has with some of his college friends. But then again, I am reminded by how wonderful it is when they pop into my life, often via email. It is then that I realize that no matter how long it is between the time we communicate, how far apart we live, or how much we DON'T see each other that an important connection remains.

I got this email the other day out of the blue from a friend I don't communicate with regularly:

Hi Kristin,

Realizing I no longer had ice skates made me think of you last night, so I visited your blog today at lunchtime.

You are a really good writer. Your stuff has great honesty; it doesn't seem to be hampered by thoughts of "what can I write that will make me look like a good writer?". When --- got back from her six-week meditation retreat last year, she said she spent much of the time realizing how much we depend on external validation. I think that good writers have slayed that dragon.

The email went on to talk about thoughts about writing a specific type of book that was similar to one of my posts (I would explain it here, but I think it is such a good idea that I would hate to be responsible for ruining my friend's chances of doing it first).

I wrote back:

Congratulations on your purchase of a house! How exciting for you guys. There is something strangely spectacular about owning your own house that you never discover until you are there. Maybe it it is the freedom, or the rooting aspect of it, I don't know exactly. But this January will be my five year anniversary of buying this house and the longer I stay, the longer I love the fact that I can walk around with out any lights on in the middle of the night because I know it by heart. I love the history that has happened in this house. I love that we will have our first child in this house. I hope you also get all those special feelings about your new place, especially because they help with all the not so lovable things about being a homeowner (like dishwashers).

I like that I have friends where we can talk about the important things in life- about dreams or goals, about big life changes, about tough times as well as good times. I like that we do more than exchange Christmas cards and the surface sentiments that are often included in those cards. I like that I have friends like that- even if some of them are states, phones, and the internet away.

The Dishwasher Debacle

2009-01-04T08:38:00.000-08:00

In September husband and I did a lot of research, a lot of looking around, and then bought a new dishwasher.

We had always had a dishwasher in this house, but it had never worked well. Our plates were too large, it didn't really clean the dishes, and man was it loud. We had always said that when we were about to have our first child that we would switch to a real dishwasher (John's talents at the sink vs. a mechanized dishwasher). So we began looking at dishwashers while I was secretly pregnant, early on.

We ended up buying a Bosch for a couple of reasons: 1) it was highly-efficient with a stainless steel interior 2) it was one of the only dishwashers that was compact enough to fit under our kitchen counter completely 3) it was very quiet and 4) it was a really good quality item that was nowhere near the bottom of the line.

In October it was delievered. By the end of October husband was complaining about having to re-wash many of the dishes by hand. At first, I thought it was something we were doing wrong: were we not rinsing the dishes enough, husband thought they might be stacked in there too tightly.

In November, the installation guy came back to the house to have a look. His verdict: make sure the water is warm and use less soap... This sounded a little suspect to me, but I was willing to try it. I thought we were possibly not treating our Scandanavian brand appropriately... still only partially clean dishes after all that.

In December, we were at a holiday party where someone had a Bosch dishwasher. The message was: "we love it, we can do anything with it (soap, water temp, etc) and IT STILL CLEANS THE DISHES!" We returned to the drawing board and called the appliance store, meanwhile John was still doing dishes by hand.

This time they vowed to send out their own technician. He came (at least an hour late) and told us that the control panel in our almost-new dishwasher needed to be replaced. It wasn't the water or the soap- it was a malfunction of the machine.

I quietly told the repair guy and subsequently the customer service representative that I would not like a repair for my brand new dishwasher, but instead would just like a brand new dishwasher. The word LEMON just kept streaming through my mind. All I could think about was that any other time that you purchase something that is broken from the beginning, you return it and get a new one. Just because this purchase is larger than most, and needs to be installed is no reason for us to keep it and get it repaired instead of a getting it replaced. Because what happens in a year when the warranty has expired and eight other things are going wrong? I knew that my demands for a new washer were somewhat wasteful, yet I just wanted something that worked reliably.

So on Friday our new dishwasher was installed. On Saturday, it was the six month mark of my pregnancy and on Saturday we had our first batch of gloriously clean dishes hot out of the dishwasher to put away. Amen, we are ready for the kid.

Southwestern Corn Chowder: A simple soup for all seasons

2009-01-02T07:24:00.000-08:00

Last night we had friends over for our usual dinner and movie. I was not immediately inspired to make anything, so I pulled out my favorite cookbook, Simply in Season: Recipes that celebrate fresh, local foods in the spirit of More-with-Less. I knew that we had a bit of left-over turkey in the refrigerator from John's Christmas Eve masterpiece and so I went to the ingredients index and found the following recipe under "turkey":

Southwestern Corn Chowder
serves 4

1/2 cup sweet onion (chopped)
Saute in 1 tablespoon olive oil in a soup pot until soft

2 1/2 cups corn (I used 3)
3 1/2 chicken or vegetable broth (I used about 4 cups)
Add an cook 10 minutes. Remove 1 cup of solids with about 1/3 cup of broth and place in blender or food processor; blend until smooth. Return this puree to the soup pot and heat until nearly boiling.

1 medium sweet red pepper (chopped)
1 small tomato (chopped)
Stir in and heat another minute

1/2 fresh lime
3 tablespoons fresh cilantro (finely chopped)
Squeeze lime into soup and top with cilantro immediately before serving. Garnish individual bowls with Tabasco pepper sauce, lime wedges and/or dollop of plain yogurt or sour cream (optional).

Variation: For a heartier soup add cooked black beans, lima beans, and/or chunks of cooked chicken or turkey. Using grilled corn, cut off the cob, imparts a delicious smoky flavor.

I did vary the soup by adding black beans (I added one can, but in the future would add two), as well as chunks of pre-cooked turkey (2 cups or a little more). I also cooked Jasmine rice and served it on the side, but everyone agreed that the soup great with the rice in it. I did serve with lime and cilantro (and no sour cream) and it was excellent. I think next time I will also try it with sour cream. The soup easily served four people with at least two bowls each.

I was really happy with how the soup turned out. It was perfect for a simple winter evening meal, (although the cook book had it as a summer meal because the cilantro, peppers, tomatoes, and corn are seasonal). It just so happened that our guests, in a bit of happy surprise, brought cranberry juice, diet 7-UP and a lime (and normally vodka if I were a capable drinker) to make a great drink to go with the soup.

A Skiing Adventure for Christmas!

2008-12-26T13:38:00.000-08:00

Blessed snowy winter vacation, hooray!

We arrived in Duluth yesterday morning for Christmas to find huge snow piles everywhere. Good thing we brought the skis! After a great day of family time, Jff, my dad, and I headed to a nearby park area where I have skiied since I was young.

It was beautiful skiing! The snow was white, fluffy, well-groomed and pretty fast. The sun was out and the birch and aspen trees were a perfect surrounding. As we were skiing the long loop, the sun began to set and the lights were slowly turning on. The trail is really varied with lots of small ups and downs that follow the bank of the river. As huband put it, "this is much better than a golf course."

Today, our skiing adventure continued with my step-mom joining us. We headed up the North Shore a few minutes to another favorite skiing destination. Korkki's Nordic is a small, intimate ski area made originally by a Scandanavian farmer who owned the land. Since then (early 50's) volunteers have built a small warming house and cleared the 10k worth of trails by hand. With only a single track through mostly pine trees, it is absolutely gorgeous. It is said to be just like skiing in Norway because of both how narrow the trail is as well as how remote it is.

I was a little worried as we drove up to Korkki's because there was a bit of a mist falling, but as we got there, it stopped, leaving the trail just a tiny bit icy-- and very fast. As soon as we got into the trees it was breath-taking. The roughly 36 inches of snow that has recently fallen up here was virtually untouched this morning. The trees were all covered in huge piles of powdery snow and although it wasn't sunny today, the small path through the woods looked almost magical. The trails are wonderful, very varied with small ups and fun hills. The route back on the 7.5k trail is really fast- often sending you through undulating track with nice turns and easy hills. I had forgotten how much I love skiing there!

Although Dad and Husband had a bit of an adventure on the BIG hill just adjacent to the 7.5 loop (this year, my step mom and I declined due to BBF ) we had a great ski and ended with a little bit of time in the warming house in time to see many of the families arriving for an afternoon ski. Although I am pooped for today, the possibility of going tomorrow has piqued my interest- because up here it is no frozen lake or flat golf courses. These trails are made for skis!

Down for the Count: The Stomach Flu Kung Foo Chop

2008-12-20T00:48:00.000-08:00

How fickle the body is... I was fine all day. I went into do some consulting work early in the morning for job #2, later a colleague of mine from job #1 and I delivered Holiday cookies from the college to community partners around the city as a 'thank you' for working with students. This took several hours. In the afternoon, I met with a student, with another co-worker, and did some work on upcoming programming.

I left work feeling fine, if not a little uncomfortable in my stomach, (but that sometimes happens of late). I got the Y in order to meet LLC for a run a little early and waited for her in the lobby and all of a sudden my stomach felt horrible. Luckily for me, when she got there she also was not up for a run, so we just walked. A few times as we walked I got strange stomach cramps, but nothing too horrible, again, ask any pregnant lady about stomach gas...

As I got home, I really needed to use the bathroom. And again, and again. Maybe just really bad upset stomach? I didn't eat anything funny... Husband was making dinner for himself and both the smell and thought was absolutely a violation. He graciously made me peanut butter toast and got me a sparkling water. Oops. When my body tells me it is uninterested in food, I should always listen.

By 7:00 our plans for a local movie were out of the question. I was on the couch not feeling well, already dozing off. And still I didn't quite get it, instead I was thinking "this brings my pregnancy sleepiness to a new high". Part of the problem is that I am just never sick. I may have allergies or G.I. tract issues, but it is never a body-wide problem... Not this time. By 8:30 the bucket was by my bed, I was in my bed, except for using the bucket. (Thank you, husband).

By 11:00 pm I was still sleeping and using the bucket alternatively and husband was on the phone with the Ob-Gyn.

It is now 3:04 am. I am wide awake, I have barely even had any water and no food, I am praying that the few sips of water, I did take with tylenol will stay down, my stomach is still being loud and obnixious, and I am blogging for a lack of other things to do. I hate the stomach flu and a ruined weekend.

Contemplative Coffee

2008-12-14T17:18:00.000-08:00

This morning I met a friend I don't often get to see for coffee. Although it turned out to be a better day to be in bed, we met at a favorite spot of mine that was thoroughly cozy. We had a great time chatting about her job, my job, the baby in my tummy, a recent romantic trist of hers, and a few other things. Although we have fairly separate social scenes for the most part, we have a great time laughing about the little things. I am always amazed at how fast time goes when we are chatting.

Next to us in the cafe was a group of four women meeting to have brunch. There with them was a little baby in a carrier rounding out the table. It made me think more about my determination to continue to take part socially even after I have a baby. It is my hope that friends won't count me out just because I have a bubblebee with me, but instead ask me if I can make it work and if I would like to join. I hope that people will be willing to accomodate a sleeping/happy baby as long as I can manage it without totally changing the social scene.

I realized today that I do have some friends like that, and that hopefully in a larger way, husband and I have couple friends that will be willing to accommodate baby-dom with out too much trouble. In the end this morning, I was glad to have met my pal for coffee, she is someone who can clearly transcend social scene and life stage and I am glad to have her.

Mid-December Musings

2008-12-13T21:28:00.000-08:00

I like this time of year- it is a period of time- a month or a little more where I get excited about forecasts of snow, of cookie-making parties, and seeing all the holiday lights up as I drive around at night. It seems like a fun build up to Christmas and I like it most because it makes winter, not always a pleasant season, seem fun.

The holidays, at the same time, are such a hectic time as well. Lots of decisions, parties, food, tasks, and a sort of bustle that can make one a bit crazy. It seems like it takes special care to really enjoy it all, without letting the bustle get too overwhelming. Going on snowy walks, taking warm baths, and keeping up with running has been my ticket this year to really enjoying the season. I believe that instituting a nation-wide napping trend at work during the day is the next step towards a more sane holiday season...but that might be a while in coming,

Today, I noticed a squirrel running across the snow and I had a strange thought sequence... First, I wondered where squirrels sleep when they are not running around (and how do they stay warm?) and then I realized that for all I see them, I know very little about squirrels other than that husband and neighbor have concocted a few plans to kill the many that frequent our yard. Then I thought about how squirrels must have a territory- an area that they consider their neighborhood- because there are squirrels I see all the time in our yard (the one with the broken tail) and the one that I see by the river when LLC and I are running (the albino) and the list goes on. All very interesting, but an odd thing to think about in depth this morning. And probably not a very interesting thing to blog about.

Recently, husband and I went to finish up a little Christmas shopping in a local area near to our house. It was lovely to frequent and support local businesses that I really appreciate having close to us. Plus, I am realizing that the service and friendliness you receive in these areas is unparalleled.

Last weekend as we were trimming the tree I realized that I really miss our cat, Leo. Although I am glad that he is in a good place out on the farm, I realized as I pulled out ornaments and other decorations that Christmas really was his season. He is featured in many of our ornaments and of course, there was the adorable habit of his of sitting below the lit up tree, all curled up on the tree skirt. It is tough to not have him here this season, being so cute. I still feel really sad to know that he had to start over somewhere else, and I miss him everyday very much. But how do you explain the way you feel about it to most people?

On Saturday, I was reminded of the tremendous kindness and understanding of one of my friends. Although I am struggling to describe it, it was just exactly something that was needed. It was considerate, caring, and just really, really a perfect gesture. I think it is one of those tiny things about her that will always stick out in my memory just because of the way it made me feel.

There are times when I think it would be genius to be able to purr like a cat. It lets people know that you are thoroughly enjoying their company without having to say a word and a hiatus in purring also indicates when someone has done something that is somewhat of a buzz-kill. Purr-fect.

Last weekend at a friend's holiday party, I was amazed to realize, AGAIN, what a small world it is. It is really fun and slightly crazy when you realize that several of your friends all know the same people, but that you didn't know that anyone knew each other.

Sometimes is it amazing how great a good cry can make you feel. After telling husband about this really sad, hard situation, tonight. I just let it go, and man, I feel much better although the situation remains.

I am really excited to report that I found time to make my favorite holiday cookies. I discovered them last year and made one batch with a friend. This year I tackled them on my own.... They are really bad for you, but that is why they are soooo good. Chocolate cookies with Andes Mints melted on top of them-a minty, chocolately chewy mouthful that is sublime. I guess I can bake more than just bread!

I will sign off from my random thoughts with a thought about the great river that we live on/near. Last weekend I drove over the river right after a large boat had passed through. It was really beautiful to see the river iced over, except for this very perfect path cut through the ice by a ship. It was strangely fascinating to look at, and it reminded me of watching the ore boats cut through the harbor ice in Duluth.

What did you do today?

2008-12-12T14:43:00.000-08:00

So what do I do every day at work?

The best answer is that no day is ever the same. And I love it.

Today, I found myself in the Soccer Dome on campus watching about 50 high school students learn how to play Ultimate Frisbee…

It started about a week ago when I got a phone call from a local urban, alternative high school coordinator for at risk students. He mentioned a program called urban immersion where two other high school groups would come into the city, meet the urban hs students and then have several experiences in the community. He wondered if there was any space for them to do something here at the college.

After a few quick emails and running into a few students that I had previously met, we had the Dome reserved, and college students ready to teach high school students how to play Frisbee.

I cannot express the amount of fun I had watching my students teaching a wide variety of high school students how to play and then playing frisbee with them. With some convincing, I even got sucked into a game and ran around with the rest of them for a while.

So for two hours my job was to watch a bunch of students, have fun, develop skills, and learn new things. I even got some good exercise out of it, and gained instant cred with the members of the college Frisbee team.

Hmmm… So am I okay with running around campus in warm-ups one day and heels the next? Yeah, because then, as a student told me yesterday, “You are a real person”. I can deal with that for a job that I really like.

Tragedy, Part Two

2008-12-04T12:46:00.000-08:00

Late last Sunday night I got a phone call from a co-worker. One of the students we had taken with us on the bus trip to Georgia was killed in a car accident over the weekend while home for Thanksgiving. It was just her riding in the car and somehow the car flipped over in the bad weather. Although she was rushed to the hospital, she died later on Saturday from massive injuries.

I didn't know her all that well, but she was well loved. She did everything- and I mean everything- both in high school and college. She had a caring heart and really did believe in speaking up for the voiceless. She was very interested in her appearance, but was also much deeper than that. She was a thinker, and most importantly, a doer.

All week it has been heavy around here. The campus has been rocked by Katie's death. I have been covering for both my co-worker out on bereavement leave and students who attended Katie's funeral. Everything seems out of wack and everywhere I turn there is more really, really shockingly sad news and someone struggling with it. It is fitting then, that today when I opened up the bi-weekly newsletter from our CSA share that Rock Spring Farm, that again I heard Katie's name and all the good that she spread, along with a hearty dose of sadness of her leaving too soon.

It really is an eloquently written story about her, one that I think more people should see (especially students who cared about her):

This weekend, we lost one of most wonderful young women to have graced this farm over the past nine years. Katie ----, a star member of our crew of Harvest Heroes in 2007, died in a car accident north of Rushford on Saturday night.

Anything we say about Katie working on the farm now seems trite, but that's the avenue we knew her through the summer after she graduated from Mabel High School, before she started at ------- College in --------. A self-described high-maintenance, bug-fearing, cheerleading city girl, Katie got in touch with her inner-veggie farmer at Rock Spring Farm, morphing from a timid, awkward, and uncertain worker into a young woman who refused to let somebody else do the heavy lifting, getting dirty, or big-van driving. And she taught us all the importance of doing it all with a great tube of lip gloss and killer eyeliner.

Katie always had something to say, and that something almost always made us laugh. On the other side of that, Katie listened carefully and picked up on the world around her so that she always knew what was going on, both on the farm and in the lives of the people around her.

She wasn't afraid to call people out for slacking off or not meeting the quality standards, or to ask questions, or to shut off Isabel's Raffi tapes. But she also wasn't afraid to cheer us on when things were going well, or to offer consolation when the going was rough.

As befits the stereotype of a cheerleader, she was a master of chalkboard and whiteboard art, and her various renditions of the words "Rock Spring Farm" and "Certified Organic" still grace every writing board on the farm, almost a year after she helped out with last winter's seed inventory. It's the sort of touch that has made us smile on an almost daily basis.

She had a mindful presence, and the sort of personality that didn't always get the credit she deserved because she didn't need the credit to get the job done, or to reach out to her coworkers or friends.

We didn't make it to Katie's memorial service on Wednesday due to the nasty weather, but her passing reminded me of a story told at the recent funeral of another person I wish I had known better, local potter Tim Langholz. A fellow potter related the story of an artist's retreat where he and Tim had worked hard all day, then gone for a walk as the sun was setting. As they walked through the woods, the light was so perfect that they ran back for their easels and brushes, then sat in silence working for some time to capture the scene the had found themselves in the midst of. Finally, Tim turned to his friend and said, "You know, this is not a dress rehearsal." Katie lived like that, lip gloss and all.

On Blogging

2008-12-03T11:56:00.000-08:00

When I describe to people why I blog, it ends up being something like this:
I like that I have a place to just write things that I think about. I don't think a lot of people read it. I don't put a ton of energy into it. I just like it. I like that I can look back on old posts, I like that it is not a personal journal completely, and I like the creative outlet. I like writing and it gives me a good opportunity to do it and be very relaxed about it. I like that people who care can keep up with my life without me repeating things 80 times.

I also like reading most other people's blogs (depending on what they write about, of course.) It is interesting to see what other people are thinking about, what interesting experiences they have, and most of all I think it is a nice creative outlet that is very informal. I most like blogs where people tell interesting stories about their lives, where I am challenged to see someone else's perspective, know more about the world, and where people are just themselves with what they write. It is also a way I keep up with people who I care about.

Today I read a blog post that reminds me why I love blogs. It is because I get a dose of my friend MK, although I haven't seen her in a while, all while she tells an AWESOME story. Check it out.

The book list that might save me

2008-12-03T11:42:00.000-08:00

Lately, I have found myself not reading as much. Why? Unsure.

Some ideas:
1. I do read books, they just are about my gradually increasing stomach.
2. I am too busy. I am working my new job and consulting for my former job 8-10 hours a week.
3. I sleep a lot more now; no bedtime seems too early for me.
4. I haven't been cruising the library's website as much, therefore reserving fewer books, therefore fewer books on my desk at home.

Anyways, the New York Times Book Review list is coming in handy:

100 Notable Books of 2008
The Book Review has selected this list from books reviewed since Dec. 2, 2007.

My New Thanksgiving Box... and other Traditions from Turkey Day

2008-12-01T12:00:00.000-08:00

For Thanksgiving this year husband and I decided we would spend it with both of our extended families in Illinois. We are lucky to have plenty of aunts, uncles, and cousins in the Chicago area and a few of them even live within a few miles of each other.

Over the last four years that we have been together we have spent a lot of time with Jff’s Aunt and Uncle B and with my cousin Jean and her husband Daryl. Both families have young kids and it has been fun to watch them grow up. It was great to be able to enjoy both sides of our family this year, especially knowing that next year it may be more difficult to travel for holidays like Thanksgiving.

On Thursday we had dinner at 1 o’clock at my family’s and then made it back for a 5 o’clock Thanksgiving six miles away at Jff’s family’s. It was so great to be surrounded by family in both places that we sincerely love- we enjoyed the kids, catching up, and just sharing in many of the traditions of both families. But something occurred to me after the second Thanksgiving of the day… I couldn’t help but realize that Thanksgiving dinner at my family’s had just tasted SO GOOD (and better than at Jff’s…)

This got me wondering… do we always just prefer what is our own? Especially, if it is related to family, traditions, and what we are used to? I mean Jff and I both agreed that the potatoes were better at my cousin’s, but I would have said that everything was better, and I am sure he would not agree. As I was relating this to my mom, she remarked that my aunt had probably used most of grandma’s old recipes… so many of this things that I have had at Thanksgiving meals since I was a small child. That must be what it is… don’t we just naturally like the things we grow up with, better?

Today as I was at my cousin’s house again, we were laughing about this phenomenon of family preference. She agreed that it all stems from what we are used to, and not always what is the BEST food. I had to laugh when she said, “Yeah, but I do tell Daryl that I really don’t like his mom’s stuffing—she puts ground meat in it-- Yuck!”

Anyways, this got me thinking about traditions and what kind of things our child will be used to and the ways that we all choose what we continue from our families and what things we leave behind. What traditions do we create for our children to pass on or leave behind?

One tradition that began this year with Jff’s cousin Ava, that will we will hopefully always continue, is the Thanksgiving Box. Before dinner everyone wrote on a separate piece of paper what they were thankful for. After dinner and dessert, we opened up the box and Ava read all that notes out loud. It was really fun, and functioned to remind everyone of what is really being celebrated at Thanksgiving. There were plenty of laughs and “oohs” shared during the reading of the cards and in the end it functioned to let everyone know what each individual was celebrating. My favorite list that was read was husband's Thankful card, it read:

I am thankful for:
New babies
Pumpkin bread
Family
Klou
Obama
Nintendo

So this year I left Thanksgiving determined to continue some traditions, and make others my new traditions. First, I vow to find my grandma’s old recipes so when I start making Thanksgiving dinner I can make it the way that is the way I remember it. Second, I will always continue the family walks after dinner- each year there is so much fun had on these treks through neighborhoods and there are great conversations had. Third, I vow to continue my avoidance of the ridiculousness of Black Friday the day after Thanksgiving—I never have taken part and I am glad—I much prefer spending time with family, playing outside, or just sharing a day of rest with people I care about to the over-consumerism of buying things with a zillion people I don’t know and don’t care about. Fourth, from now on all Thanksgivings will include more vegetables (ginger carrots!) and loaves of pumpkin and cranberry bread. And finally, from now on I will always have a Thanksgiving Box to use and to share.

Dealing with Tragedy

2008-11-30T18:58:00.000-08:00

A long time ago I tried to stop thinking about why tragedies happen, they are often random with no good explanation… But it seems like every time I hear of something terrible happening I can’t help but search for order, some explanation. It is a strange realization that not all things make sense, or even have an upside to them.

Although I only started my new job barely a month ago, I have gotten to know my co-worker and office mate, who I will call BN, well. He is an open, friendly person and we often consult each other on judgment calls on student situations. Our friendship has also been helped out by the fact that he and his wife have been expecting, as well. There have been many jokes in the office suite about our joint office being turned into a nursery, etc. It also helps that we compare notes on the myriad of decisions that couples are faced with when having their first baby.

BN and his wife have been in the last weeks of their pregnancy and each day it seems like a great surprise whether or not he will be in the office that day or not. Students have been popping in for any news, curious about BN’s life changing event. BN’s been sharing with me he and his wife’s plan to have the baby at home, completely naturally, and many of their other new exciting ideas.

Last night as many of the students I have been traveling with were being too loud at the fire pit, my co-worker and I received news that BN’s wife had gone into labor, but that the baby had died in labor. We were shocked to the core, and as I lay in my tent knowing none of the details, I searched for reasons, explanation, understanding-- anything that would help me see the bright side of a horrific, terrible event. I came up empty-handed.

Today it has sunk in a bit more, but I am still wondering, thinking in circles about what it would be like to carry a baby full term, deliver it, and to lose it in the end. You would still have gone through the ENTIRE long and life changing experience of being pregnant, of planning for and loving this growing thing inside of you, not to mention the intensity of labor—all to end up without a baby.

It reminds me yet again of the devastating tragedies that people encounter in their lives all the time. I am humbled by the beautiful letter that BN wrote about their experience and their perspective moving forward, but I can’t help but feel like this is something you never get over… you just get past it. My compassion goes out to all people who have experienced something similar in their lives.

Traveling to the School of the Americas

2008-11-29T19:41:00.000-08:00

I spent last weekend with 40 of my closest college students. We traveled to Georgia (yes, the state of) by bus (19 hours each way) in order to attend the School of the Americas (SOA) Protest that takes place every year in November at the gates of the Fort Benning Military base.

The School of the Americas, now titled the Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation (WHISC), is a place where terrorists are trained. Started during the early cold war era, the school has trained militants from countries across Latin America in interrogation techniques, torture, and counter insurgencies tactics. Run by the U.S. Military, the SOA trains people to uphold dictatorships (supported by the U.S. Government of course) that are not democratically elected and who support U.S. corporations (such as DOLE) in unfair trade agreements where most of their profits return to the United States.

Militants from the SOA have traditionally targeted educators, clergy, student activists, and other non-profit groups dedicated to providing a voice for the poor. Government supported militants have also committed mass murder and terrible atrocities, one of the most notable examples being the massacre at El Mozote during the El Salvadorian Civil War in 1981. (A book about this is The Massacre at El Mozote)

Many of the students who came on the trip were a part of the Coalition for Student Activists, one of the student organizations that I am faculty advisor for. The reflected quite a bit on protests, mass movements, and current issues where activists are need to provide a voice for the voice-less around the world.

The bus ride down was not as bad as I thought it would be. We watched movies, we read, and we slept. I got to know a lot of the students and I also did a tremendous job at sleeping overnight on the bus. Early Saturday morning we stopped at the Waffle House (a bit freaky) and then drove to the state park where we planned to camp, so we could set up our tents (this was a great adventure with students with a variety of camping experiences- my favorite being the Somali students who had no idea) It was a beautiful spot- wooded, hilly area on a small lake, with lots of leaves still on the trees.

The protest was interesting… strict boundaries of where you could be, where you could not be—it is on the edge of a military base after all. The first day of the gathering is a lot of speakers, music, and seminars on activism. It was interesting to see the locals out selling food but not supporting the protest., and all the different causes that set up booths.

Camping was chilly and interesting. My co-trip leader and I held successful reflection sessions with the students, but only after she let them stop at the liquor store on the way to the campground – and I love her, but that complicated things. Especially when at 12:30 some students were singing drunkenly (and loudly) around the fire. Luckily in retrospect they think it is funny that I eventually made them poor water on the fire to quiet them down. Oops- they had to head into the tents! It was cold- about 20 degrees- overnight.

The protest on Sunday is traditionally about mourning all the people who have been killed by SOA militants. 20,000 people carried white crosses, and after leaders read the name of each person recorded, in unison the crowd chants “PRESENTE!”, we marched to the gates of the military base and hung the crosses on the gates while we were watched by the men in military uniform. It was a powerful reminder of just how many people have been killed by the SOA. The students were very moved by the demonstration, the name reading went on for over five hours.

In the end the bus ride back was long, but had no major incidents. I felt towards the end of the trip that I had seen every gas station bathroom between here and Georgia and I just really wanted to sleep in a real bed. But the trip was valuable. I got to know a lot of students that I will work with and I think that the students learned a lot about the School of the America and about all the complex ways our government’s policies impact people all over the world.

Perks of the Position

2008-11-18T08:56:00.000-08:00

Just a few reasons why I like my new position at the small college:

Tai Chi Monday 5-6 pm

Yoga Tuesday 12-1 pm

Ultimate Frisbee pick-up for staff and faculty Tuesday 12-1 pm

Yoga Wednesday 7:30-8:30 am

Yoga Thursday 12-1 pm

Free use of the renovated workout center for both myself and my spouse.

Free lunches every first Wednesday and Thursdays of the month.

Reduced lunches for staff and faculty every day of the year.

Too bad husband and I already have our master's degrees, because those are free for us as well.

The list goes on... I could get used to this.

Happy Voting Eve

2008-11-03T19:16:00.000-08:00

On the eve of another major election, I wish everyone a great election day tomorrow.

I always feel a great sense of anticipation for the day that everyone decends on the polls. It seems like such an amazing right and responsibility. I can't help but want to celebrate all the people who take time out of their lives to do their civic duty.

So it is my sincere hope for you that if no other time than tomorrow you relish your freedom to submit a ballot that is secret, that has real choices on it, and that it is illegal no matter what job you have, to be prevented from voting because of your work hours.

Although I don't always feel proud of the people who I share this country with, I can't help but to be incredibly proud of our governmental system. Even though as a former government teacher I can site all the issues with many of our practices: the electoral college, the two party system, campaign finance, voter apathy, and many more, I can't help but take great joy in the first Tuesday after the first Monday of the Month of November. Doesn't it seem like one of the greatest things about our country?

Tomorrow I will spend about 14 or 15 hours at my precinct ensuring that everyone that lives in my neighborhood can vote. Although I will end up exhausted and tired of finding registered voters in the list, I will revel in having participated in a truly wonderful tradition.

So, Happy Voting to you all and to all a great, historic outcome that reflects the voice of this country! Enjoy every second of it!

Varsity, Varsity...

2008-10-30T18:46:00.000-07:00

Ever been to a Big Ten football game before? And more importantly, ever been to a Badger game before?
These are the questions that two Ole boys were recently faced with as two Madison Alums agreed that what they needed was a serious dose of "Real College Town" and "Real Football Game".

Last Friday afternoon, Slummy, LB, Jff, and I piled into one car and made the trek to Wisconsin for homecoming weekend. The drive down was uneventful, except for the ominous rain that splattered the car as we neared Madison. As we arrived in town, however, the rain stopped and instead we had a clear view of the capital as we drove in.

After a series of hotel decisions early on, we elected to stay in what I remember as a really crappy run-down hotel right in the middle of campus. Upon our arrival, it was nice to realize that it had recently been completely redone and is now a really nice place to stay. As we checked in, it was a comical reminder of who we were traveling with as Slummy realized, or rather the hotel staff realized, that Slummy had 'status' there. Free breakfast buffet for all of us.

We seized the night and ended up heading out for a walk down State Street and a beer at the Great Dane. For both LB and I, the walk was reminiscent of college and yet it was strange to see what had changed... New buildings, old businesses, new chain restaurants, same city essentially. It was strange to see my alma mater through eyes that are now over 12 years older than when I first arrived. I felt really old as we walked into the Dane, but then settled in to just enjoying the loud Friday night scene.

Saturday morning was early, but exciting. I was really excited about the football game and to walk around campus in the day light. We had hoped to fit in a visit to the illustrious Farmers Market around the capital square, but we were crunched for time because of the early game. After a visit to the Alumni Bash for breakfast and some ill advised Bloody Marys, we headed to the bookstore for a refresh on our Wisconsin wardrobes. Along the way we did some sight seeing- the rubble that was the dorm I lived in freshman year, Granger Hall, the Humanities building, and Science Hall... After a stop back at the hotel we headed for the game.

It was inspiring to see the sea of red moving toward the stadium for an 11am kick off. We ended up sitting in one of the end zones almost at ground level. The game was fabulous, and although it got steadily cooler during the afternoon, the Badgers pulled it out against the Fighting Illini. Hooray! The fifth quarter was fun and entertaining as usual. I relished the singing of the fight song, the Alumni song, and many others that are permanently burned into my brain. I was also surprised to hear and see some additions to the fifth quarter of the game that never happened when I was there.
After the game we set off on more sight seeing- visiting LB's dorms, my sophomore dorm, taking the Lakeshore Path all the way to the Union, and ending up in Der Rathskeller for some beer and my Berry Alvarez Shake (delish!). Boy were we tired after we warmed up, so we headed back to the hotel for some late afternoon/early evening snoozing(also delish!)

A dinner at Amy's Cafe followed by a bar further down State street were fun places to do some reminiscing and more discussion of college. Slummy was entertained by new selections of beers, the numerous unfortunate "train-wrecks" that were spotted along the strip throughout the course of the evening (Meel- isssa!), and comparing the Olaf Campus to that of Madison's. The inevitable reminder that we weren't in college anymore came with an early return to the hotel room to go to bed.

Sunday was an early morning wake up for a gratis brunch and quick showers. On our way out of Madison, we dropped LB at the airport for her business trip down to Orlando and the three of us continued on home through the wind, rain, and snow. We were lucky to have encountered a partially sunny day in Madison that managed to highlight some of the pretty leaves and the beautiful campus where both LB and I were lucky enough to spend 5+ years of our lives.

In the end, I could have spent another couple of days doing many of the things I always think of doing in Madison: visiting the Farmer's market, walking down to the Monona Terrace, walking up to see the view from Observatory Hill, and making it out to the tip of Picnic point at night to see all the lights on campus, but we packed a lot into a weekend while we were there. It was a great time, and a great reminder of what a rich history LB and I have from our time there. I left thinking about how lucky I was to go to a school like that, where there was always more to explore and more to do. It is a good thing to have those places that remain so important in your heart that when you are there, you feel a sense of great happiness and contentment.

U, rah, rah, Wisconsin!

FRITZ: The Walter Mondale Story

2008-10-21T16:12:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday night husband and I hurried over to the History Center after a dinner out to see the opening of the documentary, FRITZ: The Walter Mondale Story. We settled into the small, cozy theater amidst many people Jff serves with on the non-profit board, people he worked for when cataloging the former Vice President's papers, and the Mondale family themselves.

The film was excellently done with many people including, President Carter, Vice President Al Gore, and US Senator Geraldine Ferraro, reflecting on "Fritz" while he was in the Senate and in the White House. Even though I already knew much of the history, the look at it through the life of Mondale was fascinating. The thing that kept coming through in every part of the movie was Mondale's strong sense of morals (and not the kind that all too often are pulled into politics now), his dedication to the democracy of this country, and his stalwart belief in the environment, in equality, and in breaking down barriers. Throughout his entire career he has remained down to earth, humble, honest, and dedicated to public service.

There were several parts of the movie that were especially funny or touching. The first one was when he was on a show for new Senators in Washington D.C. and his two youngest kids are on camera crawling around on the floor under the table all while Mondale is being interviewed. Another moment that is moving is the description of how Mondale became Carter's running mate and as a result how he changed the office of the Vice Presidency forever. Finally, I was left feeling sad when the story of the 2002 election where Mondale stepped in for Wellstone was told from his perspective... Here was a man who has all his life served publicly, and was finally returning to private life. Because of his dedication to politics, Wellstone, and Wellstone's supporters, he agreed to run with only a few weeks left in the US Senate race. Obviously he lost the race, but the saddest thing that I was left with was the fact that the same state that had almost unanimously elected him to the Senate in the past only turned out 39% for him against Coleman. He was devasted by the outcome of the election and was left at the end of an illustrious career with a bad memory of his connection to the people of his home state.

Ultimately the loss of the election ended up with husband working for the former Vice President for over a year and then working on his papers after that. It was so exciting and awe-inspiring to realize how much of what was in the film was researched and catalogued by Jff. I was so proud of him as I saw his work come to life (as well as a few brief glances of him in the film, too!).

We ended the evening with a quick exchange of pleasantries with Mondale and a few other people we knew, and then, as we walked to the car we marveled about our wedding in the same location over two years ago. It was a night where I felt very fortunate to have married the man I did, to have grown up in such a great state, and in having had some great politicians to look up to while I was growing up. It put the current election in to a whole new light for me, yet again.

It's Official, Amen.

2008-10-15T19:51:00.000-07:00

Now that it is official, I can share my good news. This afternoon my job offer from a local liberal arts college became real, the paperwork is going to HR, and soon I will submit my two weeks notice to the Center where I currently work.

There are a lot of reasons why this is an exciting move. First, there is the grad school thing. I went to grad school and got my master's degree. In my current job that degree has no bearing on anything. Once my degree was in hand, my duties did not change, my income did not increase, and in fact, my satisfaction with doing work below my skill level drastically declined especially since I graduated.

Another good reason for the move is that my new job is the beginning of my new career path. Although my current job has provided me some good experience, learning, and exposure, the reality is that I often am not doing the work in a way that is meaningful. By contrast my new position will be using my masters degree, and doing exactly what I set out to do when I left teaching. It is a really great feeling to have finally made it.

My last reason for why this is a good move is just simply to not have to see the Horrible Supervisor every day anymore! This sounds petty, but it is not. Since this summer when she returned from maternity leave, there was sort of an unspoken agreement that she should leave me alone and that her boss, would ultimately be the person I worked with and checked in with. That has worked out really well and it was a huge improvement. However, in some ways seeing Horrible Supervisor every day, dealing with her snarky comments in meetings, her inability to deal well with people, her inflexibility, and unwillingness to consider shades of gray rather than black or white in the end drove me nuts since she was still apart of a small staff. Although I am generally extremely good at hiding my great dislike for her, in recent weeks I have had a hard time not laughing out loud at her, often in my mind giving her the middle finger as I walk past her cube.

Lastly, another beautiful thing about making the job move is that I am staying in the same neighborhood as the Center. Husband and I will still commute together, I will still be close to the co-op, the bus line and LRT, and all the people who I know on the other campus. I will continue to contract with my current center on the oral history project for a few hours a week, and I will remain in the community where I did much of the research for my thesis.

All in all, it is a great move. In a little over two weeks I will move into my new office and don the title of Coordinator of Community and Civic Engagment. and as my father-in-law stated today, I will for the first time become part of the "Lutheran Family". Amen is what I say to that.

Is it just luck, or...?

2008-10-15T09:40:00.000-07:00

Several things and circumstances have recently come together to make me feel like I am leading a very lucky and incredibly wonderful life. Some great news came late last night that only heightens the feeling of having everything come together in a way that I could have not even dared to hope for even three months ago. With these many good things come changes, but all good, all welcome adjustments.

This morning when I remarked to a friend that I felt so lucky upon sharing more good news, she responded by saying something like: It is only luck if it truly comes out of the blue. You are not giving yourself the credit you are due when you say it is luck. You have worked hard, positioned yourself well, and been very thoughtful about your life. These are the fruits of your labor- they are not happening without reason. You have made them happen, so rejoice in that.

I thought that was a very kind thing to say (even if I do feel like some of it is still pure luck and a lot of it is privilege). I do often feel like people have the option of creating their own realities and opportunities, so I guess it was good to be reminded of this when it pertains to me.

So as I continue on my (very) merry way today, I am going to both celebrate my luck as well as my responsibility for my good fortune. I will also try to pack some of it away, and save it for those times when I don't feel quite so lucky or so accomplished or so responsible...

More Barfing...

2008-10-14T11:17:00.000-07:00

A New York Times article about Palin, "A Riveting Speaker, Waving the Flag".

Although I am happy to read things like this:

Ms. Palin’s partisan zeal could repel some independent voters in closely contested states like New Hampshire and Pennsylvania; Democratic polling in both states shows Ms. Palin with high negative ratings among independents. Palin advisers say many of these voters do not know enough about her; Ms. Palin is campaigning in Pennsylvania on Tuesday and New Hampshire on Wednesday.

And I agree with this:

In some ways, Ms. Palin seems like a 2.0 version of George W. Bush — not the deeply unpopular president, but the plain-spoken and energetic campaigner who rose as a political talent in Texas and solidified his appeal in the 2000 and 2004 presidential campaigns. Hers, like his, is a with-us-or-against-us message, as when Ms. Palin pledges total solidarity with “good, hard-working, patriotic Americans.”

My gag reflex begins when I read this:

“America, doggone it, unfortunately we’re deep in debt, and Barack Obama would put us even deeper in debt,” she added a few minutes later. “We’ve got to reverse this. America, we cannot afford another big spender in the White House.”

Because as we all know, tax cuts for the rich, actually SAVE money, right?

It is not until I get to here that I need to find a garbage can:

If there are holes in logic or a lack of specifics in Ms. Palin’s speeches, her audiences tend to fill the absence with gushing affection…“She’s intelligent, she’s adorable and she has the audacity to speak her mind,” said Ray Gilson of Corapeake, N.C., who attended the Virginia Beach rally. “I’ve never loved a politician like I love her. I want her to be president someday.”

Yep, because that is what we all need: someone who has made no long-term academic commitments, someone who has no experience, and someone who is “adorable” in the White House to solve all of our problems.

In reality, I guess it isn’t Palin that scares me, it is the people who give her power by believing in her glittering generalities and overt racial and cultural discrimination that make me most scared… because they share this country with me.

One thought on fall...

2008-10-11T12:56:00.000-07:00

Cortland apples in the fall are pure bliss. Give me some cheese, bread, hummus, and fall apples and I could live for months on nothing else.

Palin on the big screen

2008-10-03T15:21:00.000-07:00

Last night, husband and I, in the company of a few friends went to a local theater to watch the VP debates. It was really fun. Sponsored by the local DFL party, the theater felt like a rally where there was not much line standing, comfortable seats, and popcorn to eat. Volunteers were handing out thunder sticks, handing out vouchers for a free Obama sign, and many local candidates came to talk.

It was fun, rowdy, and loud when Sarah Palin did or said something stupid.

Amen!

2008-09-29T10:46:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Slummy, MK, and Scratching Pole for comments on my last Palin blog.

This editorial, "Palin's Words Raise Red Flags" by Bob Herbert in the New York Times is spot-on... if you haven't seen the latest Palin interview, husband has it posted. It might make you weep, but it will not leave any doubt in your mind about her, ugh, um, ability, to you know what I mean...to lead.

I have never seen anyone bumble around on national television the way that she does, and you KNOW that it is for no lack of preparation or money being thrown toward the cause.

The best part of the editorial? It is on the nytimes.com most popular and emailed list. Like husband said last night, all we can hope is that before the election the Republicans won't be able to completely shield her from more nationally broadcast television interviews where she is exposed for being a complete idiot. So editorials like this that describe her ineptitude are a good start.

Thoughts on Mary Rae Peterson, April 7, 1919- September 22, 2008

2008-09-28T18:23:00.000-07:00

On Monday morning, my grandma, Mary Peterson, died. I have cried and cried, but I have also quietly rejoiced. She had outlived her mind. With a degenerative brain disease she slowly lost all the bits of her personality, her sight, her ability to speak, her ability to reason with emotion, her ability to remember things, and eventually even her ability to swallow.

I was very close to both my Grandma and Grandpa who lived in Illinois while I was growing up. My mom was a teacher which meant that we spent a lot of time staying with them in the summer, at Christmas time, and during most other vacations. My grandparents were like second parents to me, because my mom was a single parent and I was a child of a divorce at such a young age, they took extra care to spend time with me and to nurture me.

My grandma was a special woman. Nice to everyone, but also very determined. She had very soft skin, always smelled the same, hummed quietly most of the time, and ate spearmint life-savers. She had a purse always stocked for every eventuality, and was extremely thoughtful. She swam a mile a day and played golf and bridge with many of her friends. She volunteered all the time and knew everyone in the small town where she and my grandfather raised their three daughters. She was an extremely accomplished seamstress and at needlepoint.

When I was in college, I was closer to Grandma and Grandpa than home. I often would head down for a weekend surrounded by family (my aunt and uncle also ran a restaurant in town and many of my cousins live nearby in Chicago) and to find some down time. I would bring laundry and get great sleep and food. Eventually, however, I would head down to help out. I would do things my Grandma could no longer, I would go to spend time with both of them, I would drive around and do errands for them and work in their yard. It was heart breaking to leave at the end of the weekend and know how sad they were that I was leaving.

Seven years ago my Grandpa died and it was hard on everyone, especially my Grandma. She eventually had to move into a nursing home and she made the best of it, but didn't like it. I think my grieving process began for my Grandma as she began to have a harder and harder time keeping details straight and maintaining relationships. She could still remember when I was four and had the chicken pox over the fourth of July at her house, but she couldn't remember much about day to day life. She would often cry and become very confused. I could still go and sit with her, to smell her smell, feel her soft hands, and look at pictures with her, but slowly I lost the very personal connection we had had. It was painful.

In the last year I had begun praying that she would let herself die, something she had always seemed to be very frightened of even though she was a very faithful Presbyterian. Her body wouldn't let go, and she seemed a prisoner in a life that was nothing like her former vibrant life. She spent days crying, not recognizing her daughters, and lashing out at nurses. I didn't want to remember her like that, and thankfully, I don't much.

I will miss her terribly, but that is nothing new. I have missed her for a couple of years now. I will always miss going to the Y with her at 5:30 in the morning, and getting ready for bed with her, and riding my big wheel around her driveway, and shopping with her, and helping her with dinner... and about a thousand other things, mostly just talking to her.

I currently have tears streaming down my face, but I am crying for only myself and the many people whom she touched. I am cheering on the inside for her now, undoubtedly in the company of my Grandpa, my Uncle Don, and many of her sisters and brothers. She deserves a wonderful existence now.

Below is the memorial I wrote and read at her funeral on Friday. I hope you read it and it reminds you of someone you dearly love like I loved her.

My grandma, Mary Peterson, had a happy life surrounded by friends and family. Through her actions she taught many of us, some important lessons in life. I’d like to share seven lessons she taught me that tell a lot about her.

Lesson 1: Use it or lose it. Whether it was 18 holes of golf several times a week, or her early morning swims at the YMCA, Mary Peterson was an active older woman. When I was young and she would let me join her at the Y, driving through the early morning darkness and watching her talk to all of her swimming buddies, I was in awe. She taught me to be committed to exercise, to enjoy it, and always exercise in the company of friends.

Lesson 2: Waste not, want not. Grandma was a meticulous house-keeper and an ingenious user of stuff- I often remember her washing baseboards and reorganizing closets. She always had everything in boxes, perfectly labeled, often held shut with, of all things, the old waistbands of my grandfather’s underpants. I used to think this was a bit silly, but looking back I appreciate all the ways that she used what was available, and was always creative in how to re-use household items. It was my freshman year in college when she sent me a small box containing a miniature Christmas tree, and right on the box, written in permanent marker were directions about how I should store the tree in the box and take care of the small ornaments to make sure it lasted many seasons. 12 years later I still have both the box and the tree.

Lesson 3: Leave the world a little bit more beautiful than you found it. Grandma was a talented sewer and taught me the value of being able to do needlepoint and mend. I only wish more of her skill had rubbed off on me. I can still imagine her chair in the living room always with a sewing project on the table next to it, a dish full of discarded thread, and her special sewing light. I am grateful for all the fruits of her labor that she left behind. My own house, as well as all the houses of my relatives are decorated with the cross-stitching samplers she made commemorating our births, our marriages, or special accomplishments. In fact, it is from the sampler she made that hung in my house growing up that I learned the Lord’s prayer. It is very fitting then that when I did move into my own apartment, one of her gifts was a fully stocked, small sewing box that I still use today.

Lesson 4: Make friends where ever you go. Grandma always demonstrated for me that strangers were really friendly. Wherever we went in Dixon, whether it was to the department store, the Y, McDonalds, Church, or the Grocery store, Grandma talked to everyone. She had friends in all the businesses around town. She would stop and talk, and if they mentioned things that they cared about she would make sure to bring them little gifts when she visited them. When I was in town, I always felt like a celebrity because she would be so proud and excited to introduce me to all of her friends. They would always know so much about me – it was clear that she loved to spread the love and news of her family with all of her friends.

Lesson 5: Be a collector and a gift-giver. Grandma kept track of the details of people’s lives, of the special things that they liked, and she loved giving gifts. Grandma was always collecting things for people she cared about. Each year we received things that we liked from a collection: Christmas ornaments, Noritake Easter Eggs, or ceramic lighthouses that came every year for birthdays and Christmas without fail. She also collected smaller things, when I would visit at Christmas time, in the summers, or weekends from college she would have a small pile of valuable or not so valuable things waiting for me every time. Thankfully they were not often things like elastic from underpants, but instead were shampoo samples, coupons, hair bands, and other small gifts I appreciated. These small or large things have left a legacy behind her, reminding us of how much she thought about all the people in her life.

Lesson 6: Family is important. Especially towards the end of Grandma’s life it became very clear how much she loved to have visitors and family around. Her voice would light up on the phone if I mentioned I might come down. She loved it when people would gather or when she could share family news. Usually in about August she would start preparing for Christmas and thinking about how everyone would come visit… When family was together, Grandma was glowing like a house with all of its lights on. Her love for everyone, no matter what their faults or accomplishments were, was always illuminating and provided such a sense of happiness to everyone around her.

Lesson 7: The greatest lesson I learned from Grandma is the last one: enjoy the simple things in life. Although she was always ready to take a trip and explore the world on a moments notice, Mary Peterson was someone who enjoyed watching the Cubs play on television, talking to her family on the phone, and loved taking care of the people in her life. For these and many more reasons, we will miss her dearly.

Grandma surrounded by her grandchildren in 2006.

Dear village of Wasilla: We know where your idiot is

2008-09-22T20:24:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin makes me want to barf or maybe cry and this is why:

She is STUPID. Did you see the Bush Doctrine Interview? Yikes.

She reminds me that the Republican party is made up of a bunch of people that are anti-intellect, which scares the shit out of me when they are ONE of TWO major parties in this country. Think: 50/50 chance.

I hate her voice.

I hate her one liners that have no substance.

I hate how she says the name of her interviewer over, and over, and over. Kind of like she is trying to fill up time with extra "verbage" to save herself from being asked more questions she doesn't know how to answer.

I hate that she doesn't talk policy. What are we doing with a VP candidate that CANNOT talk policy?

I hate that she catagorizes herself as a "hockey mom".

She belittles community organizers while glorifying hockey moms.

I hate that she wears glasses just because they make her look smart, rather than pretty.

She lies. How many trouble-some things has the media recently dug up? Trooper-gate, Bridge to Nowhere, charging per diems from the state government while living at home? Shameless.

She is another right-wing moral crusader- but only on topics that she deems "important" like abortion- lying and bending the rules is just fine.

She reminds me of George W.: cute, stupid, and terribly cocky.

She knows nothing about foreign policy, the economy, or health care- all things that are of vital importance to the survival of our country currently.

Her 17 year old daughter is pregnant- maybe she should put some more energy into parenting and less energy into... her lipstick quotes.

People like her although she has no substance.

Most of all: she scares the living daylights out of me.

More Favorite Photos from the BWCA 2008

2008-09-19T21:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Boundary Waters....

2008-09-18T19:35:00.000-07:00

This post has been long coming and so I apologize, especially to my fellow adventurers.

Dear Boundary Waters,

It seems that every summer there is a chant from my head, no maybe my heart, that starts early and as the season goes on it gets steadily louder:

the sun on the water, stroke, stroke, stroke, the smell of the woods, clomp, clomp, clomp, the myriad of animals all around, stroke, stroke, stroke, the sound of the wind in the trees in the middle of the night, clomp, clomp, clomp, the silence that is all around, stroke, stroke, stroke, swimming in the cold water, clomp, clomp, clomp...

It continues and continues and only ends the first time I try to lift the Duluth Pack with all of our gear in it.

This year was no exception -- the pull of your glistening waters and fresh smells lured us to you once again... I have to admit, you did your fair share of playing hard to get... Strong head winds every day, lots of people our first day in, some horrible reports of bugs, bugs, and more bugs... I began lots of letters to you out loud and in my head as we were paddling into the wind, but as usual, I ended up falling in love with you all over again.

We decided on a different approach this year, and I was just waiting, waiting to decide that only some parts of your sprawling lands were nice... Not true, heading up the North Shore and up the Gunflint was a great decision and you granted us with beautiful, glorious weather the whole way through. Although our entry point was busy and our first lake had a few too many campsites on it, the tame portages and beautiful river and lake paddling was reassurance that we did like you.

Our first evening was a fabulous time of swimming, eating wild blueberry's from the island off our shores, and reading in the sun. Even the dinner of slightly charred beans and rice couldn't subdue the feeling of happiness and contentment that you spread over our campsite. (It was only Kodiak the Dog's arrival at our campsite that made me somewhat skeptical of the solace you had been offering relentlessly to me.)

The second day was exciting, we had been flexible in our plans and had not decided exactly which route we would take or where we would end up. Our wanderings brought us to a beautiful, deserted river of yours that we paddled on for much of the afternoon- beautiful cliffs, tall trees enticed us further and further. Even the portages around the rapids and smaller rivers were gorgeous... (Well, I am purposely blocking out the portage where there were two paths... thanks to SH for picking me up in the canoe).

The only point of crisis you presented us with that day were the white caps as we rounded on to Lake Alice, tired and with limited desire to paddle all the way back to campsites we had seen. Although I cursed you, your breezes weren't as bad as they appeared and we found a terrific campsite across Alice where we had good tent spots and an area of tree roots that were absolutely magical. These by the way, are the things- the unexpected beautiful surprises- Dearest Boundary Waters, that pull me to you every year.

Our third day included experiments with pancakes and dumplings, some beautiful morning paddling... ahem... against your winds... again, and some truly wonderful wildlife sightings: a group of playing otters, sunning turtles, a mink running along the shore, and the closest I have ever been to a Bald Eagle. There were the usual variety in Beav houses and lakes to explore and then we ended up back in Polly. It was a perfect afternoon- swimming in your cool waters after another sunny day followed by a quiet evening by the fire warmed up in our fleece and long-pants drinking warm beverages, reading and talking.

That night must have been the "seal the deal" package because we were honored with a cool, crisp night, a beautiful fire, a full moon glittering on the glassy lake, and a complete lack of the usual audible swarm of mosquitoes driving us to our tents. It was almost made me not want to go to sleep... You really turned on the charm.

Which I now know was just preparing us for your moody nature the following day... On our way back to the landing, your wind nearly caused me to curse you LOUDLY, the mud that I stepped into up to my thigh made me think nasty thoughts about you, and I will be honest, a few of the Surprise! This is PORTAGE! made me downright frustrated.... But in the end, I knew it was just you being you...

Our floating lunch on a picturesque little river, passing the peanut butter and discussing the Crystal Light packets with friends, helped me understand your allure... Not only is it beauty and a treat for all of our senses, but it is also valuable time to be ourselves, to spend time with our true friends, to share stories, long silences, funny memories, some butterscotch schnapps, and in the very end some Sven and Ole's Pizza (so yummy- even LEH agreed).

So, B.W. another season has come and gone. Thank you for sharing your splendor with us yet again, letting us see you in all of your lights, and most of all for remaining one of the places that I feel most content in this world.

Until next year, good-bye Dearest Boundary Waters,

Love,

KLOU

Nine months later: Success in the form of a check

2008-09-12T19:16:00.000-07:00

Remember my car crash this last winter? "I didn't see you coming" dude, my super-helpful insurance company, and my general anger over the entire situation last December?

The crash came down to a simple chain of events, for those of you who don't remember:

Me: driving in alley.

Jeep (with Dumbass at the wheel): pulls out, coming head on towards me.

Civic and Jeep about three feet apart.

Me: Split-second decision: Hit large truck or swerve car. Instincts screaming don't hit other cars, especially when the grill is at eye-level. Swerve executed.

Me: Anti-lock brakes whirring, tires sliding on ice, garage wall brings everything to a halt.

I did not believe the accident was my fault which put me in direct opposition to dumb-ass Jeep driver, my insurance agent, and Dumbass's insurance company. Even so, I demanded that my insurance company go after Dumbass's for part of my $1000 deductible. After much investigation (part of which was to determine if Dumbass's ~~story~~ lie, was legit), picture taking in the alley, insurance company haggling, and finally official arbitration between the insurance companies, I got a letter in the mail yesterday, September 11:

AHHHH! The sweet feeling of success.

As it turns out, it was ruled that I was not at fault in the crash. Had Dumbass not pulled out without looking, I would have continued the remaining 20 feet down the alley and been on my merry way. I would not have had to slam on my breaks and choose between him and garages, would not have skidded on ice, or been boxed in to a no-win situation.

Vindication! $1000 to repay my deductible, along with the other $4000 the insurance company paid to fix my car, along with the rental fee my insurance company gave to me every day of the four weeks my car was in the shop, along with the money it took my insurance company to repair the garage, will all be paid by Dumbass's insurance company, and you can bet, by Dumbass himself.

I think I would feel sad for him, had Dumbass not a) pretended he had nothing to do with me crashing b) had wanted to flee the scene "since there was less than $500 worth of damage" and c) lied on record to his insurance company about the configuration of his garage to the alley, the direction he was driving, and other miscellany "facts".

And as it also turns out, nearly nine months of waiting for an outcome does nothing to smother the sweet feeling of success.

Avoiding the "un-fun" and generally restrictive in some way

2008-09-08T18:36:00.000-07:00

You know how it is when you find something you really like, and for a while you can't really get enough of it? Well, I feel like that is what freedom has been like for me lately. I can't get enough of it- to the detriment of most other things: I don't want to blog, I don't want to email, I don't want to talk on the phone, in fact, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to go to meetings, I don't want to do yard work, and no, I don't want to do chores around the house.

This is what I have done for the last month while not wanting to do a lot other things- I have hung out with friends, I have read, I have slept (A LOT), I have watched movies, worked on projects, hung out with husband, gone for lots of runs and walks, and cooked/baked.

So now that it is nearly a full month since my moratorium on anything "un-fun", I am hoping my aversion to all of life's responsibilities and routines is going to wear off a bit. I have a lot of blog posts that I need to write, in fact, I have written many of them in my mind, I just haven't been able to sit down at the thing, the thing... that caused... SOOO much pain and write it down.

Well, I am back, I have broken the seal. There is nothing bad that happens when I sit down at the computer. Forth coming blogs: New York Times and IBS, Boundary Waters Review, Reflections on a run-away cat, and musings on my Mac. Stay tuned and sorry for the outage.