Reflections on cliff jumping and pregnancy
Long before I got pregnant I puzzled over the question of when it would feel like the right time. I was perplexed and yet comforted by the cliche that people would offer: "there will never be a perfect time, you just have to go for it." The subject always caused me to lament the loss of things like single time with husband, time to play sports and work out, and of course fit into all my clothes, not to mention time with all of my childless girlfriends.
Yet, as time moved on, I just had this slowly growing desire to be a mom, to have kids. At first it felt crazy to be so conflicted between two things I wanted: family and the maintenance of a carefree, self-centered life. But eventually, I had thought about "jumping off the cliff" so many times, and husband and I had talked about it so much, that I was just ready to do it (no pun intended) and stop thinking about it.
And you know what? I think I discovered one of the great paradoxes of pregnancy: that you are far more nervous thinking about it before hand, than just simply being pregnant. Once we took the leap, and discovered that I was, in fact, pregnant, I was no longer nervous. It was no longer a series of questions of 'if', 'when', and 'how', it just was...I think it is ultimately the shift from questioning to acceptance. And I don't mean that in a settling, "well, I might as well deal with it" way, I mean acceptance in the most simple and wonderful way of just letting go.
Early on I still worried about becoming out of shape, of not having time to see friends, and about missing out on many of the things that husband and I have enjoyed, but not as much. It became an awareness of changes and not just a bunch of empty 'what if' worries that nothing could be done about.
As my pregnancy has progressed, so has my delight in having a baby. I have realized how excited I am to be creating a human that is part me and part husband inside my own body. I have marveled at the fact that my body, without any external programming is building blood and bones, and eyeballs, and tiny little finger nails. I have been shocked and stunned by the fact that I have a living being inside of me this minute doing flips and kicking his legs to the point that my stomach changes shape. I can't wait to smell my baby, to hold him while he is sleeping, to stroke his soft skin. It seems that now that I have let my mind believe in those possibilities, they have in turn shaped new and exciting thoughts and realizations for me.
Again, tonight, I began to wonder if pregnancy actually changes your brain chemistry. Many of the things that I worried about even five months ago now seem a distant memory. I don't worry about not fitting into clothes, or not playing as much ultimate frisbee to nearly the same extent. Granted, not all things have changed: I am still glad that I will be a working mother, I still will want to spend time with girlfriends and have my own time with husband. I will miss not traveling or being less spontaneous, but I think the bigger thing is letting new excitements fill in so that you are not 'missing out' so much as you are doing different things for a while.
Recently a friend wrote to me with the following to say about kids: "I'm sure you've heard this lots but you are in for the best experience of your life! Motherhood is sometimes tough and almost always exhausting. It's expensive and time-consuming...and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world! It's also powerful, meaningful, and fulfilling beyond words."
Now as I look ahead, amazed as the changes that have taken place within me in such a short span of time, I can help but wonder what will be next. How will I feel when the baby is born? What will life look like to me a year from now? How will I think about all my worries and struggles about being pregnant? Hopefully, it will to be giggle at myself a bit and to say that same thing to other friends that my friend just said to me, and of course offer up the pregnancy cliche anytime I can.
Yet, as time moved on, I just had this slowly growing desire to be a mom, to have kids. At first it felt crazy to be so conflicted between two things I wanted: family and the maintenance of a carefree, self-centered life. But eventually, I had thought about "jumping off the cliff" so many times, and husband and I had talked about it so much, that I was just ready to do it (no pun intended) and stop thinking about it.
And you know what? I think I discovered one of the great paradoxes of pregnancy: that you are far more nervous thinking about it before hand, than just simply being pregnant. Once we took the leap, and discovered that I was, in fact, pregnant, I was no longer nervous. It was no longer a series of questions of 'if', 'when', and 'how', it just was...I think it is ultimately the shift from questioning to acceptance. And I don't mean that in a settling, "well, I might as well deal with it" way, I mean acceptance in the most simple and wonderful way of just letting go.
Early on I still worried about becoming out of shape, of not having time to see friends, and about missing out on many of the things that husband and I have enjoyed, but not as much. It became an awareness of changes and not just a bunch of empty 'what if' worries that nothing could be done about.
As my pregnancy has progressed, so has my delight in having a baby. I have realized how excited I am to be creating a human that is part me and part husband inside my own body. I have marveled at the fact that my body, without any external programming is building blood and bones, and eyeballs, and tiny little finger nails. I have been shocked and stunned by the fact that I have a living being inside of me this minute doing flips and kicking his legs to the point that my stomach changes shape. I can't wait to smell my baby, to hold him while he is sleeping, to stroke his soft skin. It seems that now that I have let my mind believe in those possibilities, they have in turn shaped new and exciting thoughts and realizations for me.
Again, tonight, I began to wonder if pregnancy actually changes your brain chemistry. Many of the things that I worried about even five months ago now seem a distant memory. I don't worry about not fitting into clothes, or not playing as much ultimate frisbee to nearly the same extent. Granted, not all things have changed: I am still glad that I will be a working mother, I still will want to spend time with girlfriends and have my own time with husband. I will miss not traveling or being less spontaneous, but I think the bigger thing is letting new excitements fill in so that you are not 'missing out' so much as you are doing different things for a while.
Recently a friend wrote to me with the following to say about kids: "I'm sure you've heard this lots but you are in for the best experience of your life! Motherhood is sometimes tough and almost always exhausting. It's expensive and time-consuming...and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world! It's also powerful, meaningful, and fulfilling beyond words."
Now as I look ahead, amazed as the changes that have taken place within me in such a short span of time, I can help but wonder what will be next. How will I feel when the baby is born? What will life look like to me a year from now? How will I think about all my worries and struggles about being pregnant? Hopefully, it will to be giggle at myself a bit and to say that same thing to other friends that my friend just said to me, and of course offer up the pregnancy cliche anytime I can.
posted by KLOU | 6:59 PM
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