Working Mama: Take One
This week, I will become a working mama. This change has been haunting me for quite a while and all too soon it is now just a day away. Although I have accepted it is going to happen, I have been really sad about it. I feel like something important is slipping away, I feel conflicted, I feel like my heart will break when I only get to see my baby boy a few hours out of each day.
The hardest part about all of this is that I have few friends who can really understand this experience (and consequently help me through it). Like most things in motherhood, this is something that can only be truly understood after you have gone through it yourself. Of the friends of mine who are mothers, few have gone back to work.
The thing is that I love my job. I have a lot of work to do before my students return this fall. I am excited about it. I like the program I manage, I love the students I work with, and I like the challenge of it all. I feel extremely lucky to have made a career change successfully before Baby B came along. My job, although not as fun as having free time, is pretty enjoyable. I know that I am meant to be out in the world, working towards a better life for others.
So although I can't wait to get back, I also can't imagine what it will be like to not spend every day with the Benji-man. We have seldom been apart in his first three months and I am sad that I won't be with him as he is trying to learn how to nap in a different bed and deal with all of the changes that are about to hit him. Knowing that I cannot be the one he wakes up to, snuggles with, and smiles at all day long makes me want to apologize to him. When I think about it, I feel like a part of myself will be missing during the day now. There is no better word for it all than heart break.
I always return to the fact that in the long run I would not enjoy being a stay-at-home mom. Already this summer being home has left me often feeling lonely and a bit isolated and sometimes even bored. Although I have a mommy network, it is not enough for me. I still itch to use my brain, to pursue adult things rather than planning enriching activities for Benji all day. I really admire people who can stay home, can be that self-contained, and who find great fulfillment in it. I just know I am not one of those people. So the going back to work has to happen eventually.
Oh, the mental gymnastics... Thank God for Mom and Baby Friends. I just got an email from another mom who is going back to work from the group this summer:
It's my last week off and I'm having a hard time thinking of going back to work. 12 weeks really went fast and my littly guy is growing up so fast. :( We moved Kai to a crib, I'm weaning off the breastfeeding and now I'm not going to be with him all day anymore. I think I'm a little hormonal but having a tough time with the situation. Would be good to chat with you all...
The irony is that those of us who are going back, now don't have much time to get together to commiserate...Most of the moms I know who have gone back assure me that the first week is the worst and after that it all gets better. I have a feeling that on Tuesday I may need to "cry it out" and just try to focus on why I am glad to be back at work. I know that all day long I will be fighting the urge to call and check up on him. I am no good with transitions and this one just feels very unnatural.
I will update after a week of working mama-dom. Wish me luck!
The hardest part about all of this is that I have few friends who can really understand this experience (and consequently help me through it). Like most things in motherhood, this is something that can only be truly understood after you have gone through it yourself. Of the friends of mine who are mothers, few have gone back to work.
The thing is that I love my job. I have a lot of work to do before my students return this fall. I am excited about it. I like the program I manage, I love the students I work with, and I like the challenge of it all. I feel extremely lucky to have made a career change successfully before Baby B came along. My job, although not as fun as having free time, is pretty enjoyable. I know that I am meant to be out in the world, working towards a better life for others.
So although I can't wait to get back, I also can't imagine what it will be like to not spend every day with the Benji-man. We have seldom been apart in his first three months and I am sad that I won't be with him as he is trying to learn how to nap in a different bed and deal with all of the changes that are about to hit him. Knowing that I cannot be the one he wakes up to, snuggles with, and smiles at all day long makes me want to apologize to him. When I think about it, I feel like a part of myself will be missing during the day now. There is no better word for it all than heart break.
I always return to the fact that in the long run I would not enjoy being a stay-at-home mom. Already this summer being home has left me often feeling lonely and a bit isolated and sometimes even bored. Although I have a mommy network, it is not enough for me. I still itch to use my brain, to pursue adult things rather than planning enriching activities for Benji all day. I really admire people who can stay home, can be that self-contained, and who find great fulfillment in it. I just know I am not one of those people. So the going back to work has to happen eventually.
Oh, the mental gymnastics... Thank God for Mom and Baby Friends. I just got an email from another mom who is going back to work from the group this summer:
It's my last week off and I'm having a hard time thinking of going back to work. 12 weeks really went fast and my littly guy is growing up so fast. :( We moved Kai to a crib, I'm weaning off the breastfeeding and now I'm not going to be with him all day anymore. I think I'm a little hormonal but having a tough time with the situation. Would be good to chat with you all...
The irony is that those of us who are going back, now don't have much time to get together to commiserate...Most of the moms I know who have gone back assure me that the first week is the worst and after that it all gets better. I have a feeling that on Tuesday I may need to "cry it out" and just try to focus on why I am glad to be back at work. I know that all day long I will be fighting the urge to call and check up on him. I am no good with transitions and this one just feels very unnatural.
I will update after a week of working mama-dom. Wish me luck!
posted by KLOU | 8:35 PM
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