Family Circus, the fun continues...

Yesterday, I became an aunt. My sister gave birth to a baby girl named Emma.

Although, I heard this news through my mom, and my sister and I don't talk, I felt a sense of love and pride instantly for her. I was totally fascinated as my mom described that Emma has the signature hammer-pinkie toe and fat ear lobes of our family (lovely, I know).

I also felt sympathy for my sister as I heard that the baby had to be suctioned out while my sister was giving birth and that the baby had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck. Emma is now a cone head for a little while with huge bruises and swelling due to her not so graceful entrance into the world.

So the next question out of every one's mouth is: "When will you get to see the baby?"

Regardless of her having just had a baby, I know that having a relationship with my sister is like having a good friendship with a piece of cardboard or a stick. Throughout my life I have tried to be the "bigger" person who can give with out ever getting anything back. I have always swooped in and helped her graduate from high school, lied for her, tried to make her take her meds, and have taken care of her messes- big and small- only in return to realize unreturned phone calls and utterly horrible treatment. Sometime around getting publicly humiliated at her wedding this last year, I decided I was tired of paying penance for her jealousy of me.

I can't take back always getting good grades, being successful at the university, and in my teaching career. I can't help how she has perceived me, because I have made plenty of mistakes and do not see myself as flawless. I can't help if mom bragged of my accomplishments so as to motivate her, I never wanted that. I can't help being the 'responsible one' and always being loved best by Grandpa (I am not even going to deny this one). I can't help being successful now in grad school, this is just how I choose to live my life. I have never tried to compete with her, I just felt she would find her own way or follow in my footsteps, but either way to live a separate life. She has always been way more pretty and relaxed than me. Why want what I have?

Anyways, I have been able to rationalize not having a relationship with her recently because I just end up feeling badly no matter what. She makes me feel badly for being who I am. I have lovely brothers and now a brother in law who are wonderful siblings to me. I also have wonderful friends and relatives who tell me it is not my fault, that my sister needs to grow up.

Today, I am realizing just how much harder it is now that she is replicated into a beautiful new human being who deserves loves from everyone, even her estranged, strange aunt. Am I a heartless person if I let this child grow up without knowing her, or am I being heartless to myself to continue to believe that I will ever have a relationship with my sister that doesn't involve disliking myself?

My mom did a terrific job today of "simplifying" for me by saying:
"Well, you will have to talk to your sister if you ever want to see that baby. I am staying out of it... You know that she believes that you will have to be the one to make the first move, so I guess it is up to you."

There my mom and sister go again, putting the 'fun' back in dysfunctional! I don't know if I can rationalize jumping back into that, aunt or not.