Thoughts on Mary Rae Peterson, April 7, 1919- September 22, 2008

On Monday morning, my grandma, Mary Peterson, died. I have cried and cried, but I have also quietly rejoiced. She had outlived her mind. With a degenerative brain disease she slowly lost all the bits of her personality, her sight, her ability to speak, her ability to reason with emotion, her ability to remember things, and eventually even her ability to swallow.

I was very close to both my Grandma and Grandpa who lived in Illinois while I was growing up. My mom was a teacher which meant that we spent a lot of time staying with them in the summer, at Christmas time, and during most other vacations. My grandparents were like second parents to me, because my mom was a single parent and I was a child of a divorce at such a young age, they took extra care to spend time with me and to nurture me.

My grandma was a special woman. Nice to everyone, but also very determined. She had very soft skin, always smelled the same, hummed quietly most of the time, and ate spearmint life-savers. She had a purse always stocked for every eventuality, and was extremely thoughtful. She swam a mile a day and played golf and bridge with many of her friends. She volunteered all the time and knew everyone in the small town where she and my grandfather raised their three daughters. She was an extremely accomplished seamstress and at needlepoint.

When I was in college, I was closer to Grandma and Grandpa than home. I often would head down for a weekend surrounded by family (my aunt and uncle also ran a restaurant in town and many of my cousins live nearby in Chicago) and to find some down time. I would bring laundry and get great sleep and food. Eventually, however, I would head down to help out. I would do things my Grandma could no longer, I would go to spend time with both of them, I would drive around and do errands for them and work in their yard. It was heart breaking to leave at the end of the weekend and know how sad they were that I was leaving.

Seven years ago my Grandpa died and it was hard on everyone, especially my Grandma. She eventually had to move into a nursing home and she made the best of it, but didn't like it. I think my grieving process began for my Grandma as she began to have a harder and harder time keeping details straight and maintaining relationships. She could still remember when I was four and had the chicken pox over the fourth of July at her house, but she couldn't remember much about day to day life. She would often cry and become very confused. I could still go and sit with her, to smell her smell, feel her soft hands, and look at pictures with her, but slowly I lost the very personal connection we had had. It was painful.

In the last year I had begun praying that she would let herself die, something she had always seemed to be very frightened of even though she was a very faithful Presbyterian. Her body wouldn't let go, and she seemed a prisoner in a life that was nothing like her former vibrant life. She spent days crying, not recognizing her daughters, and lashing out at nurses. I didn't want to remember her like that, and thankfully, I don't much.

I will miss her terribly, but that is nothing new. I have missed her for a couple of years now. I will always miss going to the Y with her at 5:30 in the morning, and getting ready for bed with her, and riding my big wheel around her driveway, and shopping with her, and helping her with dinner... and about a thousand other things, mostly just talking to her.

I currently have tears streaming down my face, but I am crying for only myself and the many people whom she touched. I am cheering on the inside for her now, undoubtedly in the company of my Grandpa, my Uncle Don, and many of her sisters and brothers. She deserves a wonderful existence now.

Below is the memorial I wrote and read at her funeral on Friday. I hope you read it and it reminds you of someone you dearly love like I loved her.

My grandma, Mary Peterson, had a happy life surrounded by friends and family. Through her actions she taught many of us, some important lessons in life. I’d like to share seven lessons she taught me that tell a lot about her.

Lesson 1: Use it or lose it. Whether it was 18 holes of golf several times a week, or her early morning swims at the YMCA, Mary Peterson was an active older woman. When I was young and she would let me join her at the Y, driving through the early morning darkness and watching her talk to all of her swimming buddies, I was in awe. She taught me to be committed to exercise, to enjoy it, and always exercise in the company of friends.

Lesson 2: Waste not, want not. Grandma was a meticulous house-keeper and an ingenious user of stuff- I often remember her washing baseboards and reorganizing closets. She always had everything in boxes, perfectly labeled, often held shut with, of all things, the old waistbands of my grandfather’s underpants. I used to think this was a bit silly, but looking back I appreciate all the ways that she used what was available, and was always creative in how to re-use household items. It was my freshman year in college when she sent me a small box containing a miniature Christmas tree, and right on the box, written in permanent marker were directions about how I should store the tree in the box and take care of the small ornaments to make sure it lasted many seasons. 12 years later I still have both the box and the tree.

Lesson 3: Leave the world a little bit more beautiful than you found it. Grandma was a talented sewer and taught me the value of being able to do needlepoint and mend. I only wish more of her skill had rubbed off on me. I can still imagine her chair in the living room always with a sewing project on the table next to it, a dish full of discarded thread, and her special sewing light. I am grateful for all the fruits of her labor that she left behind. My own house, as well as all the houses of my relatives are decorated with the cross-stitching samplers she made commemorating our births, our marriages, or special accomplishments. In fact, it is from the sampler she made that hung in my house growing up that I learned the Lord’s prayer. It is very fitting then that when I did move into my own apartment, one of her gifts was a fully stocked, small sewing box that I still use today.

Lesson 4: Make friends where ever you go. Grandma always demonstrated for me that strangers were really friendly. Wherever we went in Dixon, whether it was to the department store, the Y, McDonalds, Church, or the Grocery store, Grandma talked to everyone. She had friends in all the businesses around town. She would stop and talk, and if they mentioned things that they cared about she would make sure to bring them little gifts when she visited them. When I was in town, I always felt like a celebrity because she would be so proud and excited to introduce me to all of her friends. They would always know so much about me – it was clear that she loved to spread the love and news of her family with all of her friends.

Lesson 5: Be a collector and a gift-giver. Grandma kept track of the details of people’s lives, of the special things that they liked, and she loved giving gifts. Grandma was always collecting things for people she cared about. Each year we received things that we liked from a collection: Christmas ornaments, Noritake Easter Eggs, or ceramic lighthouses that came every year for birthdays and Christmas without fail. She also collected smaller things, when I would visit at Christmas time, in the summers, or weekends from college she would have a small pile of valuable or not so valuable things waiting for me every time. Thankfully they were not often things like elastic from underpants, but instead were shampoo samples, coupons, hair bands, and other small gifts I appreciated. These small or large things have left a legacy behind her, reminding us of how much she thought about all the people in her life.

Lesson 6: Family is important. Especially towards the end of Grandma’s life it became very clear how much she loved to have visitors and family around. Her voice would light up on the phone if I mentioned I might come down. She loved it when people would gather or when she could share family news. Usually in about August she would start preparing for Christmas and thinking about how everyone would come visit… When family was together, Grandma was glowing like a house with all of its lights on. Her love for everyone, no matter what their faults or accomplishments were, was always illuminating and provided such a sense of happiness to everyone around her.

Lesson 7: The greatest lesson I learned from Grandma is the last one: enjoy the simple things in life. Although she was always ready to take a trip and explore the world on a moments notice, Mary Peterson was someone who enjoyed watching the Cubs play on television, talking to her family on the phone, and loved taking care of the people in her life. For these and many more reasons, we will miss her dearly.

Grandma surrounded by her grandchildren in 2006.