One Year Later: Lessons of the Journey

Almost exactly a year ago, I got pregnant with the boy we now know as Benji. Even now, looking back, it seems like such a monumental decision. When people ask about how it came down to our decision to begin trying (or more like not actively trying against) I still don't quite know what to say... There was a lot of discussion for the entire year ahead of time... What things would we miss, what would being parents be like, what would change, when would be the best time.... Just like a zillion other couples we talked endlessly about all the things that would be impacted by that simple choice not to use contraception...and then have a baby.

The part that makes me laugh is that seems like an eternity ago. Most of all, I feel incredibly relieved to no longer feel the pressure of that decision. There is no longer all the wondering about how things will work out. Now they just are. I have climbed the mountain and know what it looks like from the top.

What I can't help wanting to tell friends who remain childless and are no doubt weighing THE decision is that the whole thing is a learning process, a letting go process, and a making-peace-with-what-ever-happens-process. In retrospect one of the most powerful lessons that I learned in the last year is that in an era of total control, instant gratification, and constant information, pregnancy and childbirth is a lesson in not knowing and in rolling with the changes. And in the end, out of that comes the serendipity and inexplicable, indescribable joy in life.

So for those of you out there who feel no need to have children: there is no judgment from me. I support people's individual decisions and deeply believe that not everyone is supposed to be a parent. However, for those of you silently contemplating, waiting in the wings for others ahead of you to take the plunge, fearing the loss of your figure, your dink-y lifestyle, and your robust social calendar, remember these things while you contemplate:

You are never READY to have a baby. There is always more you could do without a little friend making everything more complex. At some point though, you just have to choose to get off the treadmill and give up your climate-controlled life. You won't fall apart, in fact, you may be surprised that you end up being a better person with more flexibility and compassion.

After a baby you are more accepting of all the ways that people are just doing the best that they can. If you haven't already, you will learn how to be more patient with your self and to let go of that obnoxious perfectionism (that drives everyone around you nuts anyways.)


You are giving some things up when you have a baby. Get used to it. (You won't miss them as nearly much as you think you will.) You are gaining more than you will ever know.

Don't wait so long to start. You will look back and wonder why you did. There are no guarantees in this life and nothing goes according to plan. Grandparents and other important people won't live forever.


This is one of the most amazing things you will ever do in life. No matter who you are, the feeling of bringing another person in to the world is absolutely incredible. Don't be afraid of it, embrace the privilege of it all.

You may never look exactly the same as you did prior to carrying a child inside of you for almost ten months. Somehow though, it doesn't matter quite as much how you look in a bikini anymore. The stretch marks on your stomach are not marks of failure but rather the pride you feel in your physical and mental strength.

And, oh, good luck when the time comes for you. I along with all the other parents in the world will be cheering for you.