Twenty Four

When I was turning twenty four I was not liking life. I was worried about not finding a teaching job for the following fall, not knowing where I was going to end up, Eric, the guy I was dating was experiencing serious depression and anxiety and so was my friend Kayt. It seemed like life was going a bit haywire- and it was all so confusing at times! I remember plenty of talks on DrMI's bed in our apartment.

Early in the spring Eric and I had decided we would like to stay together, so he was willing to move to where I was going to find a job. I had decided I would accept a job in one of three cities and he agreed. We weren't going to live together, but the thought of going to a new city with someone else at that point seemed attractive. Well, as the say the best laid plans... we ended up breaking up in June or sometime in the summer(?). These things happen for a reason but at the time, it just doesn't always seem like it. By that point I of course had already accepted a job in Milwaukee for the following fall. So I went alone. That summer was fun, though. I remember trips to the union, hanging out with DrMI and a few other people we knew.

So at the end of the summer, DrMI packed up to head back to Duluth for a Master's program and I packed up to move into my first 'real' apartment by myself. I had found this wonderful apartment in a really old building with the help of my friend KCL- and it was a great deal. It was a really lucky find- huge, tons of character, and only once in awhile would I be woken up by my loud-sex next door neighbor.

Once my parents and DrMI left, it was just Leo and I in a brand new city. I don't know if I can do justice to how freaked out I was at that point. The only thing I can say is that thinking about it still makes me not feel good. I was terrified. Not of being alone, just for starting a brand new job that I felt unprepared for, with no friends or family around, and not even knowing how to get to the mall or where to buy groceries.

I was going to be teaching AP World History that fall. I had never even taken a world history class in college-individual classes about different countries or periods - but not enough that I felt like I was going to know what to teach about. The other thing that made it difficult was the fact the class had never been taught anywhere in the country before this. I was on my own. I had also been told that the school I was going to teach at was undergoing some 'changes'- later I found this out to be 'race or class wars'. Why had I taken this job? Even though I was super freaked out, I did meet a lot of really nice people when I started teacher training. I was a new teacher along with two other guys that were my age- we started hanging out a lot just out of pure terror I think.

The weekend before the first day of school, I went back to Madison to meet my aunt and uncle and Eric for a Badger Football game. I remember I had just gotten my first cell phone and didn't really know when to take it with me and had left it in the car. Well, it turns out my mom had tried calling me all day, and when I got her tearful message on the phone that night I knew something was wrong instantly. My Grandpa had died unexpectedly that morning. He and I had been very close. It was devastating. I honestly don't remember much of the next few days.

The first day of school I had to explain to my classes that I was going to be gone for the second day of school for the funeral. I should have taken more time, but I was just so freaked out. I just drove there for the funeral and then came back. It was like I was in robot mode. For months afterwards, I would have moments of intense grief that I don't think I had dealt with in September. I remember not wanting to be alone while I cried, but that crying with my family over the phone was almost more lonely.

I really liked the staff at the high school where I worked and we always went out for drinks on Friday afternoon. It was helpful to really understand the school where I worked and the city I lived in my listening to the other teachers talk about it. Sometimes I would hang out with the guys I was hired with, but most of the time I would return to my apartment and Leo on Friday with the knowledge that I would not see anyone I knew again until Monday morning. I sometimes thought about trying to find ways to get out, but mostly just worked, and worked, and worked. I knew nothing and had entire periods of history to learn about. I read over 4,000 pages that year, just sitting in my apartment. Looking back I can't even believe it, but I didn't have cable, I didn't have internet at home, I rented movies once in a while, but that was it. I just worked all the time. I literally almost lived in my classroom. I lost somewhere between 15-20 pounds that year, I think I just didn't eat, but can't really remember.

I was most thankful for my family that year. Going to holidays was such a relief from loneliness and work. It was great to know that I was loved and that there were people who knew me. On the few weekends that I did get to go up to Duluth, there were always fun things planned- that year my step brother, J.R. who was getting his pilots license brought me flying up past my favorite lighthouse, Split Rock on the Northshore. It was a blast.

There were the strange events that I am just remembering now- briefly dating another teacher I worked with, another teacher I was hired with being madly in love with me, going to see my principle's wife teach in Appleton(?), going to a Martin Sexton concert with Alex, the staff Christmas party, horrible parents harassing me about grades and my "racist curriculum"- (their contention was that I shouldn't be teaching about the slave trade) , the list goes on...

I remember that year that I just kept thinking that if I could make it through February (my hatred of that month started this year) and March everything would be better. I just wanted spring to come, and especially that summer. Luckily that spring things did start to look up.