The life and times of a two-timing mommy

This last Thursday morning when I went to get Benjamin out of his crib, I knew right away something was wrong. He was sort of laying and moaning in his crib with big rosy cheeks.

He had a high fever. Higher than he has ever had-- 102.5 under the arm. So we put him in the bath to cool him down and scrambled around to make plans to keep him home with us for the day. I took the morning shift so that I could make it to an important awards luncheon that my office project had been nominated for. I was nervous to miss the morning portion, but also didn't want John to have to miss a full day at his job either.

Once it was 8 am, I called the clinic. I got an appointment for the afternoon and also talked to the nurse on the nurse line. She assured me that even though B's fever was high, that by not giving him Tylenol it would give it a chance to really work to fight off the sickness. It made sense. So we spent the morning lying low and snuggling on the couch.

I made it to the luncheon alright. I was glad to have been home with Benji but also felt torn about missing the morning sessions of the conference. This event is a once a year event where many of the practitioners in my field come together to learn and network. There are a lot of people that I have relationships with that I knew would be there and would be great to catch up with. I was glad to have made it there for the second half of the day.

After the luncheon, I ran into one my friends who was there and who also recently became a mother. She rushed up to me to say that she had been hoping to see me, but had to run because she had just gotten a call that her son had had a really bad allergic reaction and she had to go get him. I shared that I had been gone all morning because of Benji's illness. It was funny to walk away from that interaction and realize that although I was concerned for her son and family that I was in a small way relieved that other people also deal with with the same pulls of being a working mom. It is tough just for the challenge of balancing your time, your priorities, and of course, never feeling like you can give your all to anything. Most of all it is a bit isolating and it is hard to remember that beneath the surface lots of us are struggling to do both. Ironically, we just don't have time to give it much lip service... so we continue to feel alternatively guilty and okay about it all.

An hour or so later, I got a call that scared me to death and something I never want to hear again. Jff called from the ambulance- he and Benji were on their way to the Children's Hospital ER. At his doctor's appointment, B's fever had spiked and he had had was is called a fibrile seizure or a fever seizure. He had seized right in John's arms.

I raced out of work and made it to the hospital just a few minutes after they were admitted. Although I knew that John had had fever seizures several times when he was a toddler, it was very scary.  While I was frantically driving to the hospital, I reflected that even though I feel a very strong tug from work, when things really get serious, there is nothing so important as my son's health and well-being.

Benji was released after some pretty traumatic experiences with a cathader and an IV.  I left the hospital with my boys and a powerful reminder that work is work. And that it is never really as important as it seems.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat. A wonderful life.

Routines, rituals, patterns. We all have them. Those of us with kids have them hard-wired into our lives. I have been thinking about this recently, because with an eleven month old routines are the spice of life, or rather my bread and butter. They are what keeps the kid, thus me, sane. That being said, as much as I like predictability, wow, sometimes I miss the days of fill in the blank instead of multiple choice questions. 

But then today as I was thinking about the evening routine at our house I realized that, strangely, out of routine comes meaning, and then memory... So in the end, it is the routine, the tradition that makes the special moments shine.

Every night when we get home from work with the sweet, sweet boy here is what happens:

1. I spend the first ten minutes with him hugging, kissing, and giving him loving touches. I miss him so much during the day and am soooo excited to see him, I can't help it. He is so lovable and will pat me and smile for about the first three minutes and the last seven are him entertaining himself while his dad and I fawn over him. Tough life, huh?

2. Play. Lately outside as much as possible. Crawling on the sidewalk, walking with the walker, picking up leaves, trying to eat them, ripping them apart, stalking the kitty, and pointing at air plaines as they pass over. Every day this is a little different because he changing soooo fast. Tonight he learned how to hold his feet up so when he is sitting on his little bike/push toy, I can push him along. (It is absolutely, totally engaging to watch him figure stuff like this out every time we play).

3. Dinner. In the highchair, bib on, hands up, cut up food on the tray. Black beans, avocado, corn, bits of cheese, and peaches are currently the niblets of choice, but he will try anything. Drinks of water and feeding him meals that are mushy enough to be fed by spoon. This takes the better part of an hour. Hose off, sometimes bath (a whole other routine for that), or sometimes just a vigorous wash cloth rinse by dad.

4. More play if there is time. In the bath, dance party, or pulling everything out of the bookshelf in his room.

5. At seven on the dot we usually start the PJ routine. Change diaper. Tickle and blow on the tummy until there is great amount of laughter and commotion. Both mom and dad engage here, but dad carries the torch for best tickling by far. Long-sleeve onesie, footy pjs, and yes, another routine. The Medicine routine...Singing the "medi-song" which gets Ben to open his mouth and take the medicine (while smiling) like  a champ.

6. 7:10 Benji and Dad pick out books to read. Jff literally picks out six books and says, 'do you want to read "Sticks" or "Chicka, Chicka, Boom, Boom"?' And Ben smacks the one he wants to read. They settle in to the rocking chair in Benji's room with the yellow blanket and the three chosen books, usually "Kufflebunny" last.

8. When the books are all done, they call for "Mama!" and Benji gives me a great big smile when I walk into the room. Hooray! It is time for milk and by now he is usually doing the sign for it as I settle into the chair. As we are getting comfortable, Dad says the good night prayer that he used to say when he was little.

9. We do the good night feed in the dark and by the end he is a rag doll. I put him on my shoulder for the walk over the crib, while I wait for the burp. I linger with his soft cheek against mine, his little breath rhythmically coming out in little bursts, smelling his sweet little boy scent. There is nothing better than this in all the world.

10. 7:30. I put him in the crib with his blanket. He makes a little sound of contentedness, grabs his blanket up to his face, and rolls on to his side. I tell him I love him and I will see him in the morning. He is out.

11. I close his door, take a deep breath and get ready, to get ready for the next day, all the while loving my life, no matter how routine it is right now. It is the little moments in all of this routine that make my heart sing and reminds me how lucky I am to GET to do this with my own child. Truthfully, I can't wait for him to wake up and start all over again tomorrow.

On Blogging

Wow, well would you look at that... My blog is still here. Amazing.  I often have experiences during the day where I think, 'I should really blog about that' and then, well you know the rest: I don't. Mostly that is because someone or something has hijacked all of my free time. But, enough about that. I have other things I must get to. See you!

I'm the Hippo

The article, "Is my kids making me not smart?" had husband and I rolling this evening. Although I am not a stay at home mom, I feel like I can relate to much more of this article than what is healthy. "So you see--- I'm the hippo." Brilliant.

As good as it gets

Written 11/10/09

I am not going to lie… that once in a while I envy moms who stay home. Not because it is easy, but just because it is simpler… They get all the time they want with their little one during the day and then when dad comes home they can go see friends, go to the gym, etc without losing out on time with the most important person to them. They don’t have to partake in the constant craziness of managing both work and home – never feeling like you can do enough in either place.

Working moms constantly have to choose: more effort at work and less effort at home? More of a social life and less time with my child? More me time and less family time? More exercise time and less time to make healthy meals? The choices are constant and not easy…

That is why I have felt so lucky this week: husband has made it possible for me NOT to have to choose, I have been able to do both.  This week we are in North Carolina for both vacation and work.  I was faced with the dilemma of a required work conference and continuing to nurse Benji (not to mention leaving him for 4 days). So husband agreed to accompany me and the boy to North Carolina- take vacation from his job, care for Benji while I am working, and be away from home for this week.

Although the retreat center where we are staying is not the easiest place to care for a baby (no television, wifi, refrigerators in the rooms), husband has stuck around so that on every break from the conference I have been able to run up a flight of stairs to our room and spend time with both husband and Benji (including nursing). He has been completely beholden to the schedule of the conference and done a marvelous job doing interesting things with our son.

I have been able to be completely focused on whatever I am doing for a change. While I am in sessions, or like today, leading a session, I was able to be completely on, engaged and energized by the work I do and the people I do it with. When I am not in the conference, I am able to enjoy being a family with the boys, playing, laughing, snuggling, and being on vacation. Today as I was talking with a colleague, we ran into husband and Benji in the main area of the lodge. My colleague, like many other people here, cooed and sweet-talked Benjamin. It all felt completely normal to be discussing family and work in the same paragraph. I got to see him while I was also engaged in real adult conversation about something that mattered to me. I have to say it felt like something more moms should be able to experience.

So tonight as I reflected on the realities of my life right now, I couldn’t help but feel so lucky. I know that I wouldn’t REALLY want to be home every day, no matter how much simpler it might make things. I like my job and feel engaged by the work I do. I have supportive family-helpers. I have friends who have supported me through returning to work (and a few who have shown me how it is done). Most of all, I have a husband helps me juggle mommy-hood with a career, even when it means traveling across the country with us.

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween!! Benjamin is celebrating today by wearing his penguin suit.

This morning Benjamin and I met a friend out for lunch at Cafe Twenty-Eight. Delish Fried Egg Sandwich and Garlic Tomato soup!! What a cute little restaurant. After late breakfast/ early lunch we headed next door to the Wild Rumpus bookstore. Benjamin didn't have as much patience as I did, but we had a great time looking at the animals (birds, 4 tail-less cats, a reptile, 2 chinchillas, rats, and ferretts) and all the beautiful books. Now we are off for a little Halloween party with our Mom and Baby friends. Can't wait to see all the babies that have grown up!

Hope you all have fun trick or treating tonight!

Vanishing Acts

I really have about ten other things I could be doing right now, but I have a few things on my mind to share.

Tonight I finished ready Jodi Picoult's book, Vanishing Acts. It is only my second Picoult novel (after reading the first one- the title escapes me - about the young couple murder/suicide story, I swore I would never read another one) and again, I am not sure if I will read another of her books. I can't quite explain it but they are so laden with grief, with foreboding, with unhappiness. I end up feeling emotionally drained after reading. I also think a lot about what pushes her to continually explore the gray area between right and wrong and do so with many of the same scenarios: children growing up together and turning into lovers, a search for identity, a jail stay by someone you would never expect, unhealthy romantic relationships... I could go on. Regardless, the book was entertaining but also not what I would probably chose to read again...At points it made me feel physically ill thinking of losing Benjamin.

Another rash of pregnancies. Spreading like wild-fire and I love it! Can't wait for more little kiddos to be a part of our life (not to mention our social scene). I also have to admit here that once you are pregnant it is totally easy to guess when someone else is pregnant, and it is hard to wait to get the official word. Most notable of the latest pregnancies are: a) my sister with her second, due in April. I am super excited that Benji will have another cousin and that Emma will have a sibling. b)a couple that husband I met about a year ago now through another couple that we know. I remember being at a Christmas party with them last year and having them both pepper us with questions about being pregnant and our plans for having a baby. Congratulations to them! My how time flies, now we have a six-month-old.

Speaking of the six-month-old, I keep thinking I should post some of my reflections on being a mother here, but duh! I have no time. I remind myself that I need to write them down, lest it is so easy to forget the thoughts that we have about the precious times in our lives. Needless to say, I am in awe that Benji is already almost six-months, they time has flown by. I am in awe of how much I love him. I am in awe of how much I love being a mother. I am in awe of how much I love being a family of three. I am in awe of how very different life looks from this vantage point.

Today, I stayed home with Benji. Normally husband and I work from home together on Wednesdays and tag team all day. I had comp time built up from some late nights where I didn't get to see him and Jff had some pressing out-of-the-house things to do for work today, so I was a stay-at-home-mom for the day today. It was great. Benji and I went for a walk around the lake and it rained the entire time. He slept in the BOB and stayed very dry and cozy in his fleece snow suit and I wore a combo soft-shell/hard shell coat and got soaked, but it was nice to be out. Although I love my job, I sincerely wish to work one less day a week so that I could have a four-day work week every week to do things like walk and spend time during the day with the boy, but for now it doesn't fit with the position I have. So, I will just have to hope that by the time we have our second, something will have shifted that will make it easier to go part-time in my position.

A group of us that took a mom and baby class together this summer are in the process of planning another gathering and I am excited to see all of Benji's little buds. I really like the moms and hope that we will all stay in touch in the long run so our kids will know each other.

Lastly, Benjamin's baptism this last weekend was great. I really enjoyed it and he did wonderfully. It was fun to have so much family there to celebrate with us. I am also glad it is over, it was just another thing in a long list of events this fall that have made the weekends crazy. Benji celebrated his baptism by cutting his first tooth!