Leaving it behind...

Sometimes life has a way of reminding you that you have made some of the right turns along the way. I like that. It is a reminder that even though it may not always feel like it that you have your head on straight, you still have managed to steer (mostly) clear of stupid people and situations.

Yesterday at our last indoor winter frisbee game of the season there were several reminders of this. There are always two teams out of about 25 that I really don't like playing and we were playing one of them, and playing right next to the other one last night.

One team has my ex-boy friend, SL on it. I don't think I would mind this so much if he wasn't such a spaz about it. But every year and every season that we play his team he is mysteriously gone for that game. When we happen to run into each other during other points in the season, he either acts super weird or has obviously put a lot of thought into when exactly he will approach me and what he will say. As far as I am concerned: let it go, buddy. I was so over you approximately three minutes after we broke up. All that you indicate to me is that it is still all sadly a big drama for you.

The other team is the one I used to play on. I had met many of the members of this team when I first moved to the area and had started playing pick up. They asked me to play on their team that first fall. At first it was fun, my friend J and her husband were on the team and it was generally a funny group of people. After I had played on their team for a while I realized a couple of things, though- most of them were grad students and never really had a real job. It was like they were trying to put off real life, which would make sense since most of them seemed to be most interested in acting like they were in high school. I got a little sick of all the gossiping and trash talking about other people. I also out grew out them on the frisbee field. I had started playing with them when I wasn't very good. I think they liked this, but as soon as I started getting more experienced, I realized that this was threatening to them. They didn't want to be good, nor did they really want to play any differently than they always had. I was glad to join Jff's team when we started dating seriously.

So last night, while we were playing I watched two things: first, SL, on the field next to us started a shoving, pushing, and yelling match with a player about half of his size. He had to be restrained and as he was walking off the field I heard him yell, 'if I have to leave, he has to, too!" Check, check.

I was also watching our team beat the PANTS off my old team. I started to feel badly, but only until I realized that they were losing because they were still doing the same things they were doing when I played with them. I knew exactly when to poach and when to cut for the throw because it was clear they couldn't keep up or didn't know what to do. Meanwhile on the sidelines they were of course gossiping and trash talking about everything and anything, except the game. I scored three times last night and had to remind myself that it felt good to play my best and not apologize for it.

As were were leaving last night, I thought about all the other times I had left the fields, and I was relieved to be where I wanted to be. It is nice to look back sometimes with the clarity that time brings and to not wish for a second I could trade places. I was just so glad to be leaving with my husband and to be playing on a team that I would miss until we start playing together again in the fall. Amen for a lack of drama.

Plans and ponderings...

There are too many yellows and greens in a box of Mike and Ikes. I am not trying to be discriminatory, but I just hate them. The only time it works out is when husband is around because those are his favorite flavors.

Sadly, I am also to the part of the Raisin Bran Box right now where there are too many raisins. For about 4 days I suffered through no raisins, now only to encounter a huge deluge of them in the bottom of the box and my cereal bowl. I even tried to shake the box upside down before I opened it.

I am getting really excited for our spring break trip- I am ready to see friends, explore, and have fun adventures. The only part that is risky is going so close to the end of the semester at the University. That is going to be tough considering when we get back from driving across the country- it will be smack in the middle of the red zone- deadlines galore. Something tells me I won't be a writing machine while we are in the car.

Thank God the House authorized subpoenas for Bush advisers and senior officials today- it was ridiculous (and disrespectful to the American people who deserve to know the truth) for the Bushies to suggest the officials could be interviewed only off the record and not under oath. It shouldn't really shock me anymore how much a) Bush hopes to get away with and b) how untruthful and manipulative he and his cronies are in the White House. As a historian, I keep thinking about what will be said about this period of time 30 years from now. Are we going to find out the depth of deception of the Bush clan much later?

I worked out the classes I will take this summer and next fall in order to complete my master's degree by next spring. It seems so fast! There are still about a million more classes that I would like to take and be able to add to my final resume, but alas there is only so many credits I can take, so much time, and so much money that I have. The good news is that my last semester will only be three credits- which is all dedicated to writing my master's thesis for a semester. I am meeting with a professor next week to see if he will be my adviser, so now it is just the actual thesis of my master's paper that I have to submit. It is fun to think ahead about how that will all turn out.

It is a sign of spring that we have our last indoor frisbee game this weekend. We already signed up for summer league and that begins in just over a month from now. We started our volleyball season last week with a win and lots of fun and softball season is coming up in about a month. Yippee!

Last weekend my brother, A called to chat for my birthday. We were talking about where I would like to find a job after my master's is completed and much to my shock and surprise he said, "well, you know you do also have ovaries..." I didn't quite catch it, or rather had thought I heard him wrong the first time, so I said, "what?" and he repeated it again. I had heard him correctly. I almost fell off the chair. Since when does A talk to me about having babies? He went on to say that he loves kids and wants one to play with. I told him that if he wanted to move to town and take care of it that we had a deal. I bet he is totally up for staying in most nights as long as he has a baby to play with.

A new Martin Sexton CD is on its way- along with the upcoming concert in April. Stay tuned.

Changing seasons! Think spring!!

Twenty Nine

My twenty-ninth birthday was pretty fun. Jff and BHH had planned somewhat of a suprise birthday party and had everyone come over in their old high school colors. I of course was dressed in my current school colors and had to pin "the item to the student", we also had a pinata and let me go after it with a bat, and we had a cake. It was fun, I remember laughing really, really hard when we were hitting the pinata.

I can't remember a lot of specifics from last spring, I know we were really busy planning the wedding and Jff was busy graduating. I know that I was accepted to grad school into the Master of Liberal Studies. I also remember that the Ole girls and AT helped me put together my wedding invitations together one night, and that another bbthunder helped me address them all. That was fun. Other than that there was a lot of discussion of hair appointments, dressed, and everything else where I felt like I really didn't know what the heck I was doing. In May, Bhh and I drove up to Duluth for a wedding shower at my mom's house... I was thankful for people doing that for me, but I was a little uncomfortable and didn't know why. We had a good drive though.

In mid May Jff graduated after a gruelling semester. I was so proud of him. He did amazing things in grad-school and worked really hard with almost no one realizing it of him. Strangely, I don't have any pictures of this, but I know that mom and dad Jff do. Right about this time is when friends Bhh and At had a wedding shower for me, it was nice. That Spring our friends A & G got married and so did my friend KCL. My friend At was getting ready to have her first baby and we had a shower for her. My niece was baptized and we had a wedding shower for Dr.MI.

In May we also adopted a new kitty named Nora. We had been talking for a long time of getting a buddy for Leo. Although I had originally wanted a dog, this was vetoed because we aren't around enough for a dog. This is true, so we ended up with another kitty. Leo was not happy about a kitten invading his house and now, nearly a year later, we have come a long ways. Nora is so loving and very sociable. She is however, unabashedly, Jff's cat. That is fair, since Leo and I have a special connection, so it is sweet that she loves him so much (and he, her).

As soon as school was over, things really ramped up. We left almost right away for DrMI's wedding in Jamaica. We had a great time for the 5 days we were there. We stayed in a really amazing tiny resort on the far western edge of the Island. The Rock House in Negril. The cliff there were absolutely beautiful and water was breathtaking. The resort filled up with mostly guests to the wedding alone and so we knew almost everyone. We went snorkling with friends J and D, we took a glass bottomed boat to the beach, we went out for Jerk chicken with all the young wedding guests- that was really fun- especially when it turned into skinny dipping in the pool. The next day was the wedding and right before hand a huge storm rolled through- most of the guests got soaked, but the wedding went on as planned afterwards and was absolutely beautiful. DrMI and husband were brilliant and glowing.

Returning with two and half weeks left to go before our wedding was crazy. There was so much to do. Soon after AT, who was supposed to be a bridesmaid and who was also pregnant, was put on bedrest. She wouldn't be able to be in the wedding. I was happy to ask my friend LH to be in the wedding and I am really thankful that she accepted. She even got the dress altered in a week. My uncle was sick during this time, and I remember my Dad saying he might not come to the wedding because my uncle might die. My sister was refusing to communicate with me about anything about plans for the wedding. Looking back it was not the smoothest week before the wedding. But in the end it was all okay. Friends again helped me with the programs and I had a fun bachelorette party-Rock climbing was a great idea.



In the end the wedding was good, it flew by, and I had a great time. Jff and I couldn't stop talking about how much fun we had had on Sunday night when it was all over. We were lucky to have so many friends and family from all over around us. For our mini-honey moon we spent a few days in Door County just relaxing and doing a little bit of sight seeing. My favorite was the night we went out for dinner right on the beach and watched the amazing sunset. Pretty fun.









We came back from our little vacation and realized the rest of the summer was going to be just as busy as it had been. We were busy dealing with wedding gifts and registries. We also took another trip up the BWCA with the H-H's. That was really fun, although the weather wasn't as cooperative this year. We enjoyed our garden and having friends up to Dad's cabin. In the very end of the summer, Jff and I flew out to CA with the rest of the family to attend his cousin's wedding. It was the most expensive, gorgeous wedding I have ever been to. It was really fun to see the family, though and as nice last trip before school started.

In the fall I started both teaching part time and going to grad school. It was busy, but I was having a great time. I was so excited to be finally in school- I had been thinking about going back for so long and it was finally working! I was so happy to have the wedding behind us and to be looking forward to our real honeymoon in Hawaii. My sister got married two months after our wedding. The wedding was not my most favorite event ever, but I hope that they remain happy and remember it fondly.

The first few hours we were in Hawaii, an earthquake hit. It shook the bed, it made the walls creak and sway. I didn't really know what it was until afterwards. That first day was a little off- no one knew what to do and everyone was freaking out. After that, Hawaii got back to normal. We had an amazing week- helicopter tour, driving around the island, swimming, snorkeling, flying to Kawaii, you name it it was fun. It was a perfect Honeymoon. It is my most favorite place I have ever been and even though the plane ride was horrible, I can't wait to go back.

Since October, life has been good as usual. Marriage continues to be wonderful and amazing- more so than I ever would have imagined. Jff has found dream job working with economies of scale and green energy solutions. I continue on with grad school, still not sure exactly what I will end up doing, but hoping to be happy and successful in it. We have a trip out to the D.C. area planned a few weeks and we have a birthday celebration planned for tonight.

In working on all these crazy- long blog posts about my 20's, I have become ready to turn 30. Turning 30 is not so bad when you realize how incredibly full and happy your life is. In fact, so full and happy that you realize that you are constantly leaving out big exciting things and small wonderful surprises in every post. I think the realization is that if I had tried to put all of those things down I wouldn't have ever finished these posts. Looking back to see myself grow and change into more and more the person that I have always envisioned is truly a gift to myself. It is truly hard to explain, but immeasurable in its truth and depth. For those of you who have taken this whole journey with me, thank you. For those of you who have jumped on for different segments, I have been happy to have you and hope you do well. And for those of you who have been with me most recently, you make me tremendously excited for the future. Yippee for a brand new decade!

Twenty Eight

The spring of my twenty eighth year was a busy one. For our spring break we flew out to San Francisco to visit family and see the city. We had a great time doing a good combo of site seeing and spending some relaxing time. One of my favorite parts was how nice the weather was, the ride out to the Golden Gate Bridge, and the visit to the SFMOMA. We also had a spectacular day hiking in the Muir Woods and taking in the fantastic coast line. After about 4 days in the city, we drove out to Lake Tahoe with Jff's family and went skiing for a day in the Mountains. The amount of snow in that area was crazy and it was great skiing.

Back to school in the spring, things were not so rosy. In my now-former school district they were having a budget crisis, and although my position with the grant was secure, and they even offered to let me do it full time, teaching at the high school and doing the grant at the same time wouldn't work since I would have had to teach at the middle school. I instead decided to shorten my commute, try a different school district, and give up the grant work. In the end it was a good move, I would have hated to work on the grant full time- it was very lonely and sometimes discouraging work when I wasn't at one of the conferences, and I wouldn't have survived teaching middle school. I knew that changing schools meant crazy amounts of work, but I was so excited about not commuting.

Either way, that spring I flew out to Philadelphia to attend the Grant Conference and started to get excited about the possibilities. And although it was really sad to bid my students goodbye, and to leave some of my favorite colleagues behind: SSM, AT, MS, AH, I continued to privately consult for the school district for the entire summer. The first and last time I will ever be paid quite so nicely for my time, probably.

That spring my cousin Stephen got married in Evanston, IL. We had a great time walking every where that weekend, and especially by the lake. It was fun to see the whole family- and Grandma was even able to make it, although Uncle Don wasn't feeling up to it. I read a beautiful passage in their wedding.

In the beginning of the summer we were working like crazy to get Jff's house ready to sell. I have fond memories of the "spring fling" green he had thought was a good living room color, but sadly we had to cover it up with a neutral color- that 2 story wall in the living room was a *@%# to paint. We must have done a good job though, because his house sold within 5 days on the market. And although Jff had been living with me unofficially since sometime in March, he officially moved in that June.

The same weekend that all of Jff's friends where moving him into my/our house, I had flown out to meet DrMI for a girls' weekend in L.A.-just the two of us. She had been out there for work and so we stayed in the suburbs for a day or two and then the last night stayed in the city. We had a good time, the beach in Laguna, Hollywood, shopping, Huntington Beach, and just a lot of a other fun sights. DrMI had just gotten engaged and I remember there was a lot of discussion of her wedding ideas, and thinking that Jff and I would get engaged at some point soon.

Right when I returned home, Jff and I began packing for our 10 day trip out east. We stopped in IL- to see my Uncle Don, in MI- I remember playing frisbee with the DrMI and Husband in the park and then going for ice cream, then we drove through Canada- with a little border incident, to Niagara Falls, and then over to Massachusetts and up the coast to Acadia National Park in Maine. We camped for the three days we spent there and had a fabulous time. We left Maine for New Hampshire to get to Jff's family's reunion. That was a really fun weekend- I got to meet all of Jff's relatives I had heard so much about, and they were a lot of fun. And then on Saturday afternoon, in the rain, on a mountain overlooking a small, beautiful town in New Hampshire, Jff asked me to marry him (and I said yes).

A few days after returning from our trip out east, my Uncle Don died at the age of 63, so we traveled for the funeral. We had found out about 9 months prior to his dying that he had had lung cancer which spread to his back, then his bones, then his lymph nodes, and then finally his brain. I don't really know how to fully describe him other than he was my very favorite. He was the life of the party, so creative, so inventive, so fun, and so caring. He and I especially had been special buds ever since he had fed me too many raisins when taking care of me when I was little, and especially after the blaze-orange-hat- Christmas. He just always made me laugh. His funeral was a truly sad time for everyone. Here is a picture of me with all my cousins and Uncle Don.

That summer we also made our first venture in the BWCA wilderness with our friends, the H-Hs. It was a really fun trip with beautiful weather and only one large mishap that led Mr. H-H to carry a canoe the equivalent of about 10 miles and all of us to become very dehydrated- enough to just drink water right from the lake with reckless abandon. Lots of good laughs and a good amount of swearing about packs and canoes occurred and Husbands comment, of "Nice fucking vacation" after he had thrown the canoe down on the trail was thoroughly enjoyed(and still is).

That fall I started at the new school. I don't know if I want to say much about this except, that it sucked. I worked my ass off, frequently cried that first semester, and swore I would never start at a new school again. It was like being the new kid, but worse. Second semester was better.

When I wasn't working on school stuff like a freak, we were planning a wedding for July, refinishing our kitchen, and Jff was taking 16 credits and writing his Master's thesis at school. In short, we didn't really have that much time to relax. Through all of that we managed still to have a okay time. In the fall we went to see K and SQ get married in Dubuque and had a fun car ride with LL. We also did little things around here, like going to our favorite state park (seen here with us in the tree). For spring break that year, we traveled down to see all of our relatives in Illinois- we made the Grandma and baby tour. We were also looking ahead to more traveling and to a quickly approaching wedding.

Twenty Seven

When I turned twenty seven, I got a snow day for my birthday. I remember answering the phone at 5 am and friend and commuting buddy AT chimed "Happy Birthday" into the phone. It was pretty fun. Right after that I bought myself a plane ticket and got out of town for spring break. I flew down to visit NL who was in grad school at VA tech. So we spent about 5 days hiking around the Blue Ridge Mountains and exploring the college town where he lived. My favorite day was when we hiked forever up to this amazing rock- the valley below was break taking. It was a fun trip.

That spring was so fun living in the city in my new house. It was so exciting to see all the gardens coming alive and knowing that it was all mine to work on. That May I decided to get a job waitressing for the summer at local pub. I was living alone in my house and money was pretty tight. The extra money allowed me to sign up for summer league frisbee and to go out more often with friends. That spring I ran into SL with a bunch of friends, we tentatively agreed to get together and "talk". I should have seen the red lights flashing in my head- but for some reason I never did with him. It was that chemistry thing. We ended up starting to see each other more and more- at first as friends, but then well, you know. My last and stupidest dating mistake. What was it with him and Robert? I now realize that they were on opposite ends of the spectrum and I wanted pieces of both of them. That summer I would find everything in one person but not know it yet...
After school was out I got into a pretty good routine: waitressing, hanging out with friends, K, J, and A, working on my garden, taking an independent study, and playing frisbee. Early that summer my parents came to visit and let the dogs out to run around in my yard. Sophie our family's yellow lab who was the nicest, sweetest, and most lovable dog ever started having seizures in my yard. We rushed her to the vet while she was unconscious in my parent's car. At the University Vet Hospital they finally figured out after many tests and near death that Sophie had a brain tumor. That summer my parents decided to pay the money to treat her with radiation at the U. So every week my mom would come and stay at my house and bring Sophie for her treatments. She and Leo had always been great friends and that summer Leo would just sit by her because he knew something was wrong. It was very sad for everyone. She made some what of a come back, but finally that October she died.

That summer my Dad and I went hiking along the Superior Hiking Trail together(below), we had a good time. It was gorgeous but also really, really hot. I also did a lot of sailing of my new sailboat at my parent's cabin. I also spent some time canoeing down the St. Croix River and sailing in Duluth.

Sometime in June, after playing some frisbee on my new summer league team, I got an email from a fellow player I had already noticed. It was Jff- being a really nice guy. I didn't figure out that he wanted to ask me out right away, but when I did, I was sad I had to turn him down because of SL. He was really wonderful about being turned down and I remember wanting so badly to go. I had this sense about him- that I should get to know him, I already knew we had so much in common. I guess it was my luck that that fall he asked me to play on his volleyball team.

In July, I found out a Funding Grant I had written for the school district was going to be fully funded at $750,000 for three years by the Federal Government. The Grant was essentially to do staff development with all 200 teachers in the district in History. I had put my name down at director since I didn't think we would get it. Surprise! That year I decided to teach part time and direct the grant part time. Starting the program from scratch was both exciting and really hard. It was really challenging in both good and bad ways, but in the end I learned so much. It was a very valuable experience through all the school districts politics and the change in Superintendents. I at first was a little afraid I couldn't do it, but I left with glowing reviews and a standing ovation from the 200 teachers I had worked with. That year was also my most favorite year of teaching and advising student council. I still hear from so many of my students from that year.

Right before I started school that fall, SL asked me if I would like to go out to his family's summer home on Cape Cod for a week. Although, I was a little worried about another trip with Mr. Mood Swings- it ended up being a pretty fun week. I think I understood a lot more about him after meeting his family- who were nice, but STRANGE. You know those east coasters... My favorite part of that week was just how absolutely gorgeous the Cape was. I was blown away. The tides were amazing, the culture was fun, and I saw tons of sea lions, dolphins, and a whale. Either way, that fall SL and broke up for the second and last time. In fact it was the same day my parents had put Sophie down; he had accused me of being manipulative by crying about it and making him feel guilty for not spending time with me. What took me so long?

In November I flew down and met DrMI in Indiana for SMB's wedding. I had a great time that weekend- shopping, girl talking, and seeing the B family and old friends from college. I look strange in this picture but it is good one of former roommate SK, SMB, CL, and DrMI. That month is also when I finally wrote Jff an email to see if he still wanted to go out. He did. We did. I remember being thrilled that he came over to say hi during fall frisbee and that he was so enthusiastic about spending time with me. It was the night out for coffee when he hugged me that I realized that he really did like me. He says that is the night he decided that he was going to marry me. We talked politics for hours and it seemed like time was going way too fast. I think that is when my life just started to feel wonderful.

That winter flew by with us spending so much time together. I remember doing school work while he watched football, I remember him helping me put up my Christmas tree and giving me an angel for the top of it for Christmas. I remember meeting a lot of his Ole friends, especially the couple of stolen bike. We went to a movie and out to dessert with them and I remember we told the story of how we met to them. It really felt like we were a couple at that point. I was becoming absolutely indoctrinated into Ole that winter- the New Year's Party, Jff's Superbowl Party, etc. In January we went up to G$'s cabin- I remember snow shoeing the most and also building a log cabin on slummy's tummy while he was passed out at 8 pm. It was fun. In February Jff met both of my families in Duluth for the weekend. We also started talking about a trip out to California in March. The winter was flying by. I couldn't believe how happy I was.

Twenty Six

(Warning: This is a long one...sorry.)

For my twenty sixth birthday I celebrated with a my family and few close friends at my favorite dive bar in the Duluth/Superior: The Anchor Bar. The beer just tastes better there and it is about the only place I will ever order a burger- they are absolutely fantastic.

That spring I was itching to get outside or to go places. I was so ready for the weather to turn. Robert and I had just broken up and I remember being glad because Robert was not the outdoor type by choice. But I also remember despairing that none of my other friends in the area were the outdoor type either. Other than a few trips up to Duluth to sail with dad on the big lake, I was out of luck. That February at school a teacher was accused of elicit behavior with a student and was put on leave for the rest of the year. A former teacher who I had always heard about ("he would be perfect for you", "he also plays frisbee and loves the outdoors") but had never met came back to sub for the rest of the year. SL was a little older than me, but we did have a lot in common. We started talking a lot during our common prep and that June we started dating. I was excited for some outdoor adventure.

I soon found out that SL was pretty high maintenance, extremely sensitive, and sometimes fun to be with. When we were both on-it was absolute dynamite, but boy when he was off... well it was difficult to know exactly what to do because it was probably wrong no matter what. I liked him but wasn't always so sure he was for me. It made it even more confusing that Robert had suddenly decided he couldn't live with out me. He was calling me constantly and SL was a jealous freak. So a lot of what I remember about that summer is spending time with each of them, but constantly having to screen my cell phone calls, tell little lies, and just be careful about what I said. What I really wanted were a few more girl friends who lived in town.

That summer I also took off on a trip to go visit DrMI in Ann Arbor, My cousin Jean in Chicago, Doris in Milwaukee, and Eric in Madison. It was really nice to see DrMI- I stayed there the longest and I remember going down to campus and seeing a movie outside. I also remember thinking for the first time that she was going to marry her boyfriend (which she since has-yippee!). The rest of the trip was also really fun. This picture Eric, the photographer, took of me after we had played some frisbee in my favorite Madison park while I was visiting.

Two high school friends got married that summer. Both had been good friends and they were fun events. ES's was particularly memorable, but I can't say why other than the beautiful location and interesting cast of characters. It was fun to have DrMI in town and I remember going to a White Stripe's concert with DrMI, MG, and Robert. That was a really fun night.

That summer I also agreed to go on a trip up to the Canadian wilderness area (the Quetico) with SL. We went up for a week on a portion of the area that was very untraveled. It was much more rugged than the BWCA I had always done. The scenery was beautiful, the weather wasn't so great. It was fun at times, but by the end of the trip I was a little over-done with SL. The patronizing sigh and superior attitude just required so much too much restraint on my part. I broke that one off before the end of July.

The summer of weddings continued with my cousin Dave's on the Michigan Peninsula in August. It was a beautiful time spent out at their lake house and the hotel on the canal. It was fun to have the whole family there. I am pictured with my fav. cousin Jean and her husband Daryl at the wedding. I remember my grandma doing so well and loving the dancing. I also remember the really fun family photos on the patio.

The last trip of the summer was down to Chicago for my aunt's 60th birthday. My cousin Jean, me, my mom, my Aunt Lynda, and my Aunt Peggy spent the weekend shopping, out to dinner with my other cousin Stephen, and doing different fun things around the city. It was a great time, I remember laughing a lot.

That fall Robert and I got back together. Now this is one of the "crack" moments of my history. I don't really know why I thought this was a good idea, nor why I ever got back together with anyone again. I should have learned my lesson. What I quickly learned is that being good friends with someone is so much different from dating them again. There are just things you can never escape when you are that involved in someone's life that can easily be overlooked or hidden when you only see each other casually. After he came back from Norway, he basically moved in with me while he looked for an apartment, and then he just... well, stayed.

After playing pick up frisbee all spring and summer, I finally started playing full time in the fall on the "Crappers" team. It was an eclectic group that could be super fun, but could also at times, be a little too high school. I did play with them for at least two years. One of the girls on the team, J became a good friend. I was really glad to have her around especially since we lived so close. That fall is also when I bought my 14 foot racing sailboat to keep at my parent's cabin. I remember realizing that I couldn't marry Robert when he capsized the boat and then was freaked out by the water. I ended up rescuing the boat and myself while my parents came out to pick him up. Right about then is when I thought that maybe I would just be single for the rest of my life and maybe that was okay with me.

In October, my Step-Brother got married in North Dakota, so the year of the wedding continued. I was the reader in that wedding and hated the sexist reading they picked for me to read. I just smiled through the whole thing though and of course never said a word- but vowed not to read either a cliche verse nor a sexist verse from the Bible at my own wedding in the future. I remember having a great time dancing, but wondering why anyone lived in North Dakota. That weekend is when I realized that my sister was probably not going to stay with her long-time boyfriend and that she also would probably never relate to any of her siblings normally.

House hunting took up a lot of my fall. Robert was totally uninterested in me buying a house because it meant more responsibility and more money saving. (At this point the break up signs were flashing loud and clear). I kept going though, and after Thanksgiving ended up finding my lovely little house that I now own. I was so proud to have this house and loved living in the city finally. I remember moving the coldest weekend of the year in the end of January.

To this day, I don't know why I allowed Robert to move in... but within a month he was on his way out. In the end it was an amicable break up, we both knew it needed to happen. I think we just had so much fun together, but when real life came into the picture we realized how different we were. He wanted to play constantly, travel, never plan, and let someone else do the work. He hated having to curb his lifestyle for any reason- especially a lack of money. I on the other hand was always being too responsible, too thoughtful, and too stable. I realized about a month after we broke up that he had always made me more stressed by wanting me to do things fast and without thinking about them. I was really relieved and determined to follow my gut much more in deciding who to spend time with in the future. I think this is actually one of the best things I learned from Robert- to understand people and to enjoy them, but also be clear with myself about who makes me laugh and who just makes me anxious in the end.

Twenty Five

I think I was happy to turn 25- it seemed like a good age. Middle twenties- I could've stayed 25 for a long time. For my birthday, I went to Madison for a social studies conference and ended up seeing my friends that evening, but not of course, before I locked my keys in my car and had to call a locksmith, though.

That spring in Milwaukee, things started to improve just a little bit. Friends of Eric's had invited me to play "ultimate frisbee" with them down by the lake for the spring and summer. I had seen the game played before and had even participated in a couple of points while I had lived in Madison. It seemed like a good way to get some exercise and meet some people. I was sooo bad when I first started, but liked the challenge of it.

That spring I also found the co-op and started paying attention to good food again. I really enjoyed the walking neighborhood I had: the post office, the grocery store, book store, and blockbuster were all less than a mile from where I lived. I started trying to enjoy life a little more by doing less work and more walking and running. That spring I had a number of people visit. Alex came through and stayed for a little while on his way down to South Carolina to work with Sea Turtles on a nature reserve, DrMI came through on her way to her internship in Michigan (which became permanent), and Noah moved to Madison to do an internship for the summer. I was elated. A very close friend who was going to live near me for the summer. I remember the weekend he came to visit where we rode our bikes to the lake, played frisbee, and went out for Thai food. It was so fun.

As it became summer, I was so relieved that school was over, I couldn't believe it. I started going to some of the festivals with Doris and Noah and I started to hang out most weekends- going to summerfest, canoeing, etc. In late June, I decided to go down to South Caroline to visit the Turtle where Alex was working and to visit my cousin Eric. It was so gorgeous. I had a really good time-traveling on my own, renting a car, and sight seeing. My cousin and his wife took me on a houseboat to one of the only fresh water lakes around there- and it was all red clay around the lake. Crimson tide finally made sense. On the turtle reserve I got to help move sea turtle nests so they were safe and also got to go to Ted Turner's private island that was a nature reserve as well. On our way there, by boat, we saw a group of about 100 dolphins feeding on a school of fish. It is one of the most amazing things I have ever seen- especially the baby dolphins jumping right by the boat. (Picture: moving a turtle nest)

Later that summer, Noah and I organized a kayak trip around the Apostle Islands in Lake Superior with some friends. We rented tandem canoes and spent 5 days camping on different islands. We had gorgeous weather and the bugs were only bad at one campsite. It was a blast- that is after I had to show the rental people that I could do a wet exit- turn the kayak upside down with me in it and then take the skirt off the outside of the boat and come up for air. One of the scariest things I have ever done. Thanks to Noah for talking me into it, because for as much as I love all water sports, I have a healthy fear of sucking it in while my head is underneath it. Afterwards, I think I cried, I was so relieved. Either way, it is one of the prettiest trips I have ever been on. Now I want to sail there some time soon.

That summer I also attended an AP conference at Carleton College. I ended up meeting someone from the local school district, who emailed me about a job opening right when I got back from kayaking. I jumped on the chance and got the job. So in 5 days I managed to move my apartment and find a new place to live. It was hard to leave Milwaukee since I was just starting to have fun, but I was happy to not be going back for a second year to my job there. I remember rejoicing to be closer to a few friends and family once I moved.

That fall was challenging at school- basically another first year because I wasn't teaching AP World History anymore- now it was a class called Behavioral Sciences where I taught a quarter of psychology, sociology, government, and economics. Again I felt a little in over my head, but happy to have a new job.

At a Martin Sexton concert I met a guy named Robert who I dated until the following summer. He was a fun person and I started getting out a lot and really getting to know the new city I lived in. He was so different from me, but seemed so fun, that I thought it would work. We did a lot of fun things like go to Toronto for a few days over New Years and go out to California for spring break. While we were in town we went to professional hockey games, a professional basketball game, and to NCAA basketball final four when they were here and the Badgers were playing. We had a great time together, but our values were very different. He spent money like it was going out of style and didn't believe that teaching was a worthy profession. We split ways late in the spring. I was sad but realized it was good.

Either way that year I met a good friend who was a fellow teacher and was glad to be in the same town as my former roommate, KCL once again. Things were looking up.

Twenty Four

When I was turning twenty four I was not liking life. I was worried about not finding a teaching job for the following fall, not knowing where I was going to end up, Eric, the guy I was dating was experiencing serious depression and anxiety and so was my friend Kayt. It seemed like life was going a bit haywire- and it was all so confusing at times! I remember plenty of talks on DrMI's bed in our apartment.

Early in the spring Eric and I had decided we would like to stay together, so he was willing to move to where I was going to find a job. I had decided I would accept a job in one of three cities and he agreed. We weren't going to live together, but the thought of going to a new city with someone else at that point seemed attractive. Well, as the say the best laid plans... we ended up breaking up in June or sometime in the summer(?). These things happen for a reason but at the time, it just doesn't always seem like it. By that point I of course had already accepted a job in Milwaukee for the following fall. So I went alone. That summer was fun, though. I remember trips to the union, hanging out with DrMI and a few other people we knew.

So at the end of the summer, DrMI packed up to head back to Duluth for a Master's program and I packed up to move into my first 'real' apartment by myself. I had found this wonderful apartment in a really old building with the help of my friend KCL- and it was a great deal. It was a really lucky find- huge, tons of character, and only once in awhile would I be woken up by my loud-sex next door neighbor.

Once my parents and DrMI left, it was just Leo and I in a brand new city. I don't know if I can do justice to how freaked out I was at that point. The only thing I can say is that thinking about it still makes me not feel good. I was terrified. Not of being alone, just for starting a brand new job that I felt unprepared for, with no friends or family around, and not even knowing how to get to the mall or where to buy groceries.

I was going to be teaching AP World History that fall. I had never even taken a world history class in college-individual classes about different countries or periods - but not enough that I felt like I was going to know what to teach about. The other thing that made it difficult was the fact the class had never been taught anywhere in the country before this. I was on my own. I had also been told that the school I was going to teach at was undergoing some 'changes'- later I found this out to be 'race or class wars'. Why had I taken this job? Even though I was super freaked out, I did meet a lot of really nice people when I started teacher training. I was a new teacher along with two other guys that were my age- we started hanging out a lot just out of pure terror I think.

The weekend before the first day of school, I went back to Madison to meet my aunt and uncle and Eric for a Badger Football game. I remember I had just gotten my first cell phone and didn't really know when to take it with me and had left it in the car. Well, it turns out my mom had tried calling me all day, and when I got her tearful message on the phone that night I knew something was wrong instantly. My Grandpa had died unexpectedly that morning. He and I had been very close. It was devastating. I honestly don't remember much of the next few days.

The first day of school I had to explain to my classes that I was going to be gone for the second day of school for the funeral. I should have taken more time, but I was just so freaked out. I just drove there for the funeral and then came back. It was like I was in robot mode. For months afterwards, I would have moments of intense grief that I don't think I had dealt with in September. I remember not wanting to be alone while I cried, but that crying with my family over the phone was almost more lonely.

I really liked the staff at the high school where I worked and we always went out for drinks on Friday afternoon. It was helpful to really understand the school where I worked and the city I lived in my listening to the other teachers talk about it. Sometimes I would hang out with the guys I was hired with, but most of the time I would return to my apartment and Leo on Friday with the knowledge that I would not see anyone I knew again until Monday morning. I sometimes thought about trying to find ways to get out, but mostly just worked, and worked, and worked. I knew nothing and had entire periods of history to learn about. I read over 4,000 pages that year, just sitting in my apartment. Looking back I can't even believe it, but I didn't have cable, I didn't have internet at home, I rented movies once in a while, but that was it. I just worked all the time. I literally almost lived in my classroom. I lost somewhere between 15-20 pounds that year, I think I just didn't eat, but can't really remember.

I was most thankful for my family that year. Going to holidays was such a relief from loneliness and work. It was great to know that I was loved and that there were people who knew me. On the few weekends that I did get to go up to Duluth, there were always fun things planned- that year my step brother, J.R. who was getting his pilots license brought me flying up past my favorite lighthouse, Split Rock on the Northshore. It was a blast.

There were the strange events that I am just remembering now- briefly dating another teacher I worked with, another teacher I was hired with being madly in love with me, going to see my principle's wife teach in Appleton(?), going to a Martin Sexton concert with Alex, the staff Christmas party, horrible parents harassing me about grades and my "racist curriculum"- (their contention was that I shouldn't be teaching about the slave trade) , the list goes on...

I remember that year that I just kept thinking that if I could make it through February (my hatred of that month started this year) and March everything would be better. I just wanted spring to come, and especially that summer. Luckily that spring things did start to look up.