Marching forth, belly held high

Sometimes it is lonely to make a leap.

A post on our terrific vacation is forth-coming, we had a great time. While we were traveling, though, there were clear reminders that things had shifted and might never be quite the same. We are both used to having very adventuresome trips where we are spontaneous and very active. I was reminded by swollen hands and ankles that even a light hiking trail for six miles was too much for me. There were stops for extra Tylenol, bathrooms, and more water throughout our trip. There were literally mountains to climb that were foregone for now.

Husband and I have taken many of the changes of pregnancy in stride, yet it is a big transition. Changes... something I am getting better at, but still need a fair amount of time to fully accept.

As we drove from the Grand Canyon back down to Sedona Jff and I spend a lot of time talking about changing parts of our lives. What we may still do with kids, somethings that may be put on hold for a while, what we still need to do to be ready for baby, and even the friends who will likely disappear after we have a third wheel. We are planning for the costs of day care, while most other people we spend time with are planning big purchases and vacations.

It can feel difficult to make decisions that you know are right for you individually, but that hardly anyone else is considering. It can be lonely and isolating to be in "special circumstances" for nine months, and then really different once you have a third member of your family.

I miss playing sports with my friends. I get tired of the choice to either stay home and miss seeing friends or to go with and watch husband and everyone else participate, while I feel pretty stupid just standing there. Tonight at the gym, another reminder: I had terrible stomach cramps after walking for 20 minutes and doing the eliptical for 10 minutes- I barely worked up a sweat. While there, I get to watch 90% percent of people kind of gawk at me while I walked past. Yes, I have a big belly, thanks for staring. I am going out with some friends this weekend, but several times have thought about cancelling because it feels awkward to be so big and different looking. I keep imagining people saying to themselves, "boy, she shouldn't be out, but rather home in bed." Husband and I just went through the horrible ordeal of not being able to find daycare- it took us almost two months, at least 15 disappointing interviews, and a spreadsheet with over 50 names and phone numbers on it. It was hard- there was almost no one who I could talk to about it.

I hesitate to even post this when I am done writing it. I have been incredibly happy to be pregnant and for most of it, at peace with all the changes taking place. I have been lucky to have a friend who up until yesterday was pregnant with me, I have a few friends who are already moms who have been great examples for me, I have friends planning a baby shower for me, and most of all an incredibly wonderful husband who is right there with me most of the time.

However, it can feel at times tough to take all the changes in stride and to have few people realize what is happening on the inside for me. When people say things that are well meaning, but extremely clueless, I have been good about just biting my tongue and knowing that some day they too will understand. It can be lonely to be one of the first to take the jump because you envy those behind you who will inevitably have your advice when they jump, but whose advice or comraderie you don't have now.

 I guess it is one of those things where you only know by doing, and most people I know haven't been doing any doing.

So for now, I will continue to be thankful for the resources and friends I do have, and I will continue to march forth to May 2nd, belly held high, thankful that this transition time will soon be over and that some day I will just feel like a normal person again.

Tripping

Today, Jff and I are heading out of town. We are heading to Arizona for a long weekend to escape part of February in Minnesota. Although it will only be three days, we will have a chance to get out of town, escape thinking about daycare, doing house projects, and looking at mud-brown snow piles on the side of the road. I am really looking forward to it.

It is officially the last time (for a while) that we will travel with only 1 suitcase shared between the two of us, with only a few simple things to do on the plane, and no one on our laps. It is the last time that we will leave our house in the morning with our stuff so we can hop on a plane directly from work. It is the last time we will leave the house for a trip with out diapers for a very long time. Amazing, really.

Last night as I was hoping that this trip would stack up against some of our best (and most recent trips), I made a top five trips in my mind:

5. a tie: Jamaica, summer 2006 and Washington D.C., spring 2007
4. San Francisco, spring 2006
3. Hawaii-Oahu and Kawaii, fall 2006
2. Oregon Coast, spring 2008
1. Europe, spring 2008

This was a harder task than I could have imagined because really, every trip has wonderful things about it that are unique and interesting. For instance, Jamaica was sunny, warm and beautiful and DocMI got married there, but our trip out to D.C. was one of great exploration and fun between husband and I. In the end, I guess each trip needs to be judged separately.

So here is to another great trip--as we look forward to the East Coast in July and Atlanta in October- these adventures with a third partner!

My Favorite Ikea Product: Good For You

My favorite Ikea product by far: Good for You muesli.

After our time in Denmark this spring, I returned desparate to find the runny, low sugar, delicious yogurt and the very good muesli that we ate for breakfast every morning.

Of course, we found the muesli at Ikea (visiting there now consistently makes me extremely nostalgic for the time of our lives had in Denmark).

Although we still have not found the yogurt, I eat the muesli almost daily.

A tip if you are going to try it: go with the orange bag of Good for You. The banana chips, bits of dried orange, and slices of almonds are the best-- the green bag: papayas, apples, and raisins is still good if you need a change, but is not nearly as good.

A Loverly Valentines Day

Husband and I don't really observe Valentine's Day in the traditional sense. It is not a day of romance, of pink or red cards exchanged, or of love letters for us. I don't exactly know why, but since the very beginning of our relationship we have never really done anything special for V-Day.

I think one year JFF got me a massage and one year I think I painted him a picture, but otherwise there just hasn't been energy put towards it. I think we celebrate each other and a pretty fantastic relationship all year round, so to do it on one day in February seems just a bit contrived.

Regardless though, we did take time to really relax on Saturday after a couple of pretty busy weeks. In the morning we had separate things happening, I got some good time by myself at the mall and got two new pairs of shoes out of the deal.

For lunch we headed to the French Meadow Bakery in uptown and had a fantastic, slow lunch. Afterwards we headed over for our yearly visit to the Conservatory where it felt like Florida with lots of beautiful, lush plants and nice flowers. It was a perfect sunny day to be strolling through the glassed in green houses.

Afterwards we made a quick stop for some dinner supplies, I took a very long and leisurely nap, we and then made really good lasagne for dinner. Snuggling and watching a good movie- a quiet evening in by ourselves was the order of the evening.

Overall, it felt like such a wonderful, relaxing day.  So although there were no red roses, chocolates, or money dished out to the greeting card industry, it was a great day to be thankful for each other.

No Joiners Fee in January

This time of year at the YWCA always makes me weary. All the news years resolutions clog up the track, the elipticals, and the darn parking lot.

I mean I understand why... The weather is crappy, the winter seems interminable, and winter coziness can lead to "figure" challenges by this point in the season. However, what I don't understand is the shockingly horrible behavior people exhibit while trying to navigate the over-crowding. Here are some of my favorites, observed recently:

People drive around the parking lot as though they are fleeing from death, often nearly killing others in the process. Drivers will spend up to about 10 or 15 minutes in the parking lot circling around just to find a parking spot, instead of going across the street and walking less than 2 blocks to get to the front door. I mean, why walk when you are going somewhere to exercise, right?

Even though there is a 30 minute limit for all of the 'machines', people will sign up for three or four 15 minute slots in order to make sure that they can use exactly the time-slot that they want. Therefore elipticals end up sitting empty for part of the time with people like me (who can no longer get cardio-exercise by running or bouncing) gazing longingly at them since we didn't get to the Y three hours ago to sign up for them.

People fail to notice (or maybe care) that when they check in and then have eight other things they want the desk attendant to look up, they hold up a huge line so that people are waiting actual minutes in order to check in by swiping their cards.

Finally, when using a locker, the bench between the lockers, or navigating personal space, some Y members seem to have forgotten simple rules of politeness and modesty. People blatantly leave their crap all over the floor while getting dressed, requiring an increasingly large pregnant woman to straddle the bench or hop over in order to get a locker or to leave. They will often point their butt right at you and then do a full bend down. If you do not avert your eyes quickly enough, you are left in fear of... well, anyways.

I know that soon the winter rush will be over and that the insanity that has gripped people will have lessened. But for now, I often have to take a deep breath before entering the vicinity of a place I normally really like to go, ready for just another reminder that the sign that indicates "No Joiners Fee in January" is really my worst nightmare.

All the News that's Fit to Print

I am having a classic dilemma: convenience vs. economy.

I am currently debating about our subscription to the New York Times. Monday through Friday we get the paper delivered to our door. I prefer it to the metro paper, which has slid into very little of substance and certainly now has very little coverage of national and global news. I like reading the front page while I eat my cereal in the morning, I prefer the interesting stories in the nyt, and to be honest, I just like getting a paper every day. I prefer the real thing to the website, and feel like I take more time to read it at some point during the day if it is actually sitting in front of me rather than summoning me from cyberspace.

On the other hand, the paper used to arrive at 6:45 am, but lately it is not even in our door by 7 am. That means that it often misses my breakfast window and I end up reading online. Often times I will arrive home late, after a full day, and just have to toss the paper in the recycling bin after no one has looked at it (husband is an avid online reader who only sometimes takes time for the print version). Before I notice it, we will have several days built up on our coffee table during a busy stretch. The waste of both resources and money drives me a little crazy.

In a time where I feel as though I should be more responsible with all of our resources, I wonder if we shouldn't just cancel our subscription...But then I think that we would become just another example of how people are pulling back and making the economy worse, not because we have to, but because we feel like we should. Plus then we would be just like millions of Americans who put less an less energy into really understand what is going on in the world. I don't know what the right answer is- should I stay or should I go?

Bits and Pieces: What I am up to

Although the Oral History Project has ended, I have still been busy... When people ask what I have been doing, I don't know what to say, but what comes to mind is "preparing for baby" and in my mind this takes many forms. So this is what I have been up to:

• Searching for Day Care: i.e. calling a million people who don't call you back, finding lots of people who just filled their "infant opening", interviewing people who have gross carpet or seem sketchy in some other way, constantly thinking about all the possibilities in your mind that you need to take into account: your gut reaction, location, hours, price, number of kids, professional development, half-time vs. part-time, commute time, and then stressing about it all the time. 

• Preparing Nursery: Note: this has not gone very far, but alas Mom is coming next week to paint the nursery. She is also offering to buy linens from Pottery Barn Kids to match- fun! So far we have sanded, taped, cleaned out, and then put more junk in. The crib is just waiting to be set up, along with some other pieces.
  

• Organizing: Finding space in our basement that will remain "open" for baby gear "yet to be used" and "already used". It feels good to be clearing out old picture frames, maximizing space in the laundry room, and building shelves in husband's work bench/ tool storage area. I like the feeling of purging, especially with a goal in mind. Already disposed of: small bookshelf given away for free, old end table given away for free, thousands of teaching files thrown out, and a few things listed on Craigslist. We also used the last big package of insulation that we had been storing.

• Nesting: finalizing all home projects- finishing up the basement, repainting the living room (there's a good story), and other small things that we will never do once we have an added "friend" in our lives.

• Bradley Birthing Class: Every Sunday night from 4-6:30 pm. Husband and I complain about this, but it is nice to have a certain amount of time dedicated to learning about nutrition, breastfeeding, the different stages of labor, how to have a natural child-birth if you want one, and many other fascinating things. I realize that the doula who runs our class is the compilation of about 35 books I don't have time to read on giving birth, babies, pregnancy, etc. So even though it is a big time commitment, it is worth it.

• Homework for Bradley Birthing Class: this can range from attending a La Leche meeting, reading information, doing exercises, practicing relaxation, or preparing nutritious snacks for the class. Husband and I are marginally successful at getting all of it done.

• Sewing Lessons: Friend LEH and I are making a quilt together for BBF. Although my mother in law quilts like a pro, and I have always wanted to learn, I never have taken the time. I learned how to sew a long time ago, but have never really worked at it, nor do I own a sewing machine. So, it is fun to be guided through making a quilt by a good sewer and perfectionist, especially when it is for the baby. I have discovered I especially like picking out fabrics and patterns. Least favorite part is making sure everything is straight. 

• Seeing Friends: trying to make the most of opportunities to be out and about, knowing that baby will make it a little more difficult to head to the bar with friends, see live music, or be spontaneous.  The most commonly thing heard from new parents is: enjoy sleeping, but also get out- eat out, go to movies, and get out on the town while you still can.

Reflections on cliff jumping and pregnancy

Long before I got pregnant I puzzled over the question of when it would feel like the right time. I was perplexed and yet comforted by the cliche that people would offer: "there will never be a perfect time, you just have to go for it." The subject always caused me to lament the loss of things like single time with husband, time to play sports and work out, and of course fit into all my clothes, not to mention time with all of my childless girlfriends.

Yet, as time moved on, I just had this slowly growing desire to be a mom, to have kids. At first it felt crazy to be so conflicted between two things I wanted: family and the maintenance of a carefree, self-centered life. But eventually, I had thought about "jumping off the cliff" so many times, and husband and I had talked about it so much, that I was just ready to do it (no pun intended) and stop thinking about it.

And you know what? I think I discovered one of the great paradoxes of pregnancy: that you are far more nervous thinking about it before hand, than just simply being pregnant. Once we took the leap, and discovered that I was, in fact, pregnant, I was no longer nervous. It was no longer a series of questions of 'if', 'when', and 'how', it just was...I think it is ultimately the shift from questioning to acceptance. And I don't mean that in a settling, "well, I might as well deal with it" way, I mean acceptance in the most simple and wonderful way of just letting go.

Early on I still worried about becoming out of shape, of not having time to see friends, and about missing out on many of the things that husband and I have enjoyed, but not as much. It became an awareness of changes and not just a bunch of empty 'what if' worries that nothing could be done about.

As my pregnancy has progressed, so has my delight in having a baby. I have realized how excited I am to be creating a human that is part me and part husband inside my own body. I have marveled at the fact that my body, without any external programming is building blood and bones, and eyeballs, and tiny little finger nails. I have been shocked and stunned by the fact that I have a living being inside of me this minute doing flips and kicking his legs to the point that my stomach changes shape. I can't wait to smell my baby, to hold him while he is sleeping, to stroke his soft skin. It seems that now that I have let my mind believe in those possibilities, they have in turn shaped new and exciting thoughts and realizations for me.

Again, tonight, I began to wonder if pregnancy actually changes your brain chemistry. Many of the things that I worried about even five months ago now seem a distant memory. I don't worry about not fitting into clothes, or not playing as much ultimate frisbee to nearly the same extent. Granted, not all things have changed: I am still glad that I will be a working mother, I still will want to spend time with girlfriends and have my own time with husband. I will miss not traveling or being less spontaneous, but I think the bigger thing is letting new excitements fill in so that you are not 'missing out' so much as you are doing different things for a while.

Recently a friend wrote to me with the following to say about kids: "I'm sure you've heard this lots but you are in for the best experience of your life! Motherhood is sometimes tough and almost always exhausting. It's expensive and time-consuming...and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world! It's also powerful, meaningful, and fulfilling beyond words."

Now as I look ahead, amazed as the changes that have taken place within me in such a short span of time, I can help but wonder what will be next. How will I feel when the baby is born? What will life look like to me a year from now? How will I think about all my worries and struggles about being pregnant? Hopefully, it will to be giggle at myself a bit and to say that same thing to other friends that my friend just said to me, and of course offer up the pregnancy cliche anytime I can.