Delivering Benjamin to the World
I have this silly pattern in my life where I often over-think things that end up turning out fine, or really, much better than expected. The entire time that I was pregnant, I was incredibly nervous about the thing that came of the end of being pregnant: labor. As I got more and more anxious to be done being pregnant, I also got more and more anxious about the whole process of giving birth. It was not because I didn't know what to expect, I had read about it, I had been preparing for it, and we had been practicing how to deal with it.
In the end, I wouldn't say that my nervousness was unfounded- it was many of the things I had feared: painful, difficult, scary, and mentally challenging. However, it turned out much better than I had expected: I had no complications or unnecessary medical procedures, I was able to have the birth I wanted, and most of all it was one of the best experiences of my life. I had forgotten to factor in that one final outcome: a baby that you had created placed on your chest a split second after all that hard work. That alone makes the entire process not only worth it, but also worth doing again.
My birth story started, ironically, in a less than happy way. During my normal pre-natal visit to the clinic on Friday the 24th of April, I gave the usual urine sample. It was not until the following Tuesday the 27th that the clinic finally got the results and realized that there was protein in my urine. This sent up red flags and I was called into the office immediately that afternoon. After another urine test and a series of blood tests, I was released to go home (with the urine negative, and the bloodwork not back yet). They were worried about a disease called HELLP Syndrome which impacts pregnant women by attacking the liver and kidneys while they are still pregnant.
I returned home to take care of husband who had been home sick from work with the flu. I laughed with him about the fact that my urine test had been positive- such a fluke I thought. I had had the healthiest pregnancy possible, it was impossible to believe that in my 39th week I was going to be diagnosed with a really dangerous disease of pregnancy. Then the phone rang and it was my mid-wife. The bloodwork was back and my liver enzymes were abnormally high. I was instructed to come right to the hospital, ready to give birth. They would need to induce me in order to protect my health- with the HELLP Syndrome, when the pregnancy ends so do the symptoms and dangerous side effects. There was no negotiating. Sick husband, or not, opposition to being induced or not, I was expected at the hospital in a few hours.
Tuesday night in the hospital included getting a Cervidil insert which is used to "ripen" (their word, not mine) the cervix- sort of a "pre-heat" to induction. The midwives knew that I did not want to be induced and so instead of taking the Cervidil out after 12 hours they agreed to let me keep it in for 24 hours in hopes that that alone would send me into labor without having to take Pitocin. An IV drip with Pitocin would take place Thursday morning if I was not already in labor.
All day Wednesday I had slight contractions, which is normal with Cervidil. I spent the day reading, watching tv, and visiting with friend BW who works at the Birth Place. At four o'clock, the Cervidil fell out and almost immediately my contractions started to get much harder. By five o'clock, I was in real pain with very intense back labor and our doula had arrived at the hospital. Real labor was beginning.
The next four hours were a blur. The thing is that time flies when you are giving birth because you are so focused on dealing with each contraction and then relaxing in between (mine were only about 2-3 minutes apart around this time) and you are just trying to deal with the pain so that you don't pay attention to the hours ticking by. I remember looking out the window at one point- amazed that it was dark out and that it was already 9 o'clock.
At that point, the midwife came in to check me and I was 5 cm dialated. During the check, my bag of waters broke and I remember feeling an incredible amount of warm fluid washing over my leg on to the bed. What a strange feeling! One of the most shocking parts of the whole labor to be honest. But once my water was gone, the baby's head was pushing much harder on my pelvis and that back labor I was experiencing got much worse.
Because I did not want to take any drugs or medication for the pain, and because the pain was so intense at this point, the midwife proposed using sterile water injections in my back. This is a procedure that usually is performed in home births but it works to numb the area of the back for a short while. The only drawback? Apparently, it is very painful to have the injections in your back. In my experience, the shots were a minor nuisance compared to the pain of the contractions in the muscles in my back. The benefit of the water injections? They did help, but only for a few contractions.
By the time it got to be 11 o'clock, I felt very out of control- all the muscles in my legs were shaking, I had a hard time breathing through the contractions, and I couldn't find a position that helped manage the pain. I was going through what is called "transition" in labor, which is typically a time when labor can stall out, it is probably the most painful, and it is compared to "hitting the wall" when you run a marathon- essentially doubting that you can make it. This was the worst part of labor by far, and literally, I can hardly remember much of it because it was such an intense time. The only thing I remember really is not wanting the baby to be born before midnight because I didn't want an uneven birthday in April-- hmmm... a little out of my mind, maybe?
The last 'stage' of labor was the pushing... and somehow in all my knowledge of birth, I had forgotten how long this stage can last. I remember getting into bed around 12:30 or 1:00 a.m. as my contractions had gotten to the point where it felt better to push through the pain- I was happy it was the last part of labor. I just didn't realize how long I had yet to go. I pushed for two solid hours which turned out to be the hardest physical exertion I have ever experienced in my life. Later I was told by both my doula and midwife that my pushing stage was harder than most they had seen- a lot of people push for as long, but not nearly as hard as I needed to. I had the nurse, the midwife, my doula, and Jff all gathered around the bed coaching me along as I screamed (literally) my way through the last two hours- sweating, drinking water between contractions, searching the depth of my being for more energy to continue pushing. Everyone kept telling me how well I was doing and each time I would ask if they could "see the face yet"; I couldn't believe how long it took Benji's head to spin through my pelvis.
Finally, Benji's head emerged (along with a hand he had right up by his face that had made it extra hard to get him out) and I could hear the midwife suctioning out his nose and mouth. A few more pushes and at 3:17 a.m. he came all the way out. Within a second of birth, with his umbilical cord attached, he was handed up to me to hold. He was not even crying yet and covered in his special coating of vernix from the womb.
I still don't know that I have the power to convey my experience. I was so tired, relieved, and very much in another world right then. I was beyond exhausted- I was not exactly in the birth room mentally. I think I realized that I had the baby on my chest, but for the life of me, I don't think that I thought that it was a real human being that I had created and had just pushed out of my body. Jff reports that after about 3 or 4 minutes, I came back to reality and began to talk to the baby and him. It seemed so amazing to me at that point, that after 9 months I was finally meeting my child, that he was right there and that his crying sounded exactly like I thought it would.
Afterwards, when he weighed in at 8 lbs 12 ounces, I knew why my labor had been so hard. When I heard that his APGAR score was a 9 out of 10, I knew why working hard to have a very healthy pregnancy and a drug free labor had been worth it.
Other than that, I cannot explain the pride that I feel around this amazing experience. I recall the events around Benjamin's birth with amazement, nostalgia, and a greater belief in myself and women in general. Although I might try, words cannot explain what those twelve hours of labor or the few days afterwards were really like. I reflect on it often and will always have a special place in my heart for the people that helped me at the hospital as well as for the friends and family who helped us welcome Benjamin to the world. Those first days with him at the hospital were full of unknowns, but also an all encompassing sense of absolute wonder that this baby was mine and that from the first minute I knew him, I loved him more than I have loved anyone.
After all of it, I love that Jff and I did it together, that I had the birth I wanted and didn't know if I could achieve, and that at the end of it emerged the most amazing little person I have ever met. I truly believe that there is a reason why people pass into motherhood somewhat changed and that is because no matter what kind of birth you have, you still do one of the most amazing things humans will ever experience-giving life.
In the end, I wouldn't say that my nervousness was unfounded- it was many of the things I had feared: painful, difficult, scary, and mentally challenging. However, it turned out much better than I had expected: I had no complications or unnecessary medical procedures, I was able to have the birth I wanted, and most of all it was one of the best experiences of my life. I had forgotten to factor in that one final outcome: a baby that you had created placed on your chest a split second after all that hard work. That alone makes the entire process not only worth it, but also worth doing again.
My birth story started, ironically, in a less than happy way. During my normal pre-natal visit to the clinic on Friday the 24th of April, I gave the usual urine sample. It was not until the following Tuesday the 27th that the clinic finally got the results and realized that there was protein in my urine. This sent up red flags and I was called into the office immediately that afternoon. After another urine test and a series of blood tests, I was released to go home (with the urine negative, and the bloodwork not back yet). They were worried about a disease called HELLP Syndrome which impacts pregnant women by attacking the liver and kidneys while they are still pregnant.
I returned home to take care of husband who had been home sick from work with the flu. I laughed with him about the fact that my urine test had been positive- such a fluke I thought. I had had the healthiest pregnancy possible, it was impossible to believe that in my 39th week I was going to be diagnosed with a really dangerous disease of pregnancy. Then the phone rang and it was my mid-wife. The bloodwork was back and my liver enzymes were abnormally high. I was instructed to come right to the hospital, ready to give birth. They would need to induce me in order to protect my health- with the HELLP Syndrome, when the pregnancy ends so do the symptoms and dangerous side effects. There was no negotiating. Sick husband, or not, opposition to being induced or not, I was expected at the hospital in a few hours.
Tuesday night in the hospital included getting a Cervidil insert which is used to "ripen" (their word, not mine) the cervix- sort of a "pre-heat" to induction. The midwives knew that I did not want to be induced and so instead of taking the Cervidil out after 12 hours they agreed to let me keep it in for 24 hours in hopes that that alone would send me into labor without having to take Pitocin. An IV drip with Pitocin would take place Thursday morning if I was not already in labor.
All day Wednesday I had slight contractions, which is normal with Cervidil. I spent the day reading, watching tv, and visiting with friend BW who works at the Birth Place. At four o'clock, the Cervidil fell out and almost immediately my contractions started to get much harder. By five o'clock, I was in real pain with very intense back labor and our doula had arrived at the hospital. Real labor was beginning.
The next four hours were a blur. The thing is that time flies when you are giving birth because you are so focused on dealing with each contraction and then relaxing in between (mine were only about 2-3 minutes apart around this time) and you are just trying to deal with the pain so that you don't pay attention to the hours ticking by. I remember looking out the window at one point- amazed that it was dark out and that it was already 9 o'clock.
At that point, the midwife came in to check me and I was 5 cm dialated. During the check, my bag of waters broke and I remember feeling an incredible amount of warm fluid washing over my leg on to the bed. What a strange feeling! One of the most shocking parts of the whole labor to be honest. But once my water was gone, the baby's head was pushing much harder on my pelvis and that back labor I was experiencing got much worse.
Because I did not want to take any drugs or medication for the pain, and because the pain was so intense at this point, the midwife proposed using sterile water injections in my back. This is a procedure that usually is performed in home births but it works to numb the area of the back for a short while. The only drawback? Apparently, it is very painful to have the injections in your back. In my experience, the shots were a minor nuisance compared to the pain of the contractions in the muscles in my back. The benefit of the water injections? They did help, but only for a few contractions.
By the time it got to be 11 o'clock, I felt very out of control- all the muscles in my legs were shaking, I had a hard time breathing through the contractions, and I couldn't find a position that helped manage the pain. I was going through what is called "transition" in labor, which is typically a time when labor can stall out, it is probably the most painful, and it is compared to "hitting the wall" when you run a marathon- essentially doubting that you can make it. This was the worst part of labor by far, and literally, I can hardly remember much of it because it was such an intense time. The only thing I remember really is not wanting the baby to be born before midnight because I didn't want an uneven birthday in April-- hmmm... a little out of my mind, maybe?
The last 'stage' of labor was the pushing... and somehow in all my knowledge of birth, I had forgotten how long this stage can last. I remember getting into bed around 12:30 or 1:00 a.m. as my contractions had gotten to the point where it felt better to push through the pain- I was happy it was the last part of labor. I just didn't realize how long I had yet to go. I pushed for two solid hours which turned out to be the hardest physical exertion I have ever experienced in my life. Later I was told by both my doula and midwife that my pushing stage was harder than most they had seen- a lot of people push for as long, but not nearly as hard as I needed to. I had the nurse, the midwife, my doula, and Jff all gathered around the bed coaching me along as I screamed (literally) my way through the last two hours- sweating, drinking water between contractions, searching the depth of my being for more energy to continue pushing. Everyone kept telling me how well I was doing and each time I would ask if they could "see the face yet"; I couldn't believe how long it took Benji's head to spin through my pelvis.
Finally, Benji's head emerged (along with a hand he had right up by his face that had made it extra hard to get him out) and I could hear the midwife suctioning out his nose and mouth. A few more pushes and at 3:17 a.m. he came all the way out. Within a second of birth, with his umbilical cord attached, he was handed up to me to hold. He was not even crying yet and covered in his special coating of vernix from the womb.
I still don't know that I have the power to convey my experience. I was so tired, relieved, and very much in another world right then. I was beyond exhausted- I was not exactly in the birth room mentally. I think I realized that I had the baby on my chest, but for the life of me, I don't think that I thought that it was a real human being that I had created and had just pushed out of my body. Jff reports that after about 3 or 4 minutes, I came back to reality and began to talk to the baby and him. It seemed so amazing to me at that point, that after 9 months I was finally meeting my child, that he was right there and that his crying sounded exactly like I thought it would.
Afterwards, when he weighed in at 8 lbs 12 ounces, I knew why my labor had been so hard. When I heard that his APGAR score was a 9 out of 10, I knew why working hard to have a very healthy pregnancy and a drug free labor had been worth it.
Other than that, I cannot explain the pride that I feel around this amazing experience. I recall the events around Benjamin's birth with amazement, nostalgia, and a greater belief in myself and women in general. Although I might try, words cannot explain what those twelve hours of labor or the few days afterwards were really like. I reflect on it often and will always have a special place in my heart for the people that helped me at the hospital as well as for the friends and family who helped us welcome Benjamin to the world. Those first days with him at the hospital were full of unknowns, but also an all encompassing sense of absolute wonder that this baby was mine and that from the first minute I knew him, I loved him more than I have loved anyone.
After all of it, I love that Jff and I did it together, that I had the birth I wanted and didn't know if I could achieve, and that at the end of it emerged the most amazing little person I have ever met. I truly believe that there is a reason why people pass into motherhood somewhat changed and that is because no matter what kind of birth you have, you still do one of the most amazing things humans will ever experience-giving life.
posted by KLOU | 8:36 PM
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