Told Ya So...

Thank God I don't have a husband that says things like "I told you so," but I guess I deserve it.

At the beginning of the semester I decided, instead of taking 6 credits like last semester (because I wasn't busy enough?), that I would take 8 credits. Jff did his best to both be supportive, but try and talk me out of it..("Do you really need to take that third class?") I would respond by saying that I thought this semester teaching would be less work (was I on crack?), that it would help me graduate by next May (true), and that my third class may not be offered again (at this point, I realize it shouldn't be offered again). But hey, I am no stranger to loads of school work- well seasoned to working at night, all night, on weekends, all weekend, etc.

I didn't think much of it at first. In fact I remember a few, "that sounds pretty reasonable" or "that's not so bad, so and so really has it bad." But, the slow burn has started. Now of course when people hear that I am doing 8 credits and teaching 60% they say things like, "Wow, that is really, really a lot work," or "How are you doing that?" I wish I would have gotten a few more reactions like that AND started to feel the burn BEFORE the deadline to drop classes passed.

So anyways, I am now daily doing my best to keep my wits about me. I can often feel that quiet panic rising inside of me, when I realize I have another thing to get done before such and such a day. Having a lot of work to do is sometimes frustrating just because of the fun things you have to forgo just to get it done. Other times there is just too much. I am actively making the decision lately about the least worst thing not to get done. Most of the time lately, it is that deep despair of really wanting to do the work, just not knowing when and where I can hide from life so that I can get it done.

The real challenge is knowing when and where I should be taking breaks. Was x-country skiing for 3 hours Sunday too much time not working? Is it hurting me now to be taking a mental break to blog? I end up analyzing constantly. Could I use the 5 minutes on the train to get a few more pages read? Can I use the car ride home from Jff's parents house to get something done? Maybe I should just stay up really late a couple of nights and get really good work done. I can probably forgo sleep for a little while... The mental gymnastics of the time game continue.

I just keep telling myself... two more months...70 pages of research/writing... presentations, reading, and leading discussion over...the AP test over...I can live through it.

This is temporary until I am done and can choose TO NEVER DO THIS AGAIN.

Twenty Two

I think I was glad to turn twenty two years old. Twenty one sounds so young, so "I barely can go into a bar," but twenty two, well that is a good age. That spring I met and became good friends with all the buddies from the education department in my "learning community". We are all pictured hanging out and drinking on the terrace in Madison.

In early May, Gabe and I took off for a three week trip to France and Italy with our backpacks. Little did we know that the Paris metro workers, all the museum workers across France, and the Italy Rail Line Workers would all be on strike. I don't think I have ever walked so much in my life. Instead of heading south to Florence and Rome we stuck close to the North Shore of Italy (Cinque Terra) in case the Rail workers struck again. (We had already slept in stair case in some tiny town after the trains just stopped at 10 pm one night) Over all it was a really fun trip. Between the baker who gave us fresh foccacia at 5 am (see stairwell night), the beautiful Riviera, the fun people we met along the way, and this man, it was great.











That summer I returned to Duluth to work at the Duluth Pack Store. I remember having such a fun time because of all the friends I met, especially MK, Steph, and NL. There were plenty of funny activities-among the worst was folding t-shirts. I did love working with outdoor gear again and seeing everyone that came through. A regular Duluth hang out spot. I also remember the "blanket ladder" with MK and lots of laughing and sometimes wanting to kill NL. I remember the buyer being especially goofy that summer- antler aphrodisiac? (MK help me out here-- what else appeared that summer? The viable seed quote always gets me.) Anyways, we went on a few camping trips together that summer (pictured) so that we could use our gear. It was fun and that got NL into doing all of our outdoor activities together.

That fall I returned to Madison to live on Madison Street with KCL. It was great except for our extra roommates (bugs) that we didn't know already lived there. I started student teaching at Monona Grove High School and was sooo busy with school work and teaching. I liked it though, and felt that I was learning so much. It was tough teaching 18 year olds when I was 21 years old myself. Late that summer Gabe and I decided that another year of long distance was stupid and so after about two years, we broke up. I missed him as a friend, but it was the right thing to do.

That fall, a high school friend of mine moved to Madison, after she graduated from St. Olaf and we became really close. Kayt and I hung out almost all the time. We had a great time, and since both of us were single, it was kind of like we were a couple. We had a great time trading books, gossip, and her heartbreak story from her college bf.

Spring semester was back to observing and this time it was a Middle School classroom. But it was really my last semester of full-time classes. I was excited for summer.

Twenty One

I remember turning twenty one so well. By the time I turned "bar age" most of my friends could go out with me because they had already become legal. It was fun. We started at the Nitty Gritty, of course. And then, since I was such a light weight in college, I can't remember.

That spring I was working hard on my school of education application- it had been a threat since I was a freshman at Madison- only 15 applicants from hundreds accepted into the social studies program each year. I submitted and that summer found out that I was admitted. I also remember that next fall my advisor telling me that I had been the top scoring applicant and had gotten into the program with flying colors. All that worry for nothing, but I guess the studying did pay off.

I was also looking summer camps to work at that year and I ended up working at Camp Birch Trail in northern Wisconsin. It was a great time, meeting other counselors from around the country. I was the sailing director and couldn't believe that I was getting paid to sail with kids all day long. I loved the kids and was a "middle Maple", so I was a mom, friend, entertainer, etc to two groups of 10 year olds that summer. Pictured is me dressed up as "Ms. Birch Trial" for the contest and me with my co-counselor and other counselor, Krista. That summer was a really big learning experience for me in terms of kids, affluence in this country, and in being away from my family and friends. It was a wonderful experience though, I kind of wished that I had done that the summer before, the only hard part is that I had very little time off to go on my own outdoor adventures that summer.

The next fall I returned as an Resident Assistant to a private dorm (pictured here with other RAs). That meant that I lived alone in an apartment, but was the organizer for my floor. It was a tight squeeze with starting the education program and with everything else I had already been doing. I did like the independence, though, and ended up meeting more good friends through the experience. There were several funny incidents that year- the lady in the elevator, the holes in the walls, the stove discussion, the ridiculous manager, and also sad- finding the dead boy on the 6th floor. I remember Ted the Turtle, the Bulletin boards, driving out to our school placement with Benny Boy and KSH in the mornings in the little blue car. That year I lived far away from DrMI who was kind of living between her own apartment and that of her bf, N's apartment. I really didn't like living so far away from the NE part of campus, I missed the lake, the farmer's market, the capital, and restaurants along state street.

That year, my bf Gabe moved to Milwaukee to specialize in engineering. I don't know why we kept dating, but we did. He would often come to visit on weekends, which was fine, but I should have probably been out socializing more than I was. That winter I was planning a trip to France and Italy and preparing to student teach in the fall.

Yep

"An authentic life is the most personal form of worship. Everyday life has become my prayer."
-Sarah Ban Breathnach

Financial Advice

This weekend, friend LL gave me her March copy of "Real Simple" to read since she was finished with it. I used to get this magazine before I realized how little time I had to read it. And like DrMI recently said, "I end up reading about four of them all in one week when I have a break from school". Anyways having a magazine to read in off moments has been fun.

I liked this month's 'question', since it went along with my teaching about the Great Depression in American History: What's the most surprising financial advice you've ever received?

Here are some of my favorite responses-mostly because they fit with my thinking about money:

"When you buy something on sale, you're not saving any money- you're spending it."
Note to self, re: shopping while poor.

"If money is your only problem, it is not a problem, it is an inconvenience."
So true, especially when you think about the Depression and other times in history when people have had it really rough. No one here is starving or wearing out their shoes.

"People fail because they trade what they want the most for what they want right now. For example, $200 for a purse, or $200 for the savings account?"
-Husband and I have both been doing a good job of this while we are school-poor. I like that we are first and foremost practical 95% of the time and then once in a while, or the other 5% we recognize the importance of just going for it.

"My father told me to save, save, save. My mother told me that you only live once, so you might as well have a good time. I have found a combination of the two."
-This is the story of my life- it is the thing that made me realize I was glad my parents were divorced- because they would have fought constantly about their ideas if not.

"Spend extra money on making memories, not on material things."

"Go on vacations, experience life, and give to those who need money more than you do- even when you think you are poor yourself."
-I really like these two, they relate to an article I read in the January Economist about the happiness that things vs. experiences give you. Experiences are much higher on the list. That is why, although we don't have much money currently, we are still going on a vacation in the spring. Yes, we will be camping while most people would be staying in a hotel, but it is still worth it to be doing the things that we want. I also like these quotes because it talks about the importance of donating... And not just old clothes or worn out house-hold items. Husband and I having been trying to donate at least $500 a year to organizations that are doing policy advocacy and aid in things we believe in. Although it is tough to do that while we are in school, to me, it is about recognizing how lucky we still have it while things are "tight" for us.

Twenty

When I turned twenty, I was a sophomore in college at UW Madison. I had just discovered that I really did like where I went to school. That year I lived in Slichter Hall and I met many of the people I still associate most with my time in college- too many to name. How great it was to wander down the hall to hang out, or in DrMI's case, just across the street! I remember many a fun times on the way to the gym with the gym buddies: EM and SK, or on the way to Frank's Place where I most often chose to eat Chili and white rice. I also remember a lot of tennis matches and hanging out with SMB. Thinking about the zillion trips down the lake shore path to either the union or Picnic Point makes me remember how the lake smelled on warm fall or spring evenings. My best memory is evening swimming in Lake Mendota with all of the girls by Kronsage.

I remember studying thousands of hours at the Agricultural Library and thousands of trips up the Liz Water's hill on my way to class. That year I was taking so many history classes. I was always on my computer writing another paper. That was the year I took Cohen's writing intensive American History seminar. It is amazing all the work I did for that class that I now DON'T REMEMBER.

That year was also the heart break of my young life. I broke up with my first real love: JLE, and then regretted it for the next two years. At the time I thought he wasn't as focused on academics as I was and that he was still a little too wigged out that I had left for such a huge university- what did that say about him? I think the long-distance thing got to me. I remember the weekend he came to visit and when it happened. All though I now know it was the right thing to have done, it still makes me all stressed out. I had so much left to learn and I made so many mistakes. The only thing I can say now, is the number of tears I shed over that kid should have amounted to more than it did. Three years ago I ran into him at the local Blockbuster. I hadn't realized he was married and living a few miles from me. I was strangely relieved he had found someone to live a quiet life with in the suburbs. Maybe there was some of that intuition when I broke up with him?

That summer I worked at a garden store, mostly watering plants and selling plants. And of course pining day after day for JLE. That was a horrible summer is all I have to say. Although the high points were EKM and I backpacking the Superior Hiking Trail, going out west with the fam, and our new puppy Sophie. Over, thought I was disenchanted with the high school friends who had been so close previously. I remember being relieved to be returning to school even though sad to leave my family. I hated the distance and missed them terribly, especially since all of my siblings were so young and growing up without me there.

That fall I moved into the West Washington apartment with the girls. It was a debacle at times (see downstairs neighbors and the bedroom debate) but also so much fun (see blue wrestling mat, parties, and TV meetings). That is when I met GL, who proceeded to be my boyfriend for the next two years. He and I were never soul mates, looking back I think we just liked hanging out together. He was the cover for still being obsessed with my previous boyfriend, I think. What a nice guy. I remember trips to Milwaukee to see the BoDeans play, girls nights, runs down State Street, and evenings on the Terrace. I also remember running down the block to take solace in DrMI at times. Living with three girls in a small apartment was tough as well as dating someone I wasn't all that into.

Other random memories: puking on the back porch, hot, hot days, mom helping me move in, the white car, running to Lake Monona, SMB's house south of Regent, 1945 history class, "Virtual Insanity", "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems", KRS1, and many more.

The Rear View Mirror

In just about a month, I am turning 30. By most accounts I don't look like I am turning 30, nor do I really act like I am turning 30. I do though, as I have been reminded recently, the wisdom to be turning 30. My twenties were a time of a lot of learning, and I think I like the idea of leaving some of that craziness behind.

Up until now I have been a little sad about turning 30. It has been a moment of examining where I am in my life and what I have achieved. A little while ago I started asking myself questions about where I was career wise (I had one and I am now in the process of moving on to another one), where I was financially (see grad school loans), and where I was in terms of having kids (see grad school loans and more desire for freedom). Then I realized I was asking myself all of the wrong questions.

It is not about others' judge of where "I am at" in life. It is all about my own measures.

By my own measures, I am leaving my twenties having achieved something so valuable- I wouldn't give it up for anything. That is a complete grasp of who I am and what I want.

That means, first of all, being so thankful for what I have and the life I already lead. I have an amazing relationship with an amazing person I am lucky enough to call my husband. I have two cats that I am really glad to see everyday when I come home. I have great friends who help me realize important things like many of the thoughts above. I have a family I am learning to live with and love for who they are. I live in a house where I hold memories of being on my own and being in a great partnership. I have the freedom to leave a career that isn't my ultimate and go to graduate school for another one that might be. I have the fortune to be able to read the newspaper, go to yoga, shop where ever I want, and live in the most privileged country in the world.

Knowing who I am means that everyday I make decisions that I believe in. It means I know when I am doing my best and when I am not. It means that I can continue to think and talk about real things and to react honestly to those around me. It means knowing what I expect from those around me. It means holding myself to the highest standard I can. It means I can believe in my past journey and the path that lies ahead to bring me to even more challenging and happy times. It means that I can always return to those pieces and parts of me that remind me what is important.

So as I begin to get ready for a new decade in my life to unfold, I am ready to take stock of my twenties... to remember the lessons I learned, the people I met, and the experiences I had that all helped me to look inside as much as I looked ahead.

Listen to the Attitude

Here is what I just caught myself writing in an email to bbthunder just now...

I hear you on not being that motivated this week. I think it has something to do with feeling like I would rather die than have another cold. I am sicker than ever today, but I went to the doctor, who said it is only a virus and I came in too early for it to be anything else. Whatever.

We had to cancel our weekend plans because I can't get everyone in Illinois sick with my sickness. I am glad to have some more time to sleep, but really sad that it comes at the expense of seeing my favorite cousin, her son and husband, my Gram, and John's aunt and uncle.

Anyways, yoga is also canceled today because the instructor is sick. Well, join the club, dude! That's all I ever am lately! But I don't regret not going to stand on my head, since it is filled with snot today.

I had to just say to myself, "Self, you ahren't neva gonna get bedda if you don think positively!" So now that I am happy to have another cold, I will be on the road to recovery before I know it!

Will you be my...Virtual Valentine?

Valentine's Day is a good idea: tell people you care about how great they are. It is also a bad idea: spend a ton of money to help the companies that created it make a uber-ton of money.

Either way, for those of you who sent me Valentines, or wanted to, here is mine to friends across the country that I would have sent them to, if I sent them at all. Have a Happy Valentine's Day!

AKP in CA
BH in CO
DS in Duluth
MK in Duluth and Everywhere
SM in IA
LJR in IA
ES in WI
NL in WI
DK in WI
JDR in IL
SMB in IN
KWG in MI
KSH in OH
RS in NC

Storyhill

When I was in high school and college I was in love with two guys who played acoustic guitar and sang together. They were called "Chris and Johnny," and later, "Storyhill" and had been music guys from the college of St. Olaf. There music was amazing... singing about their native Montana, the outdoors, about friends, loves. It was just very real and down to earth. I saw them play in Minneapolis, Madison, and Duluth. I listened to their cd's constantly. When I was in my last year of college, they broke up going on to do other things.

Well, they have decided to get back together. Their cd release party is on Valentine's Day in Minneapolis. I am so revved up for a new cd and a return of an old favorite! I can't wait for a live show!

Here's their write up in the Tribune, and their new website.

Thinking thoughts

It is Friday afternoon, and I know I need to get back to work, but I am going to enjoy a few minutes of the end of the week euphoria.

This weeks excitements and successes:
- Researched, found, checked out from the library, and showed a fabulous documentary in class on the Great Depression and homeless teens "Riding the Rails". It was produced by the American Experience folks and won at least 18 different awards. Truly touching and I think an important glance into history for my students.

-All high school planning and grading done for the entire week ahead!

-I am starting on three huge projects for all of my grad school classes- the neat part is that they are on topics that I am choosing/creating. The most exciting is the experiential ed/service learning project where I am going to interview about a thousand people as part of it. It is cool looking at all the programs and thinking about what I might end up doing.

-Jff and I are working out plans for a fiscally responsible, but no less fun, spring break. It will include visiting both of our bff's in other parts of the country, visiting family, camping, and visiting Jff's old stomping grounds in Washington D.C.. I am most excited for the Lincoln Memorial at night. I can stand there and imagine what it was like when MLK, Jr. was speaking or the massive anti-war protests that took place there. Plus I can't wait for spring camping with our new tent!!

-I woke up the other night to find kitties sleeping within inches of each other on each of my legs- aside from the fact I woke up because I was dreaming that I was stuck underneath a tree, I was happy to know they are finding some love for each other.

-The baseboard project in our bedroom was completed successfully last weekend! Husband used the pneumatic nail gun, air compressor, and mitre saw to complete the finishing touch up there. The bedroom is largely done and is a much happier place. It is amazing what finishing touches like that does to a room.

Thoughts for this week (largely garnered though talking to friends or interviewees):

-"One can either be part of the problem, or part of the solution."

-It is important to trust your intuition. The more you rely on it, the more successful you are in navigating life in a way that is good for you.

-I like people who make me laugh and who are kind to others, including me.

-Some of the deeper philosophies around Yoga are interesting. One revolves around the idea of always speaking the truth, simply, without judgment. Let others make their own meaning from it, if they want. You do not need to attach reason for them.

-"We often discover what will do, by finding out what will not do; and probably he who never made a mistake never made a discovery." - Samuel Smiles

-"I am speaking now of the highest duty we owe our friends, the noblest, the most sacred-that of keeping their own nobleness, goodness, pure and incorrupt... If we let our friend become cold and selfish and exacting without a remonstrance, we are no true lover, no true friend."
-Harriet Beecher Stowe

-"O! The level lake and the long glories of the winter moon!" -Tennyson

-"There is no more lovely, friendly, and charming relationship, communion, or company than a good marriage." - Martin Luther

My Ode to Leo

Kitty treats all around! Six years ago today Dr.MI and I set out to the humane society in Madison and that is where we found Leo. I was not convinced I was going to get a pal, I was just going to look. Well, there sat Leo with his paws pushed up against the Plexiglas of his cage... In the visiting room, he was full of the jump and love technique, lots of playing and lots of purring. I was sold.

Over the last six years Leo and I have had to come to some agreements... I have been duly trained to let him outside at least once a day and thank God he has been trained to stop meowing when he doesn't get what he wants (Dr.MI can testify- the first year with Leo was no easy feat.)

Prior to life with me, Leo was a vagabond. He was mangy, he had flees, and well lets say this: there are a few young Leo's out in the world. He was footloose and fancy-free. To his defense I have to say that he adjusted well to being the man of the house where ever we lived.

Over time he has started to cuddle more, to talk- his vocal range is amazing, and to not only sleep with me, but on top of me in the winter. He is a very affectionate cat to a select few. However, he is not unfriendly to strangers, either. He is well known around the neighborhood- he offers many people a chance to pet him and play with him. I think he has a specified route through the neighborhood where he visits his favorites often.

Leo and I have been through some tough times. There was the time when he was bleeding profusely from his nose while we were visiting friends in Chicago- the vet bill wasn't fun, but considering I thought he was going to die- I was elated when he recovered. There was the explosive diarrhea and stomach problems. There was the kitty-napping where Leo was transported to another part of the city. There was the large gash in his side he came home with, and the infected paw. There was Inga and there is Nora. And finally, there is Leo wanting to let us know while we were in Hawaii that he was having fun roaming Chaska. All harrowing, but worth it in the end.

To conclude these are a few of my favorite things about Leo:
-I love how, before he jumps up on the bed, he makes a little sound to let you know he is coming up.
-I love his jump and loves technique.
-I love the adoring gaze he has just for Jff and I.
-I love his athleticism and handsomeness.
-I love his dedication to making sure we always have 'fresh' meat to eat if we wanted.
-I love how when I had the wonderful fortune of meeting Jff, that Leo considered it his good fortune as well.
-I love how Leo sits with me while I shower and do the laundry.
-I love how Leo is committed to getting a lick of any dairy products and has the sounds they make while being used cataloged in his mind.
-I love how he comes when I call him.
-I love his torpedo sleeping position.
-I love the occasional black whisker and the black spots on his lip.
-I love that he allows belly rubs.

Well, I could go on and on, but I won't... Leo is just one special dude. I hope he and I can celebrate many more anniversaries together.

City of Lakes Loppet

Only in Minnesota do we have ski races and festivities in -12 degrees, and celebrate doing it. It was a really fun time last night seeing friends and trying to stay warm. The luminaries were beautiful, the full moon was really bright, and the city skyline reminds me how luck we are to live in such a beautiful, natural metropolitan area. Here are some of the pictures:

Happy February!

Yippee! I am done with the hard part of the week. With both work and class on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights, along with squeezing in the Y both Monday and Wednesday, I am ready to a) eat dinner at home, b) do without the freezing-ness of using mass transit, and c) have some free time!

This week was also another check off the list in that it was the beginning of the second semester at school. That means: new students, new lesson plans, new schedule to get used to. After tomorrow it will be old hat and much less thinking. I have almost learned all the new names.

Favorite parts of today: Getting to flip all calendars -Lates Jan!, Great discussion in AP Gov, Yoga with YogiPal this afternoon, husband-time tonight, and the cutest part of KT's (aka Dr. MI) email today: P.S. are you used to our new names?????

Hooray for February 1st! In just six days Leo and I will celebrate his adoption birthday and our 6th anniversary together. No cards please. :)