Revelations...

I realized today as I was running errands and going to lunch with my mother-in -law that:

a) I couldn't at that instant remember ANY of my former students names. None. And I was happy about it. Pouf.

b) That I felt actual physical relief at the revelation that although I will probably go back to work full-time this fall, it will not be in a classroom. That it will be a job for the first time in my life where I can choose when I go to the bathroom, there will be no bells or other sounds that indicate to me where I need to be and when, that I will have more than 20 minutes for lunch, and that I will interact with, on average about 140 fewer people per day, and they will be either adults or college students. Huh.

c) Cheers to life and career changes. It is almost as though you don't realize how much you needed it, until you are doing it.

The Big Questions...How Do You Do It?

Everybody does it...but how?

How do you make huge life decisions when they are staring you in the face? How do you choose when you find yourself at a fork in the road? I think everyone has a style, a way in which they choose a path that they think is best.

I can't necessarily identify mine, although I know it includes the following:

• I talk to people I trust about it. These are people who I feel a) know me down to the bone, or b) have a similar lifestyle or life philosophy and/or c) demonstrate thoughtfulness and wisdom in their own lives and decisions. They are often risk takers, but in a good way.
  
• What piece of clarity do they shed on the question? What nugget can I take away from the conversation?
  

• I keep the question in the back of my head and consider it at many points during the day.
• Last night as I was lying in bed an impact of one of the paths that I hadn't thought about hit me. Are there creative solutions to this consequence? Is there an alternative?
  
• Right when I wake up I usually have a gut feeling- I am positive I mull these things over in dreams and thoughts while I sleep.
• I think about how the choices would impact my daily life: would I be more happy or less happy and in what ways?

• If I am not careful, and even sometimes when I try my best not to, I fret about these things. It may look like a win-win situation from the outside and I guess in the big picture both are incredible opportunities and new exciting changes, but while I am actually making the decision, I feel almost upset sometimes. I get anxious about making the wrong decision, and continually have to remind myself there is no "wrong" decision, just a path and forward motion.

• Because of all of the above, I try to take time off from the weight of it all. Alternative realities are a relief. I like movies and books a lot because they provide a break. I like listening to other people and what they are thinking about, tackling and why. It puts things in perspective. I try to take a break by remaining in the moment of sitting outside, of listening to music, and playing with the cats. Church can also be a place to bring heaviness and leave with a reminder of what is most important.

• Finally, I remind myself of my past decisions: some great, some not as great, but all had a lot of good in them. For instance, although I wonder if my decision to switch schools two years ago was really the best, I cannot deny all the wonderful and incredibly valuable things I learned in making this change. I think of all the possibilities and other paths that were opened up and I remind myself that any decision has the same impact. Some bad, but often undeniable, unfathomable good. Any I probably don't look like a bumbling idiot on the outside either.
  

When it really comes down to it, this discussion is about faith. And not necessarily in the church way, but in the larger way. Do you belief in yourself, your abilities, your support, and the good of the future? Is optimism your guide?

I think of recent friends who I have watched make transitions and brave changes. I admire many of them for their grace, their faith, and their honesty in making the best decision they can. More than anything, I appreciate the risks they are willing to take and the company they provide in doing so.

Weekend Escape & Adventure

There is something pretty spectacular about summer weekends. There are only about 14 of them and they can so quickly get all scheduled, that when you find an empty one it is a big treat.

Last Thursday night, Jff and I hatched a plan to head out of town for most of the weekend, the short notice adding to the fun of fleeing on a summer weekend. We ended up with the canoe on top of the car and the camping gear in the trunk with no reservations, but some ideas of what we might like to see and do, and our trusty state parks sticker on the windshield of the car.

We ended up at Frontenac State Park on Lake Pepin and the Mississippi River. As we arrived we heard the last hike in campsite being taken for the night, so we ended up at a city park run campground a few miles down river. Although the campsites were a little close together and no one in this campground looked like they could camp with less than an SUV's worth of lawn chairs, massive coolers, and screen houses, it was a beautiful spot. We set up our tent (that looked tiny in our little site) and set off for adventure.

We ended up on a beautiful hike on the hillside looking down at the Lake/River and then got to the point of interest: In-Yan-Teopa Rock, described as, "a giant boulder perched on the edge of a bluff". This description is pretty accurate but misses the point about the giant hole in the middle of the rock which caused many to hypothesize this rock as a ceremonial/religious site for Native Americans (which there is no evidence to support). Overall the hike was beautiful and pretty strenuous due to the cliff/hillside. The view at the top part of the park was amazing.

After hiking and making dinner, we headed out for an even paddle along the banks of Lake Pepin. Notable mostly because it was our maiden voyage in our new-used canoe that we purchased this spring. It was a really pretty night and very calm. Fish were jumping all over the place and very few boats were out. We did a lot of drifting and chatting. Finally we ended up on the beach for a short walk (including husbands fascination with rock skipping, hitting rocks out into the water with a stick, and my obsession of looking at neat rocks) an amazing bright orange sunset. We ended our evening with a fire.

I had high expectations of sleep that night, but unfortunately had failed until that point to note the railroad tracks close to the park. All night as they passed through the small town they blared their horns. I dreamt (when sleeping) that I was trying to get out of the way of trains all night long.

The next morning we had a beautiful spot to look over the Lake, and even though we were bleary eyed from a lack of sleep we were glad to have had a fabulous time seeing parts of the state I have never seen before. We also stopped in Redwing, got some lunch and ate in a neat park on the banks of the Mississippi River. We returned home in time to have a short softball practice and have an excellent dinner with the in-laws, overall, a dreamy summer weekend.

Family Circus, the fun continues...

Yesterday, I became an aunt. My sister gave birth to a baby girl named Emma.

Although, I heard this news through my mom, and my sister and I don't talk, I felt a sense of love and pride instantly for her. I was totally fascinated as my mom described that Emma has the signature hammer-pinkie toe and fat ear lobes of our family (lovely, I know).

I also felt sympathy for my sister as I heard that the baby had to be suctioned out while my sister was giving birth and that the baby had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck. Emma is now a cone head for a little while with huge bruises and swelling due to her not so graceful entrance into the world.

So the next question out of every one's mouth is: "When will you get to see the baby?"

Regardless of her having just had a baby, I know that having a relationship with my sister is like having a good friendship with a piece of cardboard or a stick. Throughout my life I have tried to be the "bigger" person who can give with out ever getting anything back. I have always swooped in and helped her graduate from high school, lied for her, tried to make her take her meds, and have taken care of her messes- big and small- only in return to realize unreturned phone calls and utterly horrible treatment. Sometime around getting publicly humiliated at her wedding this last year, I decided I was tired of paying penance for her jealousy of me.

I can't take back always getting good grades, being successful at the university, and in my teaching career. I can't help how she has perceived me, because I have made plenty of mistakes and do not see myself as flawless. I can't help if mom bragged of my accomplishments so as to motivate her, I never wanted that. I can't help being the 'responsible one' and always being loved best by Grandpa (I am not even going to deny this one). I can't help being successful now in grad school, this is just how I choose to live my life. I have never tried to compete with her, I just felt she would find her own way or follow in my footsteps, but either way to live a separate life. She has always been way more pretty and relaxed than me. Why want what I have?

Anyways, I have been able to rationalize not having a relationship with her recently because I just end up feeling badly no matter what. She makes me feel badly for being who I am. I have lovely brothers and now a brother in law who are wonderful siblings to me. I also have wonderful friends and relatives who tell me it is not my fault, that my sister needs to grow up.

Today, I am realizing just how much harder it is now that she is replicated into a beautiful new human being who deserves loves from everyone, even her estranged, strange aunt. Am I a heartless person if I let this child grow up without knowing her, or am I being heartless to myself to continue to believe that I will ever have a relationship with my sister that doesn't involve disliking myself?

My mom did a terrific job today of "simplifying" for me by saying:
"Well, you will have to talk to your sister if you ever want to see that baby. I am staying out of it... You know that she believes that you will have to be the one to make the first move, so I guess it is up to you."

There my mom and sister go again, putting the 'fun' back in dysfunctional! I don't know if I can rationalize jumping back into that, aunt or not.

High-Speed- Highway Vindication

On my recent trip home from what husband had taken to calling "p-camp", I was driving along on a four lane highway. Noticing the car in front of me was traveling at well below the speed limit, I moved over into the left lane. Apparently, the trucker behind me thought I cut him off or had merged too close to him. Soon after he passed me in the right lane, window rolled down, entire left side his body hanging out of said window, screaming and giving my the bird. I have never seen someone that looked so angry. Now for someone who had been pretty much minding my own business, I was shocked and awed by his illustration of anger. I think I just stared and wondered what I had done to make him that angry.

Well a few miles later, I was not going to tangle with him again. So this time I got way over in the left lane way ahead of the blockade in the right ahead of time. Unfortunately he had not, and he wanted over right as I was driving by him. So he moved over. I had to slam on my breaks and hit the shoulder to avoid being hit. Honda Civic meets semi trailer, well you can guess the ending of that one, if I hadn't moved.

After speeding up and slowing down to stay near me and driving extremely erratically, he tried to run me off the road a second time. I literally could not lose this guy and he was really scary. What had I done? Husband told me to hang up the phone and dial 911. At first, I was scared. I remember asking, "just dial the emergency number?" So finally, I did. I was placed through to the state trooper to whom I dictated exactly where I was, which mile marker I was passing, what the semi was doing, as well as the license plate number and truck number of the semi. The state trooper stayed on the phone with me the entire time while coordinating one of his "troopers" to meet up with us.

Well, old semi driver must have seen me on the phone with license numbers written down next to me on the passenger seat, because he figured out really fast how to drive nicely: right lane, going 65, not even looking at me.

Oops, too late.

A few miles later, I watched in my rear view mirror as the state patrol came up in the left lane, slowed way down and pulled in right behind the semi in the right lane. A few hundred feet later, and the lights went on. Game over.

A sense of pure vindication washed away all my nervous adrenaline. I actually whooped and hollered alone in the car as I saw the semi ease his way over to the shoulder. I have never reported road rage before, but I won't hesitate to again. There are far too many highway accidents that happen because of idiots like that with big trucks trying to teach someone a lesson. And the rest of the way home, I felt much safer knowing he was faced with a nice opportunity to "cool his heels" with the state trooper on the side of the road. I wonder what that conversation was like?

Visions of Philosophy Camp III

Learning Circle


The Swimming Hole and Rope Swing



The Communal Kitchen
The Song Adam and Nathan wrote:

There's Ben's rhythms, Shanti's wild hair
And if your doing laundry
You might hang up Sondra underwear
Kelly's cookin', Oren's thinkin'
Russ is laughin', Peter's readin'
While the time flies by
And if you see us sportin' togas don't look so surprised

A life worth livin'
Is the life for me
A life worth livin
At Philosophy Camp

You want to know the Prairie?
Let me show you, Lynn and Joanne.
And you don't think you can do it
I bet Tanya can
And Kristin knows the co-op like the back of her hand
At philosophy camp, philosophy camp.

A life worth livin'
Is the life for me
A life worth livin
At Philosophy Camp

[Insert Ashley's Cheer here]

A life worth livin'
Is the life for me
A life worth livin
At Philosophy Camp

Professor Wallace is the philosophy King
I really hope he likes it when I sing
And Ardes is the smartest one I know
Except for maybe Kristin, our newest fellow

Time to go, etc.

Visions of Philosophy Camp II

Visions of Philosophy Camp I

The things we carry

My experiences at Philosophy Camp are fading into the distance today as I struggle with grad school forms and decisions. However, I can't help but reflect on the question that we asked students during the final learning circle:

Think about what you came here with and will be leaving behind, and think about what you having picked up here and will be carrying with you when you leave.

What did I leave behind and what did I take with me, while I was there?

I went to camp having just finished my teaching career two days earlier. I was filled with mental to-do lists, worries about the next step, and my all-too often focus on future goals. When I got there the first day, there was nothing for me to do right away. I was briefly disoriented- when in the last four months have I not had anything to do? But the better part of me soon took over and I confidently strode in the direction of the farm- what could I see and what fun could I have with my free time?

The open prairie, the wind, the animals, and the view stretching so far reminded me that it is not about constant goals and knowing exactly where you are going, but rather enjoying the journey and experiences of slowly getting to where you will be. I left my to-dos, my shoulds, and my desire to plan somewhere on the prairie. In the end it was not hard- the walks with friends, the late night star gazing, the moments of contemplation, the journal writing, the visits to the old barn with the kittens in it, and the outdoor yoga all reminded me of the importance of the here and now over future planning. It felt amazing and like an old friend at the same time.

What did I leave the prairie with, other than a desire to see it in all seasons? I left having learned many different new skills, with a renewed dedication to the ways in which we create sustainable lives for ourselves, with new knowledge about how to build a house that uses renewable resources as energy sources, a vision of the most effective type of education I have ever been apart of, and an appreciation for the processes which guides this type of education.

I also left with burning questions: How do I recreate more effective communities in my life, nourish the few that already exist, and continually find new ones? How do I go further to talk about the intangibles? The amazing conversations, the interactions, the emotions that wrap it all up, the intense desire to go back, the freeing, clear vision that this experience gave me to understand the things and people that are most important to me in my life? These are the most important pieces that I don't want to forget.

I returned home Saturday wanting to see husband, the kitties, and to sleep in my own bed. The process of getting home was difficult though, leaving the prairie, the community of philosophy camp, the beautiful Shalom Hill Farm, encountering traffic, seeing the construction of new big box stores near our house, and seeing and hearing the inevitable approach of an airplane over our house. The simplicity and yet the deeply affecting experience of "camp" was not something that I could just forget about instantly. I felt a little like someone who travels abroad and comes back not sure how to reintegrate, not sure how to carry some of that important learning forward, but with a desire to do so anyways.

Days later, I am glad to be home, having enjoyed the remainder of the weekend. I still, however, feel a little lighter on my feet with the incredible views I was able to see at camp.

I'm happy, I'm relaxed!

Best video ever! I have always been interested in laughing yoga, so I guess this is fitting that this makes me laugh so damn hard (and then repeat the catchy mantra for the next 34 hours). Many thanks to K-Vo and the P-camp crew for this.

What did they learn?

Last night with glasses of wine in hand, prairie in sight, the instructors and fellows read out the
"How I Grew" statements that students wrote on Friday morning. Although I, with regret, did not see their entire journey through the learning process, it seems very real to me. Through my own observations and conversations with the students and instructors, it was clear that each student had grown in an important way. It was exciting to see some of them reflecting on this.

And even though each student has grown, the level of growth through this course also seemed directly related to how open students were to questions about community, vocation, responsibility and self. Some came clearly open to a variety of experiences, questions, or emotional sharing others came with a few closed off areas or seemingly many of their own answers already established. I wonder how many of them realized this. Either way, many of them were more successful with questions of community and inclusion than many people I know. I hope it serves them well, I believe it will. I hope I end up finding out.

Elvis has left the building

And the students are gone.

Amidst a flurry of hugs and trips out the car, Philosophy Camp 2007 is over. The students seemed ready today- there were no tears. Only promises and plans of contact in the future between them. I wonder if this will come to fruition. I hope so, they may need reminders of what they learned from the people they learned it from. They had an amazing community, one that some of them may struggle to find again.

I had composed notes to a few of them in my mind that I was going to give them before they left, but never ended up actually writing them. As the only fourth week only fellow, I struggled with how much of an impact I really had on these students. As they were wrapping up their experience, I was beginning mine. I had some great conversations and experiences with some, yet there no real way to tell if that was important to them. Maybe I will hear from them in the future.

So here is my note that I didn't write, that some of them probably didn't need, and others might have appreciated:

Go forth with faith and hope. Take risks. Believe in your abilities to continually adapt and grow. Let others in. Create intentional happy lives by really reflecting and listening to yourself. Limit the "shoulds" you experience and instead consider the "coulds". Enjoy the journey, the process of discovery- that is where real life takes place.

I hope you do well. I will always think about each of you and the unique challenges you face with your unique talents. Each one of you have taught me something and touched my life through my experiences with you, I hope in a small way I did the same for you. Let me know how it is going along the way.

Packing up, Moving on.

After four weeks of living together in a retreat center, cooking for each other, teaching each other, hearing each others most important stories, and doing everything together, the students are starting to pack up. They leave tomorrow and are slowly pulling their stuff together- both physically and emotionally.

It is interesting to watch the kids deal with the reality sinking in. Some feel ready to leave, ready to have a break from communal living, others feel as though their summer ahead does not hold the same allure anymore- that they are leaving an amazing experience. Only a few realize this may be the only time in their life that they actually have an experience like this. I want to help them through their individual processes of letting go, of collecting what they have learned and bring it back to their lives, but I also realize it is a very individual process.

Tonight we had what we jokingly called "Sharefest 2007". My fellow fellow, a student, and I did a skit of all the different students and their cliche sayings tonight. Even I have to admit it was pretty darn funny. Students played guitar and sang, others did tricks, and a few of us did reading of favorite passages. It was really fun and really cute. Everyone that I have come to love here made me feel so proud of them.

I know I will remember so much of what has happened here, so I can't even imagine what it would be like to be students and to have been here for four times as long. This is by far the best educational experience I have ever seen or been apart of and I can only imagine what they are taking away from this.

What have you learned today?

Today... What have I done? What have I learned? Well, it is not over yet but here are the stats:

-I have re-learned how to make bread. It is currently rising- I can't wait. Lynn is an excellent teacher.
-I have learned how to make soy milk from scratch.
-I rode into Windom to go to the coop and grocery and part of my task was to pick up toothpaste and deodorant for one of the male undergrads. I learned that I know boys pretty well thanks to husband and brothers.
-I learned more about sod houses from back in the day- specifically how exactly to make them- what tools were used and the different layers.
-I have debated with an orthodox Catholic about topics such as child bearing, diversity, and war over lunch today. It was interesting. He is personally shocked that I am thirty and not pregnant yet. He wants to have as many kids as possible-(yeah, of course you do-because you don't have to carry them and you're 22).
-I have watched a you-tube video of a guy demonstrating laughing yoga and have spent many minutes laughing about it with fellow campers. I do a pretty good demonstration, I have to say.
-Now I am about to go for a walk to a creek nearby.

Are all of your stars out?

An interesting idea that came from the instructors meeting this morning... When asking if people are really being vivid, open, and engaged with others Peter called it: "Are all of your stars out?"

Are you letting people see who you are in a real way-- in a way that makes you most bright? Are you genuine to those around you? Do you let your self shine through?

The Circle of Learning

Each day here at camp we have a learning circle. So at about 9 am as everyone is finishing up breakfast, and after instructors and fellows have finished their 8 am discussion, we all sit down in the library. The chairs are all mis-matched and old, but that just adds to the ambiance of the room lined with books.

The learning circle question is crafted in the instructors meeting, where all the things that have taken place in the last 24 hours is discussed. Based on some of the themes and events, we all contribute to a question that might lead the students in meaningful discussion and their own contemplation.

Before we begin with question for the day, we start with acknowledgements. We go around the circle and everyone contributes something that they have been thankful for. There is a lot of thanking of other people for things they have done-for instance, tomorrow I will thank Nathan and Tanya for helping me learn how to pick chicken's eggs out from underneath them without being afraid of getting pecked, and I will also thank Joanne for explaining that the color of the eggs (brown, blue, white, tan) doesn't have anything to do with whether or not they are "organic" it just depends on the color on the chicken's ears. Sometimes you feel like you should have a whole list because there are so many great things that happen out here.

Next, one of the professors explains the learning circle question and the around the circle process is repeated. You can have a pass if you want, but eventually you always tell a story or relate an example from your life. Here are some of the questions that we have done circles on:

• Think about drag in your life-- what do you get pulled away from that prevents you from experiencing your best life possible? This could be people, habits, addictions, thoughts, etc.

• The conflict between maintaining individuality and choosing for yourself or contributing to community. (this was an interesting one).

• Think back in your mind and determine when you have experienced unexpected grace- what has gone well that was not planned for, worked for, or expected?

• At what points in your life have you encountered your own bravery? How did this happen and what was the result of it?

The learning circles are really fun because you get to listen to a new story from everyone. You really get to know them as this reciprocity happens. People are very honest and open and often times the stories relate to something in your own life. When everyone has spoken, there is a period of discussion, talking about things you thought about as other people spoke, asking questions of people. So far there have been really funny stories, sad stories, touching stories, and a few strange stories.

Overall, these learning circles create a huge amount of community. It gives you a lot of things to talk to people about at lunch and dinner. I am noticing how much the students get from these discussions and how curious they are about knowing your life experiences. It is clear there is a lot of contemplation going on in their heads.

Yesterday as we were identifying trees, birds, and flowers on the prairie, one of the undergraduates talked to me about what she thought she had learned through this class. She talked about friendships and how she is reevaluating the people she spends time with back at home. It was interesting to hear her talk about things like the increasing value she is placing on characteristics like honesty, openness, kindness, and acceptance within friends, since living here.

While talking to her, I found myself reflecting on my own realizations about value in friendships in the last couple of years. Who contributes to a sense of shared understandings, of community, of kindness, and genuineness for me? Do those people value the same thing in me? Great questions as I move into that part of life where the time you have to spend with friends is valuable. That is the thing that I love about being here, it is about continual reevaluation and that learning is not just going in one direction. It is about living about lives worth living from each other no matter whether they are 90 year-old Artes (the cutest old woman I have ever had the pleasure of knowing) or a timid, very young college student that has interesting experiences to share.

The Wind

I have to admit that I have a love affair with the wind. It is an amazing power that grows out of... well nothing visible. It is a mysterious, beautiful, strong force that is essentially the breath of the earth. Breathing new life into plants through pollination, into people through sources of power, and even into fire through oxygen. It is the one element that I rejoice in regularly.

I think my love for the wind comes from growing up in a sailing family. Summers spent on the big lake, knowing both the power and the beauty in the wind. I think the depth of my love came out of being both afraid and amazed by it as the same time. How can something so wonderful be such an ardent foe at other times?

Here on the prairie there is new meaning to wind for me, again. It makes the entire prairie alive- it moves the grass on hills in beautiful waves, it makes the trees seem alive, it makes the green of all plants sparkle in the sunshine. It make you feel as though you need to be apart of it- you want to run, be caught up in the wind, to float along on its thermals like the birds. The wind is warm, a reassuring companion as you walk along or just stand on the land.

I have recently forgotten that in the city you never feel quite the wind you do out in the open places. Wind makes you feel free, wild, and strong all at the same time. Take some time and find the wind again if you can, hopefully, it will move you.

Philosophy Camp

After a really busy, fun weekend at home filled with parties, friends, walks with husband, and packing, I left this morning for southern Minnesota.

I have arrived at the long awaited, long thought-about, "philosophy camp". What is this strange sounding thing and why am I here, you ask? Well I hope to answer that question through a few blog posts about what I am doing and learning while living here for a week.

I am at the Shalom Hill Farm on the plains of Minnesota. This is an all-sustainable 'retreat facility' that is non-demoninational, but spiritual in nature. The class, Leading Lives Worth Living is a class offered through the University of Minnesota and is a four week course that is centered around questions of community, vocation, lifestyle, and self. It is a philosophy/humanities course for undergraduates. So I am what they call a 'visiting fellow' for a week, meaning that I am somewhat of an instructor, somewhat of a student.

Overall, along with learning about the sustainability and community development that goes on here, I am focused on the experiential education this class represents. It is truly a unique approach to education and I am here to see how it works, how it feels, and what I can take with me into my own life. I am hoping to be a human sponge. I just want to soak up everything that goes on here.

Beyond, wanting to learn a lot, I am also so excited to be in such a beautiful place for a week. The lodge we are staying in is built into the side of a hill for maximum energy conservation, so each level of the bedrooms are on the ground floor. The windows of the great rooms look out over the large hill and toward the breath taking prairie. It is a truly inspiring place to be.

Today when I had some free time, I walked around the farm. I visited the chicken coop where we will get fresh eggs every day, the roosters, the goats and sheep. It is fun to be on a farm and to be around all the barn kitties that are so darn cute! (gray tabbies and all black kitties with long hair- pictures to come). The sun was very hot, but the wind across the prairie was constant. Tonight, there was a lightening storm that I watched roll across the land for miles. It was absolutely gorgeous. Tomorrow, I am planning a long hike into the prairie with some of the students.

For now, I am going to head down to bed. I am going to sleep with the windows wide open and listen to the beautiful silence mixed with sounds of nature.

A Student's Reflection On Life

I just received this quote in a an email from an English teacher reading final exam essays. These are the words of a student from my high school:

“I truly believe that the good will always outweigh the bad. I know for a fact that my faith in this idea will waiver, adults show me this every day. Only a handful of people I know over forty seem to enjoy life. Of that handful, probably half of them are teachers, a career that I don’t believe I’m outgoing enough to follow.”

There is a lot there to think about packed into a pretty small amount of writing. This one made me think for a while.

A Letter to Myself

Dear Self,

If you ever go back to classroom teaching, please don't forget the following things you learned in your first eight years:

• Enjoy the students everyday if you can. Make them laugh, let them make you laugh.

• Take the groans, the frustration, the angst with a grain of salt. It is not you, it is their world.

• Find inside jokes with them.

• Let them know you as a real person, as someone with successes and failures like everyone else.

• Share your life with them. Let them ask questions. Don't answer all of them.

• Find more time to listen to what they say, they want to be listened to so badly.
  

• Never forget what you are modeling, because they are paying attention.

• Push them, they need to be taught what they are capable of.

• Fight grade inflation. Be honest with them and yourself when grading work. Be willing to stand up to parents. Eventually, parents understand or stop complaining.

• Respond to friendly or inquiring parent emails as soon as possible.

• Combat email bravery. Wait 12-24 hours to respond to angry parent emails and do it with a phone call.
  

• Teach students to advocate for themselves and reward responsible and reasonable self-advocacy.

• Praise, praise, praise to change behavior- it ALWAYS works.
  

• Be flexible- nothing ever works perfectly in a classroom.

• Be creative and willing to change things at the last second if it makes learning more fun

• Make friends with all the support staff. They are the people that do things for you on a daily basis, the people who will at some point have to save you in some situation, and who know everything you wish to know.

• Have a teaching buddy. Someone to plan with, bounce ideas off of, and share files with.

• Collaboration is the essence of teaching and learning.

• Don't bad mouth your colleague no matter how much you dislike them.
  

• Make your classroom as interesting as possible.
  

• Encourage questions and student discussion.

• Practice democracy and choice at every point possible with student.

• Empower them to make change.

• Provide them time and resources when they are wanting to take action.

• Use pictures ALL the time. They are universally interesting to people. Students adore them.

• Always give positive feedback before the negative, ears can turn off quickly.

• Be a parent in your mind, when contemplating how to deal with different student situations. How would you feel?

• Stories are loved. Have your own, be willing to share them.
  

• Encourage students to listen to other peoples' stories through oral history projects. They always learn about themselves, they develop important relating skills, and they learn far more than they think they will.

• Always be willing to do the assignments you assign your students. Know the process.

• Believe in what you teach and how you do it.

• Teach them how to learn outside the classroom and to enjoy it.
  

• Encourage them to reflect on the things they notice, the questions they have, and how they learn.

• Provide students other opportunities to connect with themselves, their identity, and their family. They will never forget these things.

• As a teacher, stick to your beliefs and values. Lots of people will test them by asking you to do things you have to decide on. Believe in your decisions and yourself as a person.

• Don't ever think it would be easy to be an administrator. They have a really hard job.

• Be willing to live your job, it is necessary to really be good at what you do.

• Accept that very few people who don't teach know how difficult it is to teach, and that many people will look down on you from their very important jobs.
  

• Also understand that very few people understand the joy in teaching and in not doing it for the money, the prestige, or the summer vacation.

• And finally, as a teacher, be willing to grow, try new things, learn more, teach differently, and to change. Even if that means leaving for awhile.
  

There are probably many more things I can't remember to remind myself, but this is a good start. Go out there and learn and do.

Love,
Self.

The Possibilities in Change

I am at a point right now where there are so many decisions to make, it is both exciting and nerve-wracking. It is nerve wracking, that is, until I remember that much of the time there is no wrong path. There is no one answer and it is not really even a "problem", just an opportunity for something new. Things just turn out the way they do and there is often no looking back because with the bad comes the good and vice versa.

That being said, I have known about a possibility for a few weeks now, but I haven't dared to hardly hope, or to breathe about it, because I want it to happen so much.

Today it became a little bit more of a reality... I still can't say it outloud in fear of it not coming true, and there is a long ways to go, but it seems to be moving along. After a conversation over lunch, I left wanting to skip to my car, but forcing myself to walk. Singing Yippee!! in my head, while, trying simultaneously to not think about it, or reminding myself that there are many ways it couldn't work out.

It ultimately could change my plan a bit, but it is the feeling that all options, no matter which one, would be just fine with me makes it seem so hopeful and fun.

Now, just the challenge: trying not to think about it, until I have something to think about for sure. Good thing I have lots going on in the meantime.