Walk On

Oh the torment of dating... Several friends have reminded me in the last few days of the agony that goes along with putting yourself out there and hoping for the best. I think everyone should go through it, but the doubt and the questions can be so sad.

I moved to a big city I had never known because then-boyfriend said he would move also. Well, you know the rest of the story. BF decides not too, I have already committed to a job and go alone to live in a very lonely city for a year. Good lesson, but one that I thankful I don't have to go through again. Friend A's story of going through tons of work to be able to work in Paris for a month to be with BF, but then drama occurs, and non plus Paris avec BF is keenly understood.

One day, it will all add up to a happy ending. If you can put yourself out there and be real, you will eventually find the person who thinks you are so worth it. The secret is, until that person comes along, you have to keep walking with your chin up and your eyes open to the future.

"All the life we were burning through... What with your memory shall I do? I opened up the deepest of my inside, it was all I had. So where did I go wrong with you?"
-Martin Sexton

"One day you said everything was just right, I don't see how it changed overnight. One day you said everything was so strong, the next day you turn to me and say its been wrong all along."
-Ben Harper

"But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times in my fun. And it so hard to do and so easy to stay. But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away. Walk away and head for the door."
-Ben Harper

Dear Exile

I used to carry around little books with me everywhere and I would fill them with quotes and small thoughts I had. Favorite lines from songs, good parts of books, a nice picture, just thought provoking things. I am going to try and post some of my favorites. They are so fun to read, because they remind of me of phases, thoughts, and books I want to dig out again.

This one is from a spectacular book, Dear Exile. A friend made me think about this one tonight.

"Being single means carrying groceries home, eating them, reading and eventually falling asleep and waking up and doing it all again. But when you are in a couple you carry groceries together. Someone slices, you dice; someone sits on the toilet lid to talk to you while you brush; and when you settle down to read, someone's leg flops over your leg, a reminder that you are attractive, that you are loved, that even in your solidary activities someone is considering you, that life has meaning. Not only am I alone every night, but I actively, painfully, miss my yet-unfound Dave everyday as if he were lost at sea."

Husband's Poem

Today, while at work, I got a poem from Jff. It is so sweet, I am so lucky.

MY WIFE

A multitask superstar,
a student and teacher,
she handles it all,
grace - that's her feature.

She cooks and she cleans,
she straightens and neatens,
she paints the upstairs,
and plays with the kittens.

She's caring and loving,
She shares lots of kisses,
does all of the laundry,
there's nothing she misses.

And as busy as that,
she remembers it all,
a detail machine,
keeping us on the ball.

So for Christmas this year,
I don't need many presents,
no clothes or big movies,
or cash from the parents.

Cause the best gift of all,
not from store or the mall,
it's the love of my life,
my K-, my wife.

The Path Not Taken...

The news was dropped in a mass email... my 23 year-old sister is pregnant just 2 months after getting married. I was, well, am shocked. I think my shock in part is this- just how different can two people with the same mom be?

I have really come to love my path in life. I spent some time in my mid-twenties living alone, making my own decisions, really living life without many restrictions. In my late twenties I finally got married, but to the best possible person. This after years of looking around. Now I am pursuing my master's degree at a big 10 University and loving my life with husband without kids.

Now, I know someday I will have kids, and probably since I am close to thirty, that day will be sooner rather than later. BUT, I just cannot fathom having a child at the age of 23. I think in some big ways, I was still a child at that age (and I have always been the 'mature' one of my sister and I). I may have felt like I had it all together--but looking back-- I didn't. That didn't really come until I was about 25 or 26.

The other day I was jolted when a good friend of mine said, "wow, you really have to have a strong marriage to survive the sleep deprivation and tag-team life style of a baby! I can't imagine doing this with someone you don't know inside and out." I hadn't thought of it that way, but it really made me think how glad I am that husband and I don't have to do that yet.

Yeah, I know I am sounding really judgmental right now. That's because I am being judgmental, I can't help it. I should be happy for my sister, but instead I am lamenting what she shouldn't be doing. I think at the heart of it, I am disappointed for her, for all she does not yet know.

I am sad for her. I am sad for all the time she won't spend alone with her husband developing their own ideas and traditions. I am sad for all the fun, adventurous, young things she won't get to do on a moments notice. I am sad that she will have no friends to share being a mom with. I am sad she will have been either a dependent daughter or a mother to be depended on, her whole life.

I guess in the end, I have to remember those are my ideals. And the bottom line is that we just don't share those. A career and grad school were never HER dreams. She just wants to have lots of kids and have a house in suburb #2456789. So, I can hope for her to be happy with the choices that she has made. I can hope that her baby is healthy. I can hope that her young marriage survives the stress of baby-dom. I can hope that she comes to love her life's path.

Happy Thanksgiving

It has been a good Thanksgiving break. It started Tuesday at noon due to school schedule and it has been great to just have a little time. Things had gotten a little frenetic before the break, and it will be right back to that Monday. The semester ends soon for grad school and at the high school the drive up to Christmas break always makes me a little car sick.

This is what has been done since Tuesday at 11:30 a.m....

-shopping trip and dinner with friend on Tuesday evening. Much needed Christmas shopping ideas.

-Painted the upstairs bedroom of our house. Pretty much the same color- a warm cream/yellow color- but wow what a difference a clean coat of paint makes. The whole upstairs is much more fresh. Now I just have to figure out new window treatments.

-New bed delivered on Wednesday at noon. AHHHHH... is about all I can say. I am now a believer in the difference a bed can make. Simmons Beautyrest, you are beautiful to me.

-Day-trip up north to see the Dad-Fam. Fun time playing "razzle-dazzle" football game with family and friends on the shores of Superior. I was the QB a couple of times and threw to Dad who made a TD. Exciting to be playing anything outside in the end of November, especially only in my fleece vest.

-Watched Jff and brothers play Madden Football(TM) video game and watched some of the Chapelle show (TM). Hmmmm is all I can muster. But loved seeing the boys.

-Haircut on Friday. The usual place, but a new girl. Ugh is about all I can say about that one. Really bad haircut. I left the salon wondering how my directions could have been misconstrued to look like what was on my head. Oh well, I will deal until I get my next haircut unless my hair grows into anything resembling a mullet, that is where I draw the line.

-A visit to the gym felt good, especially since this time I remembered my socks and sports bra- unlike my visit Tuesday.

-Wedding pictures ordered (thank God, that was an over-whelming task) on line.

-A second "thanksgiving" dinner with husbands extended fam last night. I am LOVING the twins-now about 8 months old-they just get more and more fun and cute.

-Tonight a dinner and games with friends at our house.

Good stuff. I am thankful for all of it, especially having paid time off (which husband keeps chattering about), enough food to eat (especially father in-law's home-made turkey soup), wonderful, loving family and friends around (honorable mention goes to husband, Jff), a warm house (with two cute kitties), and the luxuries we can afford like paint, dinners out, and a new bed.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

Summer Anyone?

Remember when it was summer?
Mmmmm... it sounds good right now.
What is better than Northern Minnesota in the summer?

Hanging on the dock with Dad. Floating Island with the ladies.

The Gray Area

It may come as no surprise to anyone who knows us: husband and I regularly engage in political discussions, or on the rare occasions, debates. That is what you get when you put a government teacher and a policy analyst together. Political engagement is important in our little part of the world.

I don't think this happens because I think to myself, "self, find someone to talk politics with," or "engage, self, engage." I just find it all very interesting. I listen to NPR for about an hour in the morning, I usually read the paper (at least the front page section) and I regularly look for information online. Granted, some of this I do for my job, but mostly I just want to KNOW.

More and more I find that some times I don't know what to talk to people about, (evidenced today at lunch when I had to muddle through talking to a stranger), I am not good at small talk. I am most often thinking about current events or human behavior, and those topics are often out of the question with the average folk. Most people don't really like social studies, and talking to Minnesotans sometimes about politics is a little like asking them about sex. They get kind of quiet and most things become "interesting" or "different" but nothing more than that.

So, to say the least, my heart and brain were warmed when the topic of conversation at the gathering on Saturday night turned to politics. (notably the transportation amendment and the efficacy of third parties.) Politics in general don't usually sustain much conversation in the "group" but we hit a gold mine on Saturday. We all engaged in an intelligent conversation that really got at issues and major questions surrounding the issues. Almost everyone participated, and the best part: No one got personally offended. There was no ups-manship or name calling or even an exchange of angry words. It was just an honest exchange of ideas and theories. It was great fun, and more than that, I just keep thinking about many of the things that people argued Saturday. It is a mark of a good conversation when it stays with you for days.

The only problem now is that I am even more on the fence regarding the transportation amendment than I was before... I think in this case that is a good thing, though. Gray area is where its at in many of these issues, and I am just glad I was able to go there with friends that I spend a Saturday night with.

Two years of pure luck

It has been a long time since I have blogged. I think it is just a busy school and grad school schedule, plus time out for honeymoon(post forthcoming), plus a cabin weekend, jet lag, mini-illness= a whole month without a peep from me. I am back on the bus.

What an enjoyable day, today is. It is a 'sunny-blue-sky-day' outside (childhood saying), I have finished all school work for the day (!), and we have leaf raking and frisbee play-offs in front of us this afternoon. Plus we have Willy Porter on the stereo, husband is dancing around the house in his t-shirt and "Blue Hawaii" boxers while he makes his waffles (his v. favorite Sunday morning activity), and the Sunday morning paper is on the dining room table just waiting to be read.

It was two years ago Friday night that husband and I went out on our first "date". What a fun night. We went out for a quick dinner and then to the movie "The Incredibles". Then we drove over by the lakes and downtown, at first looking for a coffee shop, and then just enjoying driving around the city together. Soon after that night came him cooking me dinner and watching West Wing episodes, meeting for dinner or coffee in uptown, meeting friends and family, and the rest, shall we say.... is history. It is hard to believe that two years later we are married and life is very different (and very wonderful).

In the last two years, I have learned how to play broomball, softball, hang out with 'the college group' of husband's. Husband has learned how to love kitties, Canoe in the Boundary Waters, and go to concerts. We have traveled to San Francisco, New Hampshire, Maine/Acadia National Park, Chicago, the Boundary Waters, San Francisco, Jamaica, and Hawaii. Husband has sold his house, graduated with master's degree, changed jobs about three times, and I have changed jobs, started grad school, changed frisbee teams, and we have planned and had a wedding, honeymooned, redone our kitchen, gotten a new kitty, and most importantly both he and I have new families and friends. It is amazing to think about the process of two people combining their lives. It is fun to look back and watch as it all happened. Its seems a little like magic and a lot like the greatest thing to have ever happened to me.